Hillary Roth

Last Breath Revised 

            This fiction piece was difficult for me to write, and I started several different stories before settling on this one. I love to write because it is something that I enjoy, but usually my works are fictional fantasy filled with tales of Druids, wizards, priestesses, and knights. However, this piece, the first of its kind for me, connects with my own life and emotions.

            I suffer with Bipolar Disorder and have first hand experience with its power. This tale is part fiction and part reality. It embodies the thought process of someone who has been debilitated by Bipolar Disorder, and the pain you feel thinking you will never escape. The interactions with Pippa’s sister, Francesca (Chessy), are inspired by my own sister who I enjoyed hyperbolizing. J Francesca is the comedic relief in some cases even if it is dark humor.

I wanted the class to read this story for entertainment and insight into the mind of someone who has been burdened with a mental illness. More often than not people question the practice of psychiatric medicine and its diagnoses. It is necessary to understand that these illnesses of the mind are just as serious as heart disease, diabetes, etc.

I received several great ideas from the class during the workshop that I have taken into account during my revisions. For example, Alicia and Tara’s idea to revamp how the parents died to add more to the story. There were many suggestions editing my punctuation, wording, and tense. I thought it was interesting that an anonymous classmate left me a note on a draft telling me that they were able to relate to my story because they also suffered from such a disorder. It really meant something to me to read that.  I did choose not to tone down the effect of the anxiety and depression had on Pippa after someone commented that it did not seem realistic. The anxiety episode reflected something I have similarly experienced and feel that is very real. Many enjoyed the names of the characters and others felt they were a little farfetched, but I enjoy unique names, and have chosen to keep them.

I feel this piece was meant to be a short story and it unlikely that I will extend it. I feel there are more tweaks surrounding Connell and the dialogue with Pippa, and the parents’ deaths. At some point I think that I could submit this piece to a contest or short story journal, but for now I think it will stay between the class, my friends, and I.

These are a few of the major edits that have been completed on this submission.

Edits:

Alicia suggested that I cut unnecessary wording from sentences.

Before:

“Chessy stopped on the side of road to take pictures of it all from larkspur and peonies…”        

Now:

“Chessy stopped on the side of the road to take pictures of larkspur and peonies…”

There were many other cuts made similar to this from several sentences throughout the work. Also, she suggested that I revise my use of to-be words and exposition. Based on these ideas, I attempted to go back through the work and alter what I could to work with the story.

Dr. White wrote on his copy that I add Gavin into this sentence.

Before:

“I send my love to my beautiful sister with her vibrant green eyes, and Connell with his amazing heart.”

Now:

“I sent my love to my beautiful sister with her vibrant green eyes, Connell with his amazing heart, and Gavin in hopes he cared for my sister.”

I added Gavin to the mix as suggested and edited the tense since the story is being told as if it has already taken place. Many suggested that the there were issues with the tenses being incorrect throughout the work and I attempted to correct that.

Also, I added a new scene where Pippa tells the story of the parents’ deaths. I am not sure if this works. I did not want to place the parents’ deaths in PEI because that would have ruined the innocence of the island.

Before:

Parents died in car crash.

After:

It was still fresh on my mind. The deaths of our parents and that tragic day that forever marked our lives.

We were all home for the holidays, me from college and Chessy from her big city job. It was the night before Christmas Eve. Wel decorated the tree and had hot chocolate with shots of Bailey’s. Mom and Dad left to go to a friend’s Christmas party down town.

            Dad was all smiles and kisses. “Now you girls behave and don’t drink all of Daddy’s Irish Cream.”

            We laughed. Mom shook her head. “Oh, Dan. Now, girls, please wrap some of the presents for tomorrows get together. Okay?”

            I nodded in agreement. Chess piped in. “Of course mom, now you two get out of here and go have a good time.”

They kissed us good bye and we waved to them as they drove away. Chess and I watched The Christmas Story marathon while wrapping gifts in the family room. We passed out after one. Some time close to three in the morning we were woken by our father hollering and mother begging him to calm down.

“Dan, please sit down and relax.”

“I saw the way you looked at him. Do you think I am blind, Margot?”

“Dan, what are you talking about? When’s the last time you took your meds?”

Dad slurred out. “I don’t need those damn pills to think clearly, Margot. I see the way those people laugh at me behind my back knowing you’re cheating on me with that man.”

I nudged Francesca who was awake next to me. “What do we do?”

            “Maybe he’ll pass out.”

            “Are you sure we shouldn’t go in there?”

            “You know what happened the last time.”

            “I don’t care this is serious and I’m scared for mom.”

She sighed and nodded for us to grab our robes. Things had gotten eerily quiet. Before long we heard things being thrown and a door slam. We tiptoed to our parents’ bedroom door.

            “Daniel! Stop! Have you lost your mind?

            I was struck with fear and couldn’t knock wondering what my father could be doing during this manic state. Francesca was paralyzed until we heard our mother scream.

            “Momma? Daddy?” I called through the door.

            Mother cried out. “Girls, leave the house. You have to get out of the house.”

            Francesca screamed. “Mother, we are calling 911.”

            I ran to grab the phone but the next thing we heard were three gunshots followed moments later by one more. Both of us were unable to move.

            We started banging on the door screaming for them. “Mom! Dad! Answer us!”

“Chessy! Hurry we have to get in there.”

            Her hands shook as we tried to pry the door open. The sound of sirens and someone knocking at our front door filled the background. I tried to get in to their room by slamming my body into the door until I was pulled aside.

            “Let us through, Miss.”

            Chessy and I held each other on the couch. Neither of us said anything or moved in fear it would break the spell.

            “Miss?” A police officer was standing in front of us. It seemed like days had passed. “Are you the daughters of the couple?”

            Chessy answered “Yes sir, we are their daughters.”

            “I hate to say this but they are dead. It looks like your father shot your mother three times and then turned the gun on himself. Do you know why this happened?”

            The last thing I heard was Francesca. “Our father is Bipolar and he was off his meds…”

            My world spun away from me and I was unable to find a foothold for some time. I was hospitalized and Francesca had to deal with the murder suicide and double funerals on her own.