Jeff Derrickson

Positive

“Dude, 9-1-1 on table 16.  Here’s their drink order.”

“And a five-top at that?  Cool, I’m on it.”  9-1-1 is waiter code for “hot chick.”  I could always count on Jon to let me know to go check it out.  I swear that guy’s got a girl radar built into his head.  I finished snacking on some bread in the back wait (Serverish for the area in which waiters prepare drinks and enter orders), wiped my face, and approached the table.  Three women and two guys sat there, looking up at me with the amusingly bewildered look that decorates the faces of almost all restaurant patrons when a waiter walks up for the first time.  One of the perks of working at The Denizen, which was an upscale American fusion-style restaurant, is that we get an automatic 20 % gratuity on tables of five people or more.  Most places require eight or more for grat, and the poor sap only gets 15%.  This way, I’ll still get paid even if I crash and burn.

“Hey there everyone!  Welcome to The Denizen.  I’ll be taking care of you tonight.  My name is Dray.  And before you ask, I am neither heaping, peeping, nor creeping.” 

Crickets.  It appears that my guests are not fans of the musical stylings of Dr. Dre.  That line always gets some laughs from those who aren’t completely white.  I run down the night’s specials and sell a couple of appetizers, scarcely taking my eyes off the 9-1-1.  Holy fire, was she smokin’!  Vietnamese, or maybe Korean—I’m not too proud to say that I cannot even begin to tell the difference, though I can tell the difference between Japanese and Chinese.  Either way, I bet her skin tone would glow in the dark.  Cropped black hair, peppered with bright red highlights.  Thin, but not bony—tattoos on the inside of her forearms.  I couldn’t tell what they were, though.  A dark sort of look, but not all “die, die, die.”  Her bright red lips match the thin eyeliner under her eyes, and often curve into a smile that both relaxed and excited me.

I reached over her shoulder to place a St. Arnold’s draft in front of her.  As I drew back, I couldn’t help a peek down her shirt that revealed a lacy red bra.  I always wonder if ladies are actually aware that their waiters do this.  It’s practically a pastime for us. 

“All right, my friends, what looks good tonight?  Y’know, besides the vision of loveliness to my right?”  That got some chuckles from the table, and an embarrassed smile from my 9-1-1.

“We’re gonna need more time,” one guy chimed in.

“Take all the time you need,” I said.  “We don’t close until ten.”  More laughs.  I have them now.  Some tables just don’t have any sense of humor, but this one recovered from an awkward start.  Now I had them eating out of the palm of my hand.  I had a pretty girl to flirt with, the majority of them laughed at my stupid jokes, and now this chap volunteered to be my patsy.  Anytime I got a big table, I’d always pick out somebody to mess with.  Just as with many successful comedians, a successful waiter must occasionally rail on some poor chump.

I walked into the back wait to find a smiling Jon.  “Amirite?”  He asked, hi-fiving me.

“What can I say, when you’re right, you’re right.  Looks like I hit the jackpot with this table.  Five people means a fat gratuity, plus I get a pretty girl to look at.”  I smiled as I made the table some water to go along with their drinks. 

“Whoa whoa whoa. Just to look at?”  Jon put his hand on my tray.  “Come on Dray!  How long has it been since that girl—what was her name again?”

“Farah.”

“Oh yeah, Viper Bitch!  How long has it been since she fucked you over, man?

“Eight months.”

“Fuck that.  I got you this table for a reason.  There’s five people and she’s the odd one out.”

“Shit dude, I didn’t even notice that.”

Jon laughed.  “The poonanny radar’s set to high today!”

“So why didn’t you jump on her?”

He waved me off.  “Naw man, I ain’t into that gothic shit.  And you know I gotta have a big ass.  You know those Asian chicks don’t have no ass.”

“Cause that doesn’t fit your stereotype at all, Jon.  You want some fried chicken and Kool-Aid too?”

“Shut yo dumb ass up and go.  Don’t let me down, boy! Make me proud!”  Jon cheered me on as I left the back wait.  Jon had helped me out a lot since I broke up with—since Farah broke up with me.  I really was in love with her.  She’s the only person I’ve ever been in love with.  The only person I’ve felt a strong enough connection to consider a future together.  I get caught up on remembering the good times—my fingers through her long blonde hair after we had sex for the first time, spontaneous drives into the middle of nowhere, karaoke night at our favorite bar every week.  But Jon was right.  It’s time to move on.  I just have to think positive.  Don’t even consider that she’ll say no.  I arrived back to the table and took their orders.  Almost as if he were reading my script, my chump stalled his order, the last at the table.

