LITR 3731: Creative Writing
Student Journal / Portfolio Sample Submission 2003
Dawn E. Dobson
Journal
/ Portfolio
Introduction
Although I have taken many courses that require a substantial amount of writing, this is my first venture into the realm of creative writing. As a complete novice, I found this course to be extremely helpful. It provided a structure from which to explore the three different genres of creative writing: poetry, fiction and drama. Feedback and constructive critiques from the class were especially valuable. The course was a good mix of participating in the writing and critiquing process, as well as learning the fundamentals of writing from the lessons in the textbook.
I personally found the poetry section of the class the most difficult. Initially, I thought it would be the easiest to accomplish, particularly the “free verse” form. Fewer constraints, however, did not result in the anticipated easy assignment. Every word, line break, and punctuation became suspect: was it necessary, did it sustain the tone of the poem, what did it sound like when read aloud? The text, Three Genres, by Stephen Minot, was a wonderful resource for this section of the course. The wide variety of poetry presented in the book provided an overview of different subjects, styles and techniques. Yet, establishing a solid perspective of a particular concept and successfully expressing it to an educated audience through the creative genre of poetry was problematic: the quality of wholeness remained elusive. As I wrote and rewrote the poems, my level of frustration with the process increased and I was often left with a sense of dissatisfaction over the results. This discontent will not dissuade me from writing poetry in the future. Really good poems are possibly fifty percent inspiration, talent, acquired knowledge and skill and fifty percent very hard work. Great poems are rare. I have a new level of appreciation for poets. I have included two more poems written during the course to be included in my poetry submission.
The fiction portion of the course was my favorite. As an older student with a vast array of life experiences and a crisp memory, I believe I am sitting on a veritable treasure trove of possible stories. Again, the text was an enormous aid. I found myself re-reading and studying the samples “Sausage and Beer,” “Three Hearts,” and “Escapes.” What made them work, why were they interesting, where were the subtle elements in the stories that compelled the reader to keep turning the pages? I decided to closely monitor the “five narrative modes of fiction,” highlighted in Three Genres (“dialogue, thought, action, description, and exposition”), and as my own work progressed, I even posted this list of basic components on my computer monitor to serve as a reminder to strive for a balanced story. Taking Minot’s advice on revising (pages 311- 312), I studiously tinkered with every paragraph. This process of critical editing produced a “clean” story with all of the desired ingredients and just enough tension to drive it along. The two most important things I learned in this section: restraint and vision. It has to be concise and it has to go somewhere.
The whole class seemed to enjoy the drama section and it was great fun to act out the scripts written by our classmates. Acting brought this portion of the course to life. Plays are meant to be performed and it is truly the only way to see what is working and what needs to be re-worked. I discovered the best dialogue, however outrageous, must sound believable to strike a chord with the audience. Stage direction is also critical in a play. Many of the students ad-libbed some of their parts. Following their lead, I re-wrote directions and scripts to make my work sound more natural.
Perhaps the most valuable element
of the class, and the one most feared by all of us, was the face-to-face peer
criticism. My relief from not being required to present my poem in class was
short-lived as I realized how the insights and ideas of others were exceptional
tools to assist in crafting my work. I believe I would not have struggled quite
as much with the poem if I could have gained some distance from it and read it
through the fresh eyes of the audience. This reinforces one of the objectives
from the course: to discard the image of the solitary, misunderstood, tortured
writer and replace it with relationships of community and collaboration.
Poetry
The poem, “Collision,” uses the metaphor of
a car accident to illustrate the many unpleasant incidents that can occur in our
lives. People often move along their different paths, not paying close attention
to the possible outcome or consequences of their actions, caving in to their
desires and wind up careening from one “accident” to the next. The illicit
kiss, the insinuating e-mail, the gossip with malicious overtones may all seem
inconsequential, but they can start a motion towards a direction that can be
disastrous, affecting lives, destroying relationships and creating hard lessons
that could have been avoided if we had only chosen another, better path. Most of
us, hopefully, learn from our mistakes while others never seem to "get
it" and keep wondering aloud "why do these things always happen to
me?"
