LITR 3731: Creative Writing
Student Poetry Submission 2003
Dawn Dobson
Migration
Every year they come,
as sure as the wind shifts north and leaves fall,
faint cries echoing from wispy clouds,
a drift of a sound, floating.
Earthbound, I scan the sky.
There is the undulating arrow!
A compass shifting against the sun
glistening on white wings and straining necks.
Louder, overhead they call, lamenting seasons lost,
heralds of time turning through dark and fog,
over icy mountains and rose-colored dawns,
to settle on moonlit bays, the mist rising to meet them.
I lift my arms to ride across the ages,
beating heart pressed against their smooth backs,
fingers deep in the soft down,
embraced in the comfort of their faithful return.
Dawn E. Dobson
11/16/03
Hawaiian New Moon
Upon a deserted beach
a million miles away
I dreamed dolphins swam in the sky
across the galaxy
I asked them where they were going
“In time,” they replied with a smile
As each one passed, I caught its eye
and held it for awhile
When I woke, the Southern Cross
hung low over me
diamonds in ink, net cast wide
for all eternity
The only other light
was the foam of a cresting wave
and it was hard to tell where the sea began
inside the celestial cave
Dawn E. Dobson
10/26/03
Collision
Remember the last time the shards hit
and you weren’t ready?
The brakes locked, no response
your mind submerged, spirit absorbent.
Wanton sirens wailed remorse
as a steady stream of faces
no pressure could stanch
ran down the pavement.
Seconds ticked off………..
the picture-perfect moment
begging for a sign
and receiving none.
The gathering crowd stared
just as blankly as you did
frozen in their traps
faces etched in broken glass.
Dawn E. Dobson
9/30/03
Remember the last time the shards hit
and you weren’t ready?
The brakes locked, no response
spirit absorbent and mind submerged.
Flashing lights wailed remorse
as a steady stream of faces
no pressure could stanch
ran down the pavement.
Seconds ticked off.
The picture perfect moment
begged for a sign
and received none.
A gathering crowd stared
just as blankly as you did,
frozen in their traps,
faces etched in broken glass.
Dawn E. Dobson
9/20/03
Feedback:
Wow Dawn good use of
the metaphor :) . I really liked it and your imagry is good too. Please excuse
my poor spelling. :)
~Kelly
Dawn,
I liked the poem, although I have never been in that position, butI have seen a
few. I think you captured the disbelief of a collision and the description of
the spectators coming to see the carnage.
There was only one word that I thought might be better changed or with more
explanation. The word "traps". Is that the people rubbernecking or the
person/people in the collision? Overall, it is a good poem and I enjoyed reading
it.
Reani King
First
off, I really like this poem. You conjure a lot of potent imagery
beginning to end, to great effect. However, I do have a number of specific
criticisms which I hope will help the revision process. In order to
clarify my comments, I've repeated your poem with criticisms below each stanza.
>Collision
>Remember the last time the shards hit
>and you weren't ready?
>The brakes locked, no response
>spirit absorbent and mind submerged.
I think beginning the poem with a question is an effective technique,
because it immediately engages a dialogue with the reader. Did you intend
for "hit", "response", and "submerged" to each
occupy their own lines? If so, why did you choose those words in
particular? I don't see an obvious pattern, but maybe I'm just missing
something. The "ah" sound in "locked" and
"response" establishes a nice rhythm in that portion of the stanza -
maybe you should consider extending it into the last two lines.
>Flashing lights wailed remorse
>as a steady stream of faces
>no pressure could stanch
>ran down the pavement.
Again, did you intend for "remorse" to occupy its own line? This
instance is particularly strange to me because it is the only one in the stanza.
I'm not suggesting it is a bad idea - on the contrary, I think such a technique
could add a lot of meaning to the poem. However, you may consider
establishing some sort of scheme, in order to add a rhythmic quality to the
poem. The contrast of the long and short lines gives me the impression of
the car slamming into a wall - i.e., a rapid change in speed. It could
also represent the extreme up-and-down emotions a person in or witnessing a car
wreck might experience. My only other concern with this stanza is the
"wailing" of the lights. I find this phrasing a tad cliché, so
you might consider alternatives such as "The lights flashed remorse"
or "Remorseful lights wept."
>Seconds ticked off.
>The picture perfect moment
>begged for a sign
>and received none.
For some reason, I get the impression that "picture perfect" should be
hyphenated, i.e. "picture-perfect", but I might be wrong.
Nitpicking aside, I think the period at the end of the first line is
interesting. You might even consider putting a period after every word on
that line in order to enhance the feeling of seconds ticking by. Were you
intending to relate the "ticking off" of time to being "ticked
off", i.e. angry? If so, you might think of a way to give the
impression of a gradual shift from
impatience/concern to anger/hysteria.
>A gathering crowd stared
>just as blankly as you did,
>frozen in their traps,
>faces etched in broken glass.
I really like this stanza. My only criticism is that you might consider
taking the commas out, or replacing them with something else. I think the
commas unnecessarily bind the lines together, forcing the reader to rush through
some rather weighty material. The imagery is particularly strong in this
stanza, and I think taking each line as its own unit is the best way to read it.
Let me know if any of this helps you out, or if you need any more input. I
still need to revise and submit my poem, but your input combined with my own
musings will make it much easier than it might have been. I hope things
work out the same for you J
Travis
Travis, thanks for taking the time to
critique my poem! Your suggestions
gave me a lot to work with.
I'm not sure what you mean about "hit", "response", and
"submerged"
occupying their own lines. Did your program format the poem differently
because I have only four stanzas with four lines on each stanza.
I think your criticism of the "Flashing lights wailed remorse" is
valid. I
only did that to get the visual and auditory senses covered in a short
concise way, but agree it might be a little hokey. I'll work on it and
maybe throw something in that denotes the sirens without mixing metaphors. I
also think you are right about the commas. They do seem to detract as they are
the only ones. Yes, to "picture-perfect" as well.
Thanks for your suggestions! I'll send you the revision tomorrow and you can see
how it looks/sounds.