Paul Acevedo

December 12, 2009

Bringing Electronics to Life

                It had been several years since I wrote any kind of fiction. What would I write about? My classmates gave me a few ideas. A couple of them seemed reluctant to name the characters in their short stories, so I decided I would devote some attention to characters. The other students’ stories were almost entirely serious. Nothing wrong with that, but humor would give my story a chance to shine. Some people wrote chapters of novels instead of short stories, leaving me hungry to know their outcomes. My story had to be complete and concise.

Inspiration really struck when I heard the word frittata in someone’s story. What a word! The same story had an awkward shortening of an otherwise fairly normal name. These things were ripe for parody.  So my main character became Frittata, which of course he shortens to Fred. Still, I needed a premise. I worked at Target a long time ago. I had once joked over the walkie-talkie that the VCRs were biting people. There was my premise!

“We have a problem in Electronics,” a young woman’s voice came across the walkie-talkie.

“What is it, Ebony?” Fred responded.

“It’s the DVD players. They’re biting people.”

“I’m on my way.” Fred dashed out of the managerial offices and onto the sales floor.

 

                I wanted racial diversity in my story, but I did not want to directly call attention to anyone’s skin color. That is where Ebony’s name came in. Fred’s fellow managers, Roget and Waynette, were based closely on my old managers. Roget has an extensive vocabulary, which makes sense since his name comes from a thesaurus.

                I spent several days on the first two pages of the story, sending revisions back and forth to my girlfriend and my classmate Peter. Most of the ideas I had prior to actually writing wound up in those pages. They are especially dense with jokes, which I believe helps draw in the reader. I had to rush in order to complete the last three pages in time for my presentation. Those pages have more action, but the generally silliness of the premise keeps their tone fairly light.  I wrote until the last possible minute, arriving in class just in the nick of time.

                The presentation went as well as I hoped. Most of the jokes went over very well. People loved it when I poked fun at Target policies. They liked Frittata’s name and the tears he cries into an omelet (a frittata is some sort of omelet, supposedly). Even the pop culture references – jabs at bad movies and twists on Dan Brown novels – hit the right marks. Not many people mentioned the Oregon Trail reference, but my girlfriend liked it so I kept it.

                The class saw room for improvements though. A reference to the idiot savant character in Peter’s story amused absolutely no one, so I dropped it in the revision. I screwed up a joke about sloppy seconds with awkward wording (it works better in the revision). Dr. White felt that Waynette’s name and Roget’s name were too similar in spelling. When writing her character, I just used the actual person’s name - not very creative. A little transformation magic later and she became Norma Jean in the revision; the new name retains the originals southern flavor. I added a line about her scariness, too. The first draft ends with two paragraphs of epilogue text. Some said it wrapped things up too neatly, so I cut it down to one paragraph in Draft the Second and added some closer for Fred prior to the epilogue.

                I really liked my first draft, so adding new ideas was tricky. I would love it if the story had more thematic depth, but that wouldn’t mix well with all the silliness and action. So I tried to add some character development to Fred. Dr. White said I should give Ebony more to do. Thus Fred and Ebony became attracted to each other. I could use Fred’s strong work ethic as the reason for why they had never started dating:

                Fred and Ebony enjoyed a flirtatious working relationship, but he could never work up the courage to break the manager-employee relations rules and ask her out.

                By the end of the story he becomes bold enough to act on his feelings. It’s nothing amazing, but it’s better than I’m used to writing. Fred’s arc also set up a last joke about his real name, tying the beginning and end of the story together nicely. Frittata’s final thoughts evoke Johnny Cash’s “A Boy Named Sue,” but they are based on my own life too. I dislike my birth name but I sometimes allow girlfriends to use it as a pet name.

                 I also expanded upon Roget slightly. I called him French in the first draft but forgot to do anything with his Frenchness beyond naming him Frenchly. In the Revised and Ten Times More Awesome version of the story, Roget displays the traditional French cowardice: “Perhaps we should surrender.” Like Fred, he eventually overcomes his fears (due to Norma Jean’s beating) and faces their attackers head-on.

                Roget and Norma Jean’s experiences prompt me to address the issue of perspective. Someone suggested I depict the battle the two secondary managers’ battle. But I couldn’t do that because the story is told entirely from Fred’s perspective. He’s not present during Roget and Norma Jean’s battle, so he (and the reader) only learns about it from Roget’s hasty description. Nor do I want to steal the spotlight from Fred; this is his story. The narrator’s description of the other characters shows what Fred would actually think of them, especially Ebony. Hopefully this helps the reader develop a connection with the heroic Electronics manager.

                The final addition involves the story’s villains. A few people wanted more description of their appearance. That was tricky because the story only works if they are described vaguely. Real DVD players can’t walk, hop, or do flying ninja kicks, so I intentionally left those things to the reader’s imagination. But the Revision of Excellence does have one of them foaming at the mouth, another punching with its disc-tray, and the lights going out when it’s killed. I call it compromise!

                Even though I added a romantic subplot and additional details to several sections, the new draft is the same length as the old one. That’s because I trimmed down some unnecessary bits like the longer epilogue and a dialogue exchange between Fred and a female customer… or is that guest? I forget. My short story is richer now, but also tighter. Writing is a challenging and time-consuming process for me; I agonize over every little thing and beat myself up over the flaws that slip through. Yet I am really proud of “Rumble in the ‘Tronics.” It wouldn’t exist without Dr. White’s guidance and the terrific suggestions of my classmates and friends. All this talking about it makes me want to punch a DVD player!