Jackie Baker

Life of the Woman in the Tin Box

Lined up mobile homes

with tin exoskeletons.

Colors of rust red,

burgundy blur,

neon fluorescence.

Eye

          Virgin

to the brightness.

Who knew that tin could be neon green?

Scabby,

Scraped,

Screens

          hanging

on window faces.

Women sit inside these tin boxes,

wishing for itchy hands.

Superstition says that

Itchy hands brings

Good fortune,

Good men.

Dreams of no more El Patron through veins.

No Corona.

No Tequila.

T.V voices fill the caged boxes.

Smell of tortillas.

Frijoles hanging from

          long mustaches,

          and pointy chins.

This is the life of the woman in the tin box.

The pattering of little feet like

fleeting dreams.

Children

 Husband

Money

Everything is fleeting.

Their surroundings are brightly lit

with gaudy chandeliers

but their life is extinguished.

No light to their dreams.

No intricacies fill their voids.

Pure simplicity.

Their only companion is the T.V,

their men

children

calloused hands

thoughts of suicide.

This is the life of the woman in the tin box.

Original Version

Life of the Woman in the Tin Box

Lined up

tin cubed boxes.

Colors of rust red,

burgundy blur,

neon fluorescence.

Eye

            Virgin

to the brightness.

Who knew that tin could be neon green?

Scabby

Scraped

Screens

            hanging

on window faces.

Women sit inside these tin boxes,

wishing for itchy hands.

Superstition says that

Itchy hands= Good fortune +Good men.

Dreams of no more mezcal;

No Corona.

No Tequila.

T.V voices fill the caged boxes.

Smell of tortillas.

Frijoles hanging from

            long mustaches,

            and pointy chins.

This is the life of the woman in the tin box.

The pit pattering of little feet

Fleeting dreams

Money

Children

Husband

Everything is fleeting.

The surroundings are brightly lit

With gaudy chandeliers

but their life is extinguished.

No light to their dreams

No intricacies fill their voids

only pure simplicity.

Their only companion is the T.V,

their men

children

calloused hands

thoughts of suicide.

This is the life of the woman in the tin box.

Revision Account

Magical Laptop

“I have to write what!” This was my first reactive thought when I found out that I would have to write a poem for a midterm submission. I started becoming anxious and I was overcome by thoughts of late nights and Red Bull fuel. The strangest thing yet was that I had writer’s block without even having put a pen to paper. I composed myself and I took suggestions from chapter 3 of the textbook handouts which advises the writer to, “Stop, Look, and Listen” to your surroundings and use your personal background as inspiration. The idea for the poem, “Life of the Woman in the Tin Box” came the day that my mom and I visited my aunt’s trailer park community. I had been to this trailer park many times before but I had never really “looked “at the place with the eyes of a writer. I have always thought this trailer park community unique in that it is composed of Mexican people who emigrated from the same parts of Mexico as my mother. My goal was to incorporate parts of my heritage into the poem but to also include the routines and responsibilities of women, particularly Mexican women.

 For the revision account, I received the help of two of my classroom peers. Most of the suggestions that they gave me were grammatical and had to do with the structure of the poem. Both of my peers enjoyed my poem but one of them told me that she understood the poem to a certain extent. She wanted me to make the setting of the poem more concrete because she felt it was too abstract. Both of my peers liked the title of the poem because they felt that the repetition of this phrase throughout the poem brought cohesion to the poetry piece. In order to effectively show the positive effects of peer feedback, I will analyze the poem by connection to the stanza. Written in red are the suggestions for improvement and in purple will be the new changes made.

In lines 1-5 the following suggestions were made:

Lined up Where is this taking place?

tin cubed boxes.

Colors of rust red,

burgundy blur,

neon fluorescence.

Possibly a new stanza for emphasis

The following changes made to lines 1-4 in purple:

Lined up mobile homes

with tin exoskeletons.

Colors of rust red,

burgundy blur,

neon fluorescence.

In lines 6-9 the following changes were made:

Eye

            Virgin

to the brightness.

Who knew that tin could be neon green?

In lines 6-9, no suggestions were made. Both peers liked the flow and the aversion of the eye that is caused with structural change.

In lines 10- 14, the following suggestions were made:

Scabby, possible punctuation, a comma to lines 10-11.

Scraped,

Screens

            hanging

on window faces.

The following changes were made to lines 10-14:

Scabby,

Scraped,

Screens

            hanging

on window faces.

I agreed with one of my peers who said to add a comma after “scabby” and one after “scraped” because both are descriptors to the windows of the mobile homes. Also to keep cohesion since I added commas after lines 3-4 this was able to keep the eye in balance with the poem.

In lines 15- 20, the following suggestions were made:

Women sit inside these tin boxes,

wishing for itchy hands.

Superstition says that

Itchy hands= Good fortune +Good men. Not sure about this use? Possibly

                                                                            break up this part of the poem.

Changes made to lines 15-20:

Women sit inside these tin boxes,

wishing for itchy hands.

Superstition says that

Itchy hands bring

Good fortune, 

Good men.

I chose to take the advice of one of my peers on lines 18-20. Instead of keeping the = sign, I replace it with the word “bring” and I removed the + sign by breaking up “good fortune” and “good men” from each other.

The following suggestions were made for lines 21- 23

Dreams of no more mescal; What is Mescal? Punctuation correction

No Corona.

No Tequila.

Changes made to lines 21-23

Dreams of no more El Patron through the veins.

No Corona.

No Tequila.

In line 21, I changed the use of the word “mescal” for “El Patron”, a more recognizable liquor to the reader. Mescal is pure alcohol concentrate that is consumed in the poorer parts of Mexico.

The following suggestions were made to lines 30- 35:

The pit pattering of little feet cliché

Fleeting dreams make a change in word placement

Money               Children

Children             Husband

Husband             Money

Everything is fleeting.

Changes made to lines 30-35:

The pattering of little feet like

fleeting dreams.

 Children

 Husband

Money

Everything is fleeting.

In lines 32- 34, I took my peers suggestions and I changed the word order to empathize how Mexican women put their children before anything else. Here I wanted to emphasize how women give everything to their families and they end up as empty nesters with nothing to do but watch soap operas.

In lines 42- 47 the following suggestions were made:

Their only companion is the T.V,

their men   rearrange the structure?

children

calloused hands

thoughts of suicide. Separate this sentence for better statement

This is the life of the woman in the tin box.

Changes made to lines 42-47:

Their only companion is the T.V,

their men  

children

calloused hands

thoughts of suicide.  

This is the life of the woman in the tin box.

For line 46, I agreed that the line “thoughts of suicide” should be separated because I wanted to shook the reader as their eye is descending nicely into the lines when all of a sudden they are “BAAMM”, awoken by the gong.

Final Thoughts

I would just like to say that I overreacted when I found out that I had to write a poem. By taking advice from peers and from the textbook handouts, I realized that inspiration is everywhere. Who knew that I would be writing a poem about one of my aunts? Overall, I very much enjoyed writing a poem about what I find fascinating, my culture and the Mexican woman. This has been an eye opening experience for me. I would just like to explain why I titled my revision account “Magical Laptop”. I used this title to pay homage to my laptop, who with its powers allowed the juices to flow in my head. Enjoy!