I
used a lot of glass imagery to underscore how fragile our lives are, how easy it
is to wreck the things we value if we are careless, and also how we should use
our experiences to break through to the other side to reach what is truly
important, beyond the petty and the superficial. I have a hard time with people
who get wrapped up in the illusions of the material world and lose sight of what
is important and I wanted the tone, which is terse, to convey that. I also wanted the motion of the poem to be fast and abrupt
then slow down, like an actual car accident, attempting to capture the almost
surreal moments after a wreck. The "steady stream of faces" is the
roster of people affected by a person's carelessness. The "picture-perfect
moment" is that one brief moment the person had to
change his/her ways, but didn't take it. The "frozen in their traps"
(a kind of play on words with "frozen in their tracks") originally was
"helpless in their own realities," meaning we can all nod and listen
sympathetically to the problems of others, but because we are involved, and
sometimes mired, in our own personal situations (the traps) we can't really do
anything to help. People must be responsible for themselves.
The
"faces etched in broken glass" again flipped the crowd and the victim.
We are all caught up in this illusory material world, and spend our whole lives
trying to peer through the other side to see the big picture, the meaning of
life. The shifting perspective was meant to convey familiarity with both
positions. We have all been the hapless victim, but hopefully will outgrow it
with spiritual maturity, and we have all been the onlookers to
someone's indiscretions and know some people never seem to learn.
This poem developed slowly and, after awhile, I got so caught up in creating an almost unpleasant mood for the poem that the meaning became lost in the interesting words and images. Some people understood what I was trying to say, while others missed the point. I think my tendency to be concise and spare with the words backfired because not everyone grasped the message I was trying to convey. Some reacted exactly like the observers in the poem: they didn’t quite know what to do with it, so they moved on. There is a sense of detachment to the plight of others in the poem that is uncomfortable. But, of course, accidents are uncomfortable. We slow down, rubberneck, then hit the accelerator. Perhaps I should have just stayed with the feelings involved in a real car accident and not try to “build” another meaning into the poem.
I had a hard time laying out this poem and must have structured it a dozen ways. Free verse became a curse! To punctuate or not to punctuate, that is the question! In the end, four stanzas of four lines each seemed to be the best container with each stanza slightly shifting the perspective of the reader. I wrote two additional poems during the course and, while I’m unsure of their academic quality, I did enjoy the process much more the second and third time around.
Fiction
This story was created from my experiences of living in the Virgin Islands from 1983 to 1988. I worked in the yachting industry with my husband and met an incredibly eclectic array of people while I was there that I knew would make great characters in a story. All of the characters are conglomerations of friends and acquaintances. Annie is a little bit of myself, although I do have a friend who is a much more accomplished sailor than I am, in fact, she’s sailing around the world right now on a 57’ racing cruiser, and her name really is Annie.
I honestly had no idea what I was going to write about for the fiction part of this course, but it was easy to decide where to place the story. Once I had a setting, but before I began to write, I started to block segments of the scene into mini-scenes in my imagination. I did this while I was driving to class, while I was waiting in line at the grocery store, or while I was walking the dog. I began to see a story unfolding in my mind’s eye, an experience that was similar to watching a movie. This visual aid helped me piece together the story.
The writing process was fairly simple once I developed a technique that worked for me. First, I wrote down everything I could think of that might have interest or be useful to the story. Then I began the editing process and whittled away. It had to have substance or out it would go. I also kept Minot’s Three Genres handy. I poured over the fiction samples to have a clear idea as to what worked in these stories. I played around with the viewpoint and switched the story to first person to see how it would read:
“Damn!” I hit the brakes and swerved hard to miss the large iguana
scurrying across the asphalt. In the rearview mirror, I could see the creature
poised like a statue at the edge of the road. “Death wish,” I muttered,
shifting down as the old Corolla struggled up the steep incline. Charlie lived
on the northern side of the island, far from the noisy, sunny harbor and its
crush of locals and tourists. The forest canopy thickened at the higher
elevation and as I dipped through the little valleys along the mountain road
surprisingly chilly drafts shot through the car windows. I strained to find the
overgrown drive, turned sharply at the peeling mailbox dangling from the
slanting fencepost, and coasted down to the house, branches snapping as the car
tunneled through dense foliage.
I was more comfortable with the “third person” viewpoint and decided to stick with the character of Annie. The first draft presented during class for peer review was a little too sparse and I revised the second page, wrapping more handles around the dialogue. For example:
“Where is he?” I asked, entering the brightly-lit
kitchen. Myra’s broad back at the stove was like an anchor.
