Jackie Baker

Enlightened Brain Cells

I would first like to say that when I found out that we had to write our own fictional piece and that we would have to share it with the class, I was terrified. I immediately, started jotting down ideas for a possible story. I spent about three weeks writing ideas on any kind of paper that I could find. I wrote on sticky notes, on my dinner napkin, and even on my dry cleaning receipts.  I was like a madwoman. I guess being terrified was a good thing because it set my brain on overdrive.

During this time, Karina was a huge help. She told me not to worry about writing an awesome story right away. She told me, “The first thing to do is to start writing. Write about anything that interests you.” I took her advice and began writing about things that interested me. I wrote about anything. I even caught myself writing about a butterfly that had the power to kill dinosaurs with only the flutter of her wings. When we are desperate, you come up with the weirdest things!

Before writing my story, I spent some time deciding on the type of story to write. I debated whether to make my story a drama, a comedic story (I’m horrible at telling jokes) or a fantasy/fairy tale. I finally decided that I would write a story based on a fairy tale. I went online and found a European fairytale that was about a fish. The fairy tale is about an old poor fisherman who finds a fish. This fish tells the old man that he can have three wishes. The old man takes the fish home to his wife, who makes the three wishes. After the wishes are made, the fish takes away the wishes because the couple has become too greedy.  I revamped the fairytale to make it my own. Instead of having an elderly couple in the story, I made the main characters a father and his daughter. Instead of finding the fish, I made the father go out on a voyage to find it.

To further prepare to write my story, I made a list of all the authors that I enjoyed reading. I also looked at the writing style of the authors. Once, I did this, I was able to figure out what frame to place my story in. One of the authors that greatly influenced my story was Gabriel Garcia Marquez. Marquez uses the genre of magical realism to sprinkle whimsy into his novels. He is able to effectively merge magical elements into a realistic setting to create elements of surprise for his readers. In my own story I incorporated a magic fish, an exotic bird named Mana and a rainbow colored whirlpool. I sprinkled these magical elements into the realistic setting of the story.

After reading the story, I received a very good review from my classmates. I was told that my story was very creative and was full of descriptors that brought the story to life. I was also told that I did a good job in creating believable characters that could easily be trusted by the reader. I was also given constructive advice on how to further improve my story. I was told that in some instances, my verb tenses switched around. I learned that I had to decide on a verb tense and stick to it. For my revision account, I went through my story and made sure that the tenses were consistent.

During the workshop process, my peers made some suggestions to further emphasize some parts or modify others:

Emphasize the following:

Add more information on Hortencia’s mother

Add more information why Hortencia was branded with a scar

Possible Modifications:

The child’s scar- Possibly change the scar to something else

Possibly remove the bird; it is a distraction

Make the character of Milagros good over being evil

            In the final draft of my story, I took my peers advice and I added more background information on Hortencia’s. I also added more information on why Hortencia’s face had been branded by the saints. I mentioned how Hortencia’s mother had blasphemed against the saints, causing her daughter to be punished for her rebellion. On the other hand, there were some suggestions that I didn’t agree with. One of the suggestions made was that I change the scar on Hortencia’s face into something else. Some said that it is not natural for a child to be born with a scar, since scars occur only when one is injured. I know that it is unusual for a child to be born with a scar, but I wrote a fantasy story. In the world of fantasy, nothing is impossible. Another suggestion made was that I remove the bird in the story. I didn’t remove the bird but I added a reason for the bird being there. Before the revision account, I had just brought in the bird without a form of explanation of where the bird came from. Instead of removing it from the story, I included a section where the Virgin Mary sends the bird to help provide for Prudencio. Another suggestion that came up was to make Milagros good instead of bad. I chose to keep her evil because every fairy tale has an evil character. I mean if I made her good, then I wouldn’t have any suspicion or intrigue in the story. Overall, I received great reviews and very good suggestions that improved my story.

            In the future, I plan to further develop the story into a short story. I could possible write a collection of stories that take place in the small town of La Laja. I could write about the villagers or I can further develop a story of Hortencia’s mother. I have not though much about publishing this story. I have never really published anything, so I am hesitant about it. In the future, I would like to include this story in a collection of stories.

            The constructive criticism given by my peers has been very effective in the recreation of my story. As I mentioned in my introduction, I was very hesitant about sharing my story with my peers, but I was just exaggerating. Having the students dissect my work has allowed me improve my story. It has truly been a great workshop class.

Original Manuscript to Compare:

The Enchanted Fish

Prudencio looks down at his daughter’s lifeless body as it is being roughly beaten by the strong San Blas waves. On his right hand he carries a casting net, which he tightly squeezes leaving scale like indentations on his tan-colored palm. He lowers his head and peers silently at the small casting net. Within it lies his daughter’s murderer.

