Karina Ramos

The New White Bear

Like many before me I had no idea what to write about so I turned to fairy tales as a source for inspiration. I ran into the story East of the Sun West of the Moon, which became the base for my story.

Some of the things I learned through the revisions is comma placement. I still need a lot of work but the original had a lot of comma errors.

This work has gone through several revisions. It went through about three before it was even shown to the class. And now again for the final revision account. A lot of comments were made but unfortunately not as many were written down. I have corrected the grammatical errors that were popularly pointed out and I have also done some other minor correction. Yet there are some big ones that I could remember.

Big Change 1:

Before:

Deborah had been the one to stay with his father through the whole illness and had finally left Derek Kole’s side when he’d been placed in the ground. “In sickness and in health, ‘till death do us part.” She’d taken the words to heart and had followed them to the letter.

After:

Deborah had been the one to stay with his father through the whole illness. She’d sat talking to him quietly even though it was unclear whether he heard a word. She finally left Derek Kole’s side when he’d been placed in the ground. “In sickness and in health, ‘till death do us part.” She’d taken the words to heart and had followed them to the letter.

Even though I don’t want to give it away too early I thought I’d drop in one more little hint since a lot of people wanted to know.

Big Change 2:

Before:

Emlan’s eyes grew big. Out of all the girls she could have picked, that one hadn’t even crossed his mind. “You can’t be serious. She’s my sister!”

“Stepsister,” she corrected.

“Whatever!” Then he spotted the girl for the first time, lingering in the hall. “Helena, you can’t seriously agree with all this,” he demanded of her.

She shrugged, “We’re not related. Not really, so there’s no problem.”

“I can’t believe I’m hearing this,” he yelled. “Me marry Helena?”

After:

Emlan’s eyes grew big. Out of all the girls she could have picked, that one hadn’t even crossed his mind. “You can’t be serious. She’s my sister!”

“Stepsister,” she corrected.

“Whatever!” Then he spotted the girl for the first time, lingering in the hall. She looked like she’d just woken up. Her star patterned blue pajamas were wrinkled and her dark curly hair fell messily down her back. Even without the makeup and the accessories she usually wore she was still pretty.

“Helena, you can’t seriously agree with all this,” he demanded of her.

She shrugged, “We’re not related. Not really, so there’s no problem,” she said before attempting to finger-comb her hair into order.

“I can’t believe I’m hearing this,” he yelled. “Me marry Helena?”

Everyone apparently like Helena and wanted her described further. So I’ve given her a little more description and added a little more too her. Yet this being the first part in the story I didn’t want to put everything down.

Big Change 3:

Okay I really had trouble with this one. Everyone kept saying that the word ‘commoner’ that Debora used sounded way too old fashioned. Yet, I couldn’t find a more modern equivalent. I saw that the root of the word commoner is common man. That led me to people today calling a plain man Joe. The female variant would be Jane. Therefore all the ‘commoner’s have been replaced by ‘plain Jane’s. If was surprisingly said only once but hopefully this more modern phrasing will help.

More Comments:

There was also a lot of commenting on the fact that the origin of the story was a Norse myth. For some reason people wanted to tie it back to Norway. However, that fact that the myth that inspired the story came form Norway it doesn’t mean that the story is in any other way related to it. I have chosen not to add either Norse name or other Norse indicators for the fact that this isn’t that same story.

Another comment that was made was with regards to Emlan transforming into a bear. I was told that once I changed the story away from the original he no longer has to turn into a bear. I’ve chosen to keep him a bear. The fact that he’s such a big animal that is only seen in part of the world will no doubt bring about some interesting conflict in the future. Also that’s the way I’ve always imagined him and I just can’t think of him as anything else.