Jennifer Leonard

Memories  

A Record of our Life,

Illusive and Haunting

Like Ghostly Apparitions

Calling from the Past.

Paths Chosen

Regretted and Cherished,

Unchangeable

Memories always last.

Tears and Laughter

            New Beginnings and Endings.

Heartache and Joy

            Lessons Learned and Milestones Reached

Snapshots of our lives

            A moving picture in our mind.

Memories always last.

Revision Account

I originally wrote two poems randomly for class. Poetry is not my strong point or interest area so it took quite a while to come up with these two short poems. Most of my friends make comments on my memory. I have a very long memory and can recall most events in my life going back to about 18 months of age so it had come up in a conversation and then came back to me later. The other poem Who has the time? was a reflection of my life currently. I am taking 18 hours, working full time owning my own business, and also have a very busy personal life as most do. This was my attempt at expressing how I felt overwhelmed.

               I had two people do draft exchanges for me. They were Alicia Costello and Jacqueline Baker, from our class. As you can see from their comments the poems were not long enough and I had to choose one to expand and revise. I chose the poem Memories.

Here are Alicia’s suggestions:

Thank you for the chance to read your poetry submissions!  They were a fun read, and it's always nice to peek into someone else's mind through the magic that is poetry.

I have a few thoughts, although since you have to turn these in tomorrow, I'll adjust them accordingly:

--I'm afraid that, while the poems meet the requirements together, they fail to meet the 40-word requirements separately.  I do believe the requirements for poetry submission are one poem at >40 words.  I can't find it on the website, but I asked Veronica about a minimum submission requirement and she said it was 40 words, too.  (I think White even created that rule because her poem was short like yours.)  Now, the second poem is extra and doesn't count towards the submission.  My suggestion is to expand either of the poems to fit the requirements.

--Your poems have wonderful words.  "Regretted" and "Illusive" are my fave. 

--The poems convey powerful ideas, but the writing is too vague.  Could you expand, maybe put a context to the poem's themes?  Give me a voice, some difficulties?  Your poems lack that concrete imagery that is the Holy Grail of poetry.  Throw as many sensory images in there as possible!

 

Here are Jaqueline’s suggestions:

I would first like to say that I enjoyed both poems. I particularly enjoyed the second poem, Memories. I really like this poem because all of us have memories, either good or bad, that have shaped who we are today.  One suggestion would be to make the poem longer, because I think that we have to have 50 words or more. Also, adding more detail to some of the lines (Maybe, talking about one good or bad memory). I also enjoyed the first poem because I can very much relate to this poem. One suggestion would be to make the poem longer and to also add some detail that can further enhance the poem. Also for some reason, I keep adding a period after each line. It would be good to add a period after each line to emphasize the importance of each line.

First Draft

Memories
           by Jennifer Leonard

Illusive and Haunting

Calling from the Past

Regretted and Cherished

Unchangeable.

Tears and Laughter

Heartache and Joy

Memories always last.

I am happy with the changes in the poem. I liked the shorter version better; however, I can see that it is now more developed. It still sounds like mine and I succeeded in avoiding the tendency to rhyme.