“Holding court.”
“And?”
“Same.”
“And you?”
The revision:
“Where is he?” Annie asked, entering the
brightly-lit kitchen. Myra’s broad back at the stove was the anchor of this
household.
“Holding court,” said Myra.
“And?” asked Annie.
“Same,” said Myra, still facing the stove.
“And you?” asked Annie.
This was, once again, a case of being so close to the project that flaws apparent to the reader disappear from the author. I was so anxious that the piece not become bogged down, the reader was left hanging. The revision reads just as crisply and there is no doubt as to who is saying what.
I had to stifle a desire to finish the story.
In my mind, I knew what would happen next, where the climax would be, and how it
would all end, but it was impossible for me write it well in the time allotted
and there was no way I was willing to turn in a piece that suffered in quality
as it continued, leaving both reader and author feeling cheated. I am certain I
will complete it when time constraints soften.
Drama
The most difficult aspect of the drama work was trying to decide the subject and theme while remaining in the setting which was fixed in the classroom. I decided to write exactly about the problem I was experiencing mainly because I wanted to keep the dialogue as realistic as possible and also because the creative ideas of the other students provided the most inspiration to me.
The scene still needed some tension to keep it from being flat. The initial idea of students brainstorming together about a drama assignment evolved into a script that reflected a lack of desire for students to become more involved with a classmate’s project due to their own personal priorities. I kept the theme statement simple (“Talk is cheap, especially at the end of the semester.”) because I felt it was something the audience could relate to and didn’t need any further embellishments. The concept sentence (“Students come together and share ideas on a writing project, then shirk when called upon to participate.”) is also a familiar problem to students. Group projects are difficult to coordinate and participation often sags.
Another device I inserted in the script to keep the dialogue interesting was to let the students’ imaginations run wild. This was done to inject some humor, but is also realistic, especially considering the dramas presented by my fellow class members. I wanted to connect with this particular audience and reviewed some of the students’ presentations that had already been presented. I realize that this would not work as well in a more global audience, but I find this strategy is employed again and again in the television and movie scripts of today. “The Simpsons” is only funny because it contains cultural references to life in America. This highlights the critical necessity of knowing your audience.
The real proof in whether the script is any good or not occurs when the scene is acted out. I read and re-read the script aloud to test it for credibility: did it sound realistic? At the same time, I neglected the stage direction and that became glaringly obvious when classmates acted out their parts “cold.” It might have sounded realistic, but a play is visual work of art and mine did not look realistic. To achieve a closer version of the performance I envisioned, I added additional stage direction.
Example of revisions:
Drama in the Classroom
First Draft
Characters
Travis
Will
Kelly
Jason
Dawn
Concept
Students come together and share ideas on a writing project, then shirk
when called upon to participate.
Theme
Talk is cheap (especially at the end of the semester).
Scene
A group of students lingers after
class, slowly packing their bags then gathering
around in a group.
Travis: So, how’s it going?
Dawn: Terrible! I’m really struggling right now.
Travis: Yeah?
Dawn: This script writing business (shaking her head)…, all I’ve got is a title on a page.
Will: Well, at least you have an idea.
Dawn: No, I don’t!
The title is “Drama in the Classroom.”
Kelly: (Joining the
group) What’s it about?
Dawn: Nothing!
Will: What do you mean nothing? What’s the drama?
Dawn: (exasperated)
There is no drama! That’s all I have!
Travis: Any ideas?
Dawn: (dejectedly) Not really.
Drama in the Classroom
(Final)
Characters
Travis
Will
Kelly
Jason
Dawn
Concept
Students come together and share ideas on a writing project, then shirk
when called upon to participate.
Theme
Talk is cheap (especially at the end of the semester).
Scene
A classroom at the end of a
Creative Writing class period.
Dr. White: (looks at
his watch) Well, that’s all we have time for today.
Don’t forget the final drafts of
your drama assignment is due on Monday. See you all next
week. (He gathers up his papers and
books and leaves the room, privately
conversing with a few other students)
As the rest of the
class leaves the room, a group of students lingers after class, slowly packing
and gathering their bags. As Dawn passes Travis, they pause to strike up a
conversation.
Travis: So, how’s your drama assignment going?