-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

The life of Prudencio Monsivais and his daughter Hortencia changed the day Milagros Hurtado came to the small village of La Laja. She arrived being carried by a strong windstorm that swept through the village. Trailing behind her was a large weather-beaten wooden cart which was filled with large amounts of unusual sized trinkets, colorful spices, and rare birds trapped inside of black iron cages. The villagers of La Laja looked in awe as the tall, raven- haired, brown skinned woman yelled words of invitation.

 “Hello to all, I am Milagros Hurtado. I am here to share a piece of the world with you. Come and look at my wide selection of valuables, you won’t be disappointed.” She motioned for the villagers to gather closer to her but they remained standing, motionless, outside of their small huts.

“Don’t be afraid she exclaimed. “I am not here to harm you but to give you desires of your heart.” 

The villagers looked in silence as the strange woman reached into the cart for a large globe with a heavy brass base. She lifts the globe high up over her head, so that all the villagers can see.

 “Look at this, everyone. In my hands, I am holding the entire world.”

She pointed to an old crippled man who is closest to her. “Wouldn’t you, good sir, like the power to travel the world without having to leave your home?” The old man only looked at Milagros in puzzlement without responding.

Milagros looked at the uninterested villagers and began to worry. This had never happened to her before. In every village she had visited, there had been villagers mesmerized by her soft lips and great promises of exploration and adventure.

 She decided that before she could trick the villagers into exploring the great seas in search of the enchanted banded butterfly fish (remove), she must first gain their trust. She must have the fish in her possession, no matter who had to pay the ultimate prize.

Milagros looked at the villagers and addressed them with words of warmth and deceiving promise. “I know that it is difficult to trust a stranger who has come to your village. Please, let me show you that I mean no harm. Whoever steps forward will be rewarded with the desires of their heart.” Milagros waited in silence for a moment, waiting for someone to respond to her words of provocation.

Within a short while, she noticed that a short man in a sombrero and a small girl with a reboso wrapped around her head, were slowly walking towards her. The short man addressed Milagros. “Hello, I’m Prudencio Monsivais and this is my daughter Hortencia.” As he looked down towards his daughter, the small girl removed the reboso from around her head, exposing her face. Milagros gasped as she looked down at the child. The child had a large red scar covering the left side of her face, as if her wounded (added word) cheek had been stitched together by an amateur seamstress. (This section was discussed by the class because some didn’t think that a curse could cause a scar; Some said to change the scar to something else)  

Milagros remained silently staring at the small girl unable to utter a word. Prudencio begins to speak, “My daughter was born this way as a punishment to my wife. My wife blasphemed against the Virgin Mary and the saints; she did not believe in their power.” Prudencio looked at Milagros’s expressionless face, “Do you have anything in your cart, which would defy the punishment of the saints? If you can erase the punishment from my daughter’s face, I will give you everything in my possession.” He continued to look at Milagros’s face, hoping that she would reach into her cart and pull out a concrete solution.  He rushed over to the water’s edge and stands beside a large object covered by a tarp made of dry banana leaves. He quickly exposes the object underneath the tarp. “This is a boat that I have been building with my own hands. I will give you my favorite possession, if you help my daughter.”

Milagros looked at the eagerness in Prudencio’s eyes and decided that she had found the person who would do as she pleased. “Before I give you the desires of your heart, I must tell you that I don’t have the solution in my possession, (added) but, (removed) don’t fret.  I do know where to find the one who can defy the punishment of the saints. Before I tell you where to find the solution, you must promise me something.”

Prudencio quickly responded without hesitation. “I will give you anything you want in exchange for the removal of my daughter’s mark. Anything you want, just tell me.”

Milagros looked silently at Prudencio and motioned for him to come closer. She stretched out her jeweled hand towards him. “Before I take you up on your offer, (added comma) Prudencio, let us go inside of your hut. I have been on a long voyage, (added comma) and I must have something to drink.”

Prudencio nods in agreement and he gathers Hortencia’s small hand and they walk inside, Milagros Hurtado a step behind. 

The villagers began to talk amongst themselves about this strange woman who had come to their village. “There is no way that one woman could have traveled alone, she must be a witch”, (remove punctuation) the women exclaimed. “She has bewitched him with her poisonous lips. The devil has given her the power to speak deceiving words.” (Add more information on Hortencia’s mom here)

“Poor Prudencio this will be the end of him”, (remove punctuation) the men uttered.

Inside of the hut, Prudencio and Milagros sit around a small fire, drinking cool coconut milk out of hollowed out coconut shells. Hortencia sits on small wooden bench, facing the open sea. Prudencio whispers to Milagros, “Tell me what I must do.” 