“No, seriously, take all the time you need, my indecisive friend,” I smiled.  This just gives me more time to talk to…” I knelt down beside the 9-1-1 and grabbed her hand, awaiting an answer.

She smiled.  “Merikris.”

“Merikris?”

“Like Merry Christmas, with no tmas.”

“No shi—no crap?”  The table laughed.  The near slip was on purpose.  People seem to love it when people that are working break the rules, or almost break them.

Merikris laughed as well.  “No shit.”

“What a beautiful and unique name.  I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised that someone so gorgeous would have such an awesome name to match.”  I used flamboyant hand gestures and over-the-top language on purpose, as it was a good way to point things out, such as her beauty, without being too intrusive or offensive.  A little tactic I learned from Jon.  I noticed the other lady at the table rolling her eyes, which was exactly what I wanted.

The folks at the table and Merikris laughed a bit, then she said, “Your words do me honor, kind sir.  You could breathe life into a stone.”

Terrific!  She matched my over-the-top-ness.  “The most impossibly beautiful woman I’ve ever seen in my life just quoted Shakespeare to me.  That was Shakespeare, right, Merikris?”

“All’s Well That Ends Well,” She giggled.

 “One could only hope.”  I resumed my theatrics.  “Do you all know what this means?”  The patrons looked at one another and shrugged.  “It means she has a pretty brain inside her pretty head as well!”  I rested my hand on my patsy’s shoulder.  “Goodness.  I feel a swoon coming on.”  They were all getting a kick out of the show, and I made sure to catch Merikris’s eye throughout my tirade to convey my seriousness.

The patsy removed my hand and cleared his throat.  “I’m ready to order.”

“Sir, may I have your name?”

“Jason.”

“Jason, I’m afraid you’ve caught me in the middle of a swoon.  Can you give me a moment?”  I audibly inhaled and exhaled musically.  “Thank you Jason, now what will you have?”

“I’m just gonna have a burger.”

“You want cheese?”

“No.”

“Bacon?”

“No.”

“Avocado?  Jalapenos?  Tuna salad?  Sprinkles?”

Jason chuckled, which is good.  I wanted to rib on him without alienating him.  “No, no, no, and no!”

“Tsk, how dull.  I don’t think you’re allowed to sit by Merikris anymore, Jason.”  They all laughed.  “One more suggestion, Jason: hearty handshake for being such a good sport?”  We shook.  “Round of applause for Jason.”  The table clapped politely.  “Now back to your seat, kid.  I’ll be right back with your yum yums.”  As I walked away, I made sure to make eye contact with Merikris again.  I was feeling pretty good about myself, and getting excited.  I looked around the back wait for Jon.  “Dude, I think I got this.  She’s eating me up.”

“Well hopefully she’ll be gobbling you up a little later.  Nyum nyum nyum!”

I turned to put the order into the computer.  “Wow, never make that sound around me again, dude.”

As I finished the order, Callie took her turn at the computer.  Callie was not the most popular of us—in fact, most of us downright hated her, but she was regarded as one of our top servers due to that she acted as a mini-manager.  The manager, Victor, did not do much more than play on the internet and invite whoever he was dating into his office to impress them.  Hence someone like Callie, who took it upon herself to attempt to keep her fellow servers in line, was a desirable commodity.  “Guys, I don’t think this kind of language is appropriate.  Let’s keep it G-rated.”

Jon cocked his head and looked at Callie like he was going to assault her.  “Yeah, all right.  Whatever Callous.”

Callie looked at me, clearly offended.  “Oh my gosh, do you guys really call me that?”

I shrugged.  “Well, lots of the servers do, Callie.  I’ve advised you before that you have to be careful how you talk to us.  You’re not the boss.”

“Well I’m just pointing out—”

Jon and I walked away from her as she was talking.  She had her nose in the computer, so she didn’t even notice.  “Crazy bitch.  If she talks to me like she did that one day last week again?  I’m going to jail.”  I laughed, but I was half-listening.  Jon must have noticed that I was looking in the direction on Merikris, because his jovial demeanor turned to a serious one.  “Just don’t fuck it up, man.”

“What?”

“Don’t.  Fuck.  It up.”  Jon plucked his index finger into my chest for emphasis.  “I’ve seen you around girls before.  Don’t go out there bouncing around like a little horny-ass spider monkey and shit.  Play it cool, and let her come to you.”

I put my palms together and bowed.  “Yes sensei.  I seek not to know the answers, but to understand the questions.”