Dawn: Terrible! I’m really struggling right now.
Travis: Yeah?
(Will walks up and
stops to join in the conversation.)
Dawn: This script writing business (shaking her head)…, all I’ve got is a title on a page.
Will: Well, at least you have an idea.
(Kelly and Jason
walk up and join the group, catching part of the conversation.)
Dawn: No, I don’t!
The title is “Drama in the Classroom.”
Kelly: What’s it about?
Dawn: Nothing!
Will: What do you mean nothing? What’s the drama?
Dawn: (exasperated)
There is no drama! That’s all I have!
Travis: Any ideas?
Dawn: (dejectedly)
Not really.
Although these changes are subtle, they reflect
suggestions made by students and my own observations. I think the added stage
directions would have greatly improved the presentation.
Summary
Creative writing is like a ride: it all goes somewhere. However, I’m not sure what my final destination will be. I am interested in producing more creative works, particularly in fiction and drama. Although I enjoy reading poetry, I am not particularly interested in publishing my own. Poetry is very personal and I would possibly continue to write it for my own reflection and enjoyment or share it with close friends and relatives. Part of the reason for this, I’ll admit, is I don’t think I am very good at it and so I really don’t want to put it out there for criticism. Perhaps if I spend more time honing my skills and attending poetry workshops and readings, I will change my mind.
I would like to concentrate my efforts on fiction. I enjoyed this part of the course the most. I am a very visual thinker and I would like to spend more time creating stories that have heart and clarity. There are so many stories all around us. What are we, our whole lives, but stories to tell and retell? At the end of a person’s life, we wrap it up by going to a service and one by one people are invited to tell stories about the deceased. In the end, hundreds of years from now, those stories will be the most vivid account of a person’s life. We can’t point to objects and say with certainty, “That is the culmination of this person’s life,” because it is the relationships and incidences- the stories- that make a life.
Drama can be viewed in much the same way since it is a reenactment of a story. I would like to take a course specifically tailored to screenwriting to learn more about this genre. I’m very interested in global and multi-cultural issues and believe communication will be the key to solving many of the world’s problems. Drama can assist in reaching a wider audience. An article or book about the degradation of the earth’s atmosphere could remain largely unread. A movie based on a story filled with characters whose lives are impacted by the massive cloud of toxins floating off the coast of China that begins to drift slowly across the Pacific could capture people’s attention!
I believe a good place to start would be to take more writing courses or join a workshop or group and continue to write regularly. The next step would be to try to get anything published and begin building a writing portfolio. I would like to take (or make) a job after graduation that requires writing. I particularly enjoyed the classroom visits by the two published authors and found their messages to be filled with encouragement and good advice. It would have been nice to have had an additional speaker towards the end of the course to further reinforce their positive messages.
I also noticed while taking this course how what we read affects our own creative work. I think we emulate the authors we admire. Dr. White has said repeatedly, “If you are going to write, you have got to read,” and that fact truly hit home this semester. I’m almost panicked that I’ll never get the chance to read everything I want to read in my lifetime!
This course fulfilled my expectations in that it provided the structure from which to start writing more. I have a greater sense of what it will take to get published and the high level of dedication writing requires. I’m not sure if I will ever teach writing specifically, but I feel I have gained sufficient knowledge to help others with their writing by offering constructive criticism and solid encouragement. The exchange of peer evaluations as an incredible resource that should be sought, not shunned, is one of the most valuable lessons gained in this semester.
Appendix
Copies of email exchanges:
>
> Dichophony
>
> It's not who you are
> It's not what you want
> The marbled figures transfix
> the ancient legacy you forgot.
>
> Submit your ugly iron
> For a taste of promised steel
> Worth and weight disassociate
> the price from the ideal.
>
> Your construct stands cloud-laden
> Your bedrock lies in smog
> A tribute to the golden means
> of sustaining it so long.
Travis- I really like the feeling of this poem. You and I
are probably on
the same wavelength!