Milagros begins to weave her tale of deceit. “I must tell you a tale. No matter how silly it sounds, you must believe me.” Prudencio nods in agreement and Milagros begins to tell the tale of the enchanted banded butterfly fish of the Tampico waters.

“It is said that 3,000 years ago the river god sent to the waters of the world, a banded butterfly fish as a gift to man. This fish is said to be the color of translucent purple velvet. Throughout its body are numerous dark, thin lines that radiate at a diagonal and it has streaks of yellowish bands running through its fins. One way to distinguish the fish from the others is to look at its eyes. The glittering eyes, an acid green, are said to hold the power to give man the desires of his heart. No man has ever caught the fish, (added comma) but whoever catches it, (remove comma) will be granted one wish.”

Prudencio looked at Milagros in astonishment. After a few seconds he responded angrily, “Are you telling me that catching this fish will remove my daughter’s mark? How do I know that the fish exists if it has never been caught by man?”

“I told you not to question me but to trust me. I know that the fish exists because I myself was once close to catching the fish. I truly believe that only a man will be the only one capable of catching the enchanted banded (remove word) butterfly fish.” Milagros turns to Hortencia and motions her to come close. She begins to run her fingers through Hortencia’s sun streaked blond hair. “Look at your daughter, Prudencio. Do you think that she deserves to be branded by the saints?” (Add more information here about Hortencia being branded).

Milagros rose from the table and walked towards the door. She turned to look at Prudencio. “If you don’t want to help me catch the fish, then I will take my knowledge elsewhere. Maybe a man in another distant land will trust me enough to go find the enchanted fish.” She slowly began to step out of the door, in order to tease Prudencio. As her foot touched the sandy floor of the outdoors, Prudencio called out to her, “Stop, (added comma) Milagros, I will do as you say. Tell me where to find the fish and I will not question you.”

Milagros stepped back into the small hut. “Okay, Prudencio, I will tell you where to find the fish but on one condition.”

“What is it?” Prudencio eagerly asked.

“You must bring the fish back to me alive. That means that you can’t kill the fish because, (added comma) once dead, the fish cannot give you your wish. Once the fish is in my possession, it will give you your one wish.  Once your wish has been granted, you must let me take the fish and do what I please with it.  Is that clear, Prudencio?”

“Yes Milagros, I understand.”

Milagros scratched her chin with her long purple fingernail. “Before telling you where to find the fish, I must show you something.” Within the pocket of her flowered patterned skirt, Milagros retrieved a small black bag tied with a gold, shiny ribbon. Before she untied the ribbon, Milagros asked Hortencia to come close. “Hortencia, open the bag and stick your hand inside. Pull out what’s inside and show your father.” Hortencia obeyed Milagros and stuck her hand inside of the black bag. She retrieved four pebbles, the color of emerald green. Prudencio looked at the four small pebbles which had begun to glow on (rephrase to that glowed) Hortencia’s small hand. 

Prudencio anxiously asked, “What are the pebbles for?”

            “When you sprinkle these four pebbles on the water’s surface, they will light up and attract the enchanted banded butterfly fish to the surface of the water. Once you see the fish coming up to the water’s surface, you must quickly throw a casting net in order to catch the fish.”

Prudencio quickly asked Milagros, “In what location do I sprinkle the pebbles?”

 “You must get into your boat and sail to the center of the water, where the four great seas intersect. When you find the spot of intersection, you will see a rainbow colored whirlpool which houses the fish. Upon seeing this, you must sprinkle the pebbles into the rainbow whirlpool. Do you understand what you must do?”

“Yes, I do. I will wait until morning because I need the sun to shine its rays for quick detection. You are welcome to stay until morning, Milagros. You can sleep on my cot. I will sleep outside on the hammock.”

“Thank you for your great kindness, Prudencio. I will accept your kind offer.” 

The next morning, Prudencio is awakened by Milagros’s longer fingernail tapping his shoulder. “Good morning, (added comma) Prudencio, its time. I will watch over Hortencia and keep her safe while you go in search of the fish”.

Prudencio rose from the hammock, without responding to Milagros’s demand, and went inside of the hut to see his daughter. Inside, he noticed that Hortencia was peacefully sleeping. He quietly sat on the corner of the bed and looked at his sleeping child. He began to whisper words of love to Hortencia. “You will no longer be different. You are beautiful in my eyes, (added comma) but to others, (remove comma) you are a cursed soul. I will come back with the enchanted fish and you will have the desires of your heart. I will be back shortly. I love you.”