I think the first two stanzas work really well. They have great rhythm and
the sentiment flows well. The last stanza doesn't seem as powerful as the
first two and, because it's the last, it probably ought to really carry some
punch. First off, because the other two stanzas rhyme so perfectly well and
the last one is a slant rhyme, it seems to have the effect of leaving the
reader hanging when we really want to feel grounded in the message-
especially with all the geological allegories. "The construct stands
cloud-laden" seems a bit misconstrued only because I am trying to formulate
the image in my head. I'm thinking more in terms of building on top of
clouds (the misguided theme you started with) rather than reaching for the
clouds (an altruistic formula). But if a building is cloud-laden, doesn't
that mean it is reaching through the clouds? Or are the clouds weighing it
down? A bit confusing when I think you want to come on strong. Are you
saying that we are so caught up in ideals and rhetoric of those ideals we
lose sight of the reasons we supposedly came together as a country? I'm
re-reading it and trying to piece it together exactly what you are trying to
say.
I like the "bedrock lies in smog". That makes sense to me. We
build on the
premise that we will poison. We've sold our ideals down the river for the
almighty greenback. It's now a given. Got it! But the last two lines, again,
don't seem as strong as the rest of the poem. I'm not sure what I would
change, but the slight awkwardness of the last two lines, to me, seem to
detract a bit from the strong statement the rest of the poem is carrying.
I've read it outloud several times and it just seems to hang in the air a
bit. Maybe a 4th stanza?
All in all, I like it a lot! I'm not sure I could offer any more concrete
ideas or suggestions to my few critiques other than perhaps fool around with
the last stanza.
I'll send you my poem by tomorrow and am looking forward to your commentary!
Dawn
----- Original Message -----
From: "Daug Wok"
Sent: Wednesday, September 24, 2003 5:52 PM
Subject: Re: My Poem
Yes, you're right, a fourth stanza would be too much. Just
strengthen the
3rd and I think you'll have what you were aiming for. How about somehow
using the word "fleece" to tie in with the Greek theme (golden
fleece), the
clouds (fluffy connotations) and the double meaning "to swindle or
cheat"?
Just an idea to get you thinking of other possibilities. Also instead of
"cloud-laden" maybe using the word "obscured," or one like
it, to bring home
the fact that we've lost our way. Yes, consider changing the title to
something more helpful to your reader. I looked up "dichophony" and
since it
wasn't in my dictionary i'm assuming you made it up with dichotomy and
phony. But you might be leaving your reader with two much to figure out on
their own so they just won't bother. By giving the reader a firm handle as
to the subject matter, they might be more intringued with your images and
message.
Ok, I'll get my poem to you and I look forward to your comments. If you do
anymore with this one, please send it back so I can read the different
version.
Thanks!
Dawn
----- Original Message -----
From: "Daug Wok"
Sent: Wednesday, September 24, 2003 11:19 PM
Subject: Re: My Poem
> I really appreciate your commentary. I discussed this poem with a
couple
> other people (not from class), and what you wrote is easily the most
> helpful. I hated to just throw this poem at you with a "here ya
go",
> especially with the poem being as vague as it is, but I was hesitant to
> taint your initial impressions with my own thoughts.
>
> >The last stanza doesn't seem as powerful as the
> >first two and, because it's the last, it probably ought to really carry
> >some
> >punch. First off, because the other two stanzas rhyme so perfectly well
and
> >the last one is a slant rhyme, it seems to have the effect of leaving
the
> >reader hanging when we really want to feel grounded in the message-
> >especially with all the geological allegories.
>
> I definitely had the hardest time with the last stanza. To be fair,
the
> first stanza used a slant rhyme as well, but I admit the third stanza's is
> particularly tenuous. I'm glad you noticed the geological references,
and
I
> think they are most evident in the third stanza. My hope was to
convey a
> sense of building over the course of the poem, the third stanza being the
> culmination of the previously mentioned materials. I can see what you
mean
> about the slant rhyme weakening the ending, although it didn't occur to me
> beforehand.
>
> >"The construct stands
> >cloud-laden" seems a bit misconstrued only because I am trying to
formulate
> >the image in my head. I'm thinking more in terms of building on top of
> >clouds (the misguided theme you started with) rather than reaching for
the
> >clouds (an altruistic formula). But if a building is cloud-laden,
doesn't
> >that mean it is reaching through the clouds? Or are the clouds weighing
it
> >down? A bit confusing when I think you want to come on strong. Are you
> >saying that we are so caught up in ideals and rhetoric of those ideals
we
> >lose sight of the reasons we supposedly came together as a country? I'm
> >re-reading it and trying to piece it together exactly what you are
trying
> >to
> >say.
>
> I was actually thinking more of the phrase "head in the clouds".
You may
be
> right that "laden" was a poor word choice on my part, since it
makes it
seem
> like the building is being suppressed by the clouds in some way. Your
> analysis that "we are so caught up in ideals and rhetoric of those
ideals
we
> lose sight of the reasons we supposedly came together as a country" is
> eerily close to what I was aiming for. I originally wanted to title
this
> poem "The Ideal", and the word does appear in the second stanza.
If you
can
> suggest a way of strengthening that impression for the reader, it would
help
> a lot.
>
> >I like the "bedrock lies in smog". That makes sense to
me. We build on
the
> >premise that we will poison. We've sold our ideals down the river for
the
> >almighty greenback. It's now a given. Got it! But the last two lines,
> >again,
> >don't seem as strong as the rest of the poem. I'm not sure what I would
> >change, but the slight awkwardness of the last two lines, to me, seem
to
> >detract a bit from the strong statement the rest of the poem is
carrying.
> >I've read it outloud several times and it just seems to hang in the air
a
> >bit. Maybe a 4th stanza?
>
> From your comments, I think the third stanza does the best job of
conveying
> the concepts I had in mind, but I do agree that its structure is weak.
The
> "it" struck me as overly vague in the last line, but I couldn't
think of
an
> alternative. I also think the effectiveness of my tie-in to the Greek
> notion of a "golden mean" is questionable. I think a four stanza
would
risk
> pounding the concept into the ground and rendering the poem preachy, but a
> stronger third stanza could double the effectiveness of the poem as a
whole.
> Again, any suggestions are welcome.
>
> I'll be gone starting tomorrow afternoon until probably Saturday, but I
look
> forward to reviewing your poem. I'll get comments to you as soon as I can.
>
> Travis Kelly
Travis, thanks for taking the time to critique my poem!
Your suggestions
gave me a lot to work with.
I'm not sure what you mean about "hit", "response", and
"submerged"
occupying their own lines. Did your program format the poem differently
because I have only four stanzas with four lines on each stanza.
I think your criticism of the "Flashing lights wailed remorse" is
valid. I
only did that to get the visual and auditory senses covered in a short
concise way, but agree it might be a little hokey. I'll work on it and
maybe throw something in that denotes the sirens without mixing metaphors. I
also think you are right about the commas. They do seem to detract as they are
the only ones. Yes, to "picture-perfect" as well.
Thanks for your suggestions! I'll send you the revision tomorrow and you can see
how it looks/sounds.
Dawn
----- Original Message -----
Sent: Saturday, September 27, 2003 8:43 PM
Subject: Re: email draft exchange (Dawn Dobson)
> First off, I really like this poem. You conjure a lot of potent
imagery
> beginning to end, to great effect. However, I do have a number of
specific
> criticisms which I hope will help the revision process. In order to
clarify
> my comments, I've repeated your poem with criticisms below each stanza.
>
> >Collision
>
> >Remember the last time the shards hit
> >and you weren't ready?
> >The brakes locked, no response
> >spirit absorbent and mind submerged.
>
> I think beginning the poem with a question is an effective technique,
> because it immediately engages a dialogue with the reader. Did you
intend
> for If
> so, why did you choose those words in particular? I don't see an
obvious
> pattern, but maybe I'm just missing something. The "ah"
sound in "locked"
> and "response" establishes a nice rhythm in that portion of the
stanza -
> maybe you should consider extending it into the last two lines.
>
> >Flashing lights wailed remorse
> >as a steady stream of faces
> >no pressure could stanch
> >ran down the pavement.
>
> Again, did you intend for "remorse" to occupy its own line?
This instance
> is particularly strange to me because it is the only one in the stanza.
I'm
> not suggesting it is a bad idea - on the contrary, I think such a
technique
> could add a lot of meaning to the poem. However, you may consider
> establishing some sort of scheme, in order to add a rhythmic quality to
the
> poem. The contrast of the long and short lines gives me the
impression of
> the car slamming into a wall - i.e., a rapid change in speed. It
could
also
> represent the extreme up-and-down emotions a person in or witnessing a car
> wreck might experience. My only other concern with this stanza is the
> "wailing" of the lights. I find this phrasing a tad cliché,
so you might
> consider alternatives such as "The lights flashed remorse" or
"Remorseful
> lights wept."