Prudencio said goodbye to his sleeping daughter and stepped outside of the hut. He slowly walked toward the tarp covered boat. He removed the tarp from the top of the boat and inspected it to make sure that there were not any damages. After he checked the boat, he walked towards Milagros, who was sitting on the hammock.

 “Give me the magic stones. The sooner I leave, the sooner I can be back with my daughter.”

Milagros handed Prudencio the black bag that contained the four pebbles.

            “Remember what I told you. Bring the fish back, unharmed, and you will get your one wish.”

 Prudencio nodded his head in agreement and he walked back to his boat. He looked back towards his hut and then quickly glanced back towards the impatient waters. . He slowly began to push his small boat to the water’s edge. As soon as the boat touched water, Prudencio jumped into the boat and was carried away by the strong waves. Prudencio looked towards land and he noticed that Milagros has a tight grin on her face. The last words he heard from Milagros before the roar of the sea drowned out her voice was (change to were), “Remember what I told you. Bring the fish back, (remove comma) unharmed, and you will get your one wish.”

Prudencio began to navigate through the rough waters. He decided that he needed pray to the Virgin Mary for protection. So he got on his knees and put his hands in the air:

“Blessed Virgin, you yourself are a mother. Lead me safely by the hand to the location of the fish. My daughter Hortencia depends on this quest, in order to have a normal life with a husband and a child. Make the sea calm with your powerful hands and grant me favor in your eyes.” (Make sure to recall the curse so that the reader will know what is going on)

The Virgin heard Prudencio’s supplications and she calmed the roaring waters. (Add more information here on how the virgin calmed the roaring sea) Prudencio rises to his feet and looked in wonder at the peaceful seas. The virgin has granted him favor but he knew that there were rougher times coming. (mention that the virgin sends the bird to help Prudencio)

Prudencio spent thirty days and nights navigating through the waters. He saw no human’s only different kinds of rare birds who perched on his boat. One particular bird came to visit Prudencio on his boat continually. This bird, (added comma) was the most unique bird Prudencio had ever seen. It was the color of deep rubies, had a long green beak and had pink feathered wings. The bird provided different kinds of foods for Prudencio. He would bring him crawfish, small octopus and goldfish, which he would house in his beak. This bird whom Prudencio named Mana, accompanied Prudencio throughout his voyage.  On the fiftieth day, Prudencio began to notice that the color of the sea had begun to change. For many days he had been traveling through Caribbean blue waters; but now, the waters were colored a hot pink shade. Prudencio thought that there was a strong possibility that he was close to the rainbow whirlpool, (added comma) but Milagros had not told him about the waters. After three days Prudencio came to a spot that could possibly be the one he had been looking for. (The class debated whether I should include the bird or not because he proves to be distracting)

            This must be the spot Milagros was talking about. I can see the whirlpool but it is not rainbow- colored.

Prudencio was hesitant about getting sucked in to the whirlpool, so he stayed a few feet away. After two days of waiting without any color change, he finally began to see some change in the whirlpool. He noticed that (remove word) a small school of orange sea horses passed (change to ing) by his boat. He saw as the small seahorses were sucked into the whirlpool. In an instant, the colorless whirlpool became rainbow colored. Upon seeing this, Prudencio began to plan how he was going to thrown the casting net over the whirlpool without harming it. He decided that he would have Mana, the bird, fly over the whirlpool and throw the casting net over it. Prudencio decided that he would hold on to a piece of the casting net to make sure that it would not be sucked in by the whirlpool. (Be more descriptive when you discuss how Prudencio trained Mana to help him)

Mana flew over the whirlpool and blanketed the casting net over the whirlpool. As soon as the casting net covered the whirlpool, Prudencio grabbed a piece of the casting net with great force, so that the casting net would not be sucked in. Prudencio then retrieved the black bag from his pocket and pulled out the four pebbles. He threw the stones through the holes of the casting net and he waited. Nothing happened. After ten anxious seconds, the rainbow colored whirlpool had begun to bubble with life. Prudencio noticed that many fish were rising up towards the surface but only one of the fish, the one with the green eyes, was actually nibbling at one of the pebbles.

In an instant, Prudencio threw himself into the water and had begun to desperately bunch the casting net into a tight ball. Once he accomplished this task, he had begun to go through the bag in search of the fish with the green eyes. When he came to the bottom of the casting net, he noticed that the fish with the green eyes was lying, as if dead. A chill ran down Prudencio’s back as he realized that the fish was not moving. The fish must have been crushed by Prudencio’s force as he rolled the casting net into a ball. He had begun to realize that he would never get his wish. He had broken his part of the deal, (add comma) and now Hortencia would remain marked for the rest of her life. He looked at the fish and he began to cry.