>
> >Seconds ticked off.
> >The picture perfect moment
> >begged for a sign
> >and received none.
>
> For some reason, I get the impression that "picture perfect"
should be
> hyphenated, i.e. "picture-perfect", but I might be wrong.
Nitpicking
aside,
> I think the period at the end of the first line is interesting. You
might
> even consider putting a period after every word on that line in order to
> enhance the feeling of seconds ticking by. Were you intending to
relate
the
> "ticking off" of time to being "ticked off", i.e.
angry? If so, you might
> think of a way to give the impression of a gradual shift from
> impatience/concern to anger/hysteria.
>
> >A gathering crowd stared
> >just as blankly as you did,
> >frozen in their traps,
> >faces etched in broken glass.
>
> I really like this stanza. My only criticism is that you might
consider
> taking the commas out, or replacing them with something else. I think
the
> commas unnecessarily bind the lines together, forcing the reader to rush
> through some rather weighty material. The imagery is particularly
strong
in
> this stanza, and I think taking each line as its own unit is the best way
to
> read it.
>
> Let me know if any of this helps you out, or if you need any more input.
I
> still need to revise and submit my poem, but your input combined with my
own
> musings will make it much easier than it might have been. I hope
things
> work out the same for you J
>
> Travis
Hello Chris,
I wanted you to see the questions I was going with so you could be thinking them over. Don't feel like you need to redo your story tonight- this is just a guideline, of course, to stimulate discussion. I know you have missed a couple of classes and I think the respondents, lately, are catching on to what might be helpful to the writer. We're all learning as we go along.
You've got a great start! See you tomorrow!
Dawn
Response to “All Friends Make Mistakes”
1.)
Does anyone have any questions or comments?
2.)
First off, I’d like to say that I loved the dialogue in this. It was
very real and brought a great pace to the story. But it reads like a drama piece
and I think more narrative is needed to bring out tone (mood) and plot. My first question is to Chris- Whose viewpoint would you like
to focus on in this story? How do you think you could change things a bit to
establish that?
3.) I get the sense that this is a chapter or a piece in a larger work. Another question is: where do you want the story to be going -plot or message- and do you have any ideas for adding subtle clues for the reader to follow the direction you want the story to take.
4.)
The opening is pretty clear-cut. Do you think a little more intrigue might
establish a theme? A line or two to establish perception or point of view? How
do you think you might add a closing paragraph to wrap up the scene and at the
same time compel us to continue reading the story?
5.)
My question to the class concerns striking a balance. Regarding the five
narrative modes of fiction-(referring now to page 150 of our textbook) dialogue,
thought, action, description and exposition- Consider the different effects of
relying heavily on one mode. Is it best to always include each mode in a story?
Or can you think of different stories that might have relied on only one or two
successfully?
Hello Robin! I'm sorry it has taken me so long to get back to you. Your story is very interesting and original! I don't think I have ever read a story where the perspective was of someone so young! It has a nice slow build right to the end. However, I'm not sure if I understood the ending. Did she see herself in a mirror? Also, a lot of the story is much of the same- Roxy being scared. Maybe you could bring up other incidences in the past where she was unsure about her mother's "powers." I really like the picture you created with her mother passing her hand over the stove to get it to light- I used to do the same thing with an old stove of mine and I never thought how magical that would look to a child! I thought that part was a great little interlude and you might want to include another short memory like that to build on the way a child thinks.
Again, sorry this was so late in getting to you.
Dawn
----- Original
Message -----
Sent:
Wednesday, October 15, 2003 9:08 AM
Subject:
email draft exchange[stone]
Hi everyone,
I would appreciate it if you would look at my email draft exchange. I know it needs a lot of work, but could you especially let me know if the story flows and if you pick up the ending well.
Please remember to hit reply all to send your comments.
Thanks!
Robin
Hi Liz,
You have got a lot of very fascinating things going on in this story. I really like the way you put interesting words together that make the reader slow down and take notice. For example: "circular, but nicely scenic road", "grow wild because it served a delicate need," "frustrated and clueless among her mother's belongings." On the downside, I found myself getting a bit tangled and lost in the sometimes "artsy" prose. On the plus side, I think with some streamlining and a bit more clarity as to the direction you are taking, you will have a very interesting story. There is definitely something to be said for putting everything you are trying to convey on "paper" so that you don't lose anything. But, I think you've got some editing to do so that your reader doesn't have to (edit). It's a bit too much work for the casual reader the way it is laid out right now.
As far as characters go- I wasn't overwhelmed with the amount in the story. I thought that was fine. To me, the scenes aren't boring, they are just too dense. I felt like I was weeding through the sentences trying to get to what you wanted Deanna to tell us. Also- having a woman named Wallace was really confusing for me. It's such a bizarre name for a woman that it would help to have at least one line of explanation. I kept thinking that when you said "her" house it was a typo because Deanna acts like it is "her" house. I had to go back and read the first page 3 times to make sure that I had it right and Wallace was a woman. Especially since there were no other girls in the family! Any mother would have been thrilled to have a girly name in the mix. Doesn't make sense without an explanation.
Good luck! You have a ton of material to work with and a wonderful story to tell! I thought the dialogue was well done! Just got a bit tangled in the jungle.
Dawn
----- Original
Message -----
Sent:
Monday, October 27, 2003 2:52 PM
Subject:
email exchange Liz Little
Hello,
Thanks for taking this so late. I understand if any of you are short on
time, and will ask some specific questions that may or may not speed up the
process. Feel free to comment in any way you choose. I wish I could say
this is an exciting read. I find these scenes boring at the moment and
intend to work on them. I have my ending and I like that. I just have not
been sure how to get there.
Questions
I have put a lot of characters in for a short story. Do you think I need to
cut any out? My main focus for the story is Deanna and the way
she contrasts with her family. This is built up in scene one. The
whole story revolves around chaos vs. order, and impractical vs. practical
I know there is too much exposition, but do you find any that has enough
action in it to be able to stay in the story?
Summary of what's not there:
Deanna is reentering her home town and mother's home after being absent for
years after her mother's break down. She was asked not to come the day it
happened.
Her mother's and sister's lives are ordered and practical and Deanna sees
herself against them as strange and impractical. The story basically goes
to one more scene to end it. Deanna finds out through her sister that the
gardener got her mother's church circle ladies' group drunk one day with mint
juleps. She comes to find out that they have been meeting ever since
behind the garage in what they call an English Garden. This is just a
patch of land that the gardener has adopted and planted whatever he chooses.
It is wild and has no order whatsoever. They ladies are no longer getting
drunk because he now makes their drinks without alcohol. This Deanna finds
to be even more crazy than the first shock of seeing these proper church ladies
traipse through the mud to get the back of the garage. The story I guess
has no huge action, but the last scene makes for a lot of fun at least to write
and opens up to imagery that I feel can I can use to connect the characters and
many aspects of the theme.
Hi Liz!
I think its good
to let your mind run, because then you get a lot of ideas down. I keep 2 copies
of my work because with a little trial and error I have found this
works best for me. I don't have any creative writing experience either but I've
found that if I keep one copy with everything on it and another copy that is
edited, I can go back and forth and maybe use something later that was a good
thought or idea and just put it in another part of the story. You definitely
have an interesting way with words!
Also, you don't
have to change the name- just have Deanna say something in her head like
"Wallace, named for her dad or great uncle...." or whatever. Otherwise
a reader will just blast through and perhaps not pick up that it is a woman. You
could even just give us more of a description of Wallace when we meet her that
makes her unmistakably a woman. Readers assume a lot and I just assumed Wallace
was a man until I got to page 3 and they were talking about Jessica. So I went
back and found the clues that I thought were perhaps typos.
Good luck and I'm
looking forward to reading the posted copy!
Dawn
----- Original
Message -----
Sent:
Monday, November 03, 2003 3:40 PM
Subject:
Re: email exchange Liz Little
Dawn
Thank you for your
responses. I have definitely cut a lot of the story down, and your advice
is right on target. I have never written a short story and my mind just
ran in every direction. I am going to continue to chop it down, and
make the story clear for the reader. Thanks again for your comments and
time! I do like the name Wallace. I actually do know a woman named Wallace.
She was named after her dad, and I thought it sounded very small town and
southern. But I never thought about the brother thing, which I think I
have cut out. I will reconsider the name and the reader's view point; I
see your point.
Thanks,
Liz