“When you can snatch the snatch from my hand, you will be ready, Grasshopper.”

            I took his advice and backed off a bit, aside from shooting her an occasional smile.  I served their food, and brought them another round of drinks.  She ordered another beer—Chimay Blue this time.  I admire a woman that can enjoy a beer with me.  I took care of my other two tables and sent them on their way before returning to Merikris’s table.  I couldn’t believe that one of them left me ten dollars on a $140 tab.  Less than ten percent.  When are people going to realize that even numbers like five and ten dollars are not good universal tips?  Anyway, I could now give Merikris’s table my undivided attention.

            “So, where you guys headed after dinner?  Hittin’ the clubs?  Jason, are you going to the Iron Banana?”  Male strip club—always good for a laugh.  I loved how cool these people were.  I didn’t get to joke like this at every table. 

            “We’re going to Danse Macabre.”  Merikris said, clapping.  “Tonight’s 80s night!”

            “Noice.”  I strolled around behind her and put my hands on her shoulders.  First contact.  I softly sang,  “All I ever wanted…all I ever needed is heeere…in my arms…”

            “Oooh, I love Depeche Mode.”  She put her hands on mine (Yes!) and sang the next bar.  “Words are very…unnecessary…theyyy can only do harm.”  Her voice was like ice on a hot day.  I briefly made eye contact with Jason.  He raised his eyebrows and nodded toward Merikris as if to tell me “Go for it!”

            I knelt next to Merikris.  “Who doesn’t?  I love going to Danse Macabre.”

            “Why don’t you come along tonight?  When do you get off?” 

A small explosion in my stomach.  An invitation.  “You know, I’d love to…but being a waiter isn’t all glitz and glamour, as one might think.  I most likely will be here toiling away until around the time the clubs will close.  But I appreciate the invite.  Can I return the favor and invite you to a beer on a future date?”

She laughed.  “You can invite someone to a beer?”

“I’m not sure, but I’m gonna try my best!”

“Well, you’re cool and all, but—,” she reached her hand out to Jason and interlocked her fingers with his.  He then kissed her hand.

The explosion that was once in my stomach was now in my chest, and I think it was filled with napalm.  “Oooh really.”  I looked at Jason.  “Dude, man, I’m sorry.  I had no idea.”

“No problem, bro.  Hearty handshake?”  We shook.  “Round of applause for Dray, for being such a good sport.”  The table clapped and laughed, but now they were laughing at me.  It seems they played me from the start, and Merikris was in on it.

I smiled really big.  “Welp, here’s your bill.  I’m gonna go find a nice corner to crawl into and die.  But don’t worry; I’ll be resurrected in time to be your cashier.”  I laughed along with the joke, but inside I was on fire.  I had not attempted to even simply talk to a girl since Farah cheated on me and left me.  To get shot down in this particular fashion stung.

I got to the back wait and went to the area furthest from the dining room and yelled “fuck” about twelve times.  Victor poked his head out of the manager’s

office and promptly shut the door.  I stood at the entrance from the back wait to the dining room and cut Jon, who was at a table, in half with a stare.  Jon was schmoozing his table, who had obviously come in to eat after church.  “I just have to thank you guys for coming in.  I mean, it’s rare that I get to wait on some people of the faith!  I’ll be right back with that club soda and lime, and then we’ll talk about some gospel.”  This was amusing because I knew for a fact that the only thing Jon did on Sunday mornings was make trashcan omelets.

Jon came over.  “What’s your damage, man?  I think my table heard you.  And these are Jesus freaks, so you know they only tip the pure!”

“She wasn’t the odd one out!  You need to get your poonanny radar recalibrated!”

“Aw damn.”

“Yeah, aw damn!”

“Hey, don’t get up on me, muhfucker, I don’t care if you’re all heartbroken and shit, I’ll still put a boot in your ass!”

I couldn’t help but to laugh.  “You say the sweetest things to me, honey.”  I put my arm around him.

Jon shuddered visibly.  “Get off me with that gay shit.  Look man, fuck that bitch.  Go on out there, with your little blonde head held up high, and get that money.  You got a 20% grat, remember?”

“Yeah, you’re right.  Fuck that ho!  Bitches ain’t nothin’ but hos and tricks!”

“Whoa whoa whoa, calm down, Casper.  Just ‘cause you got a couple of rap cd’s don’t mean you’ve earned your degree in Black yet.”

“And how would I get that?”

“You will know when you don’t have to ask.  But to get started, you have to get with a girl from every nationality.  Too bad, you woulda had a great start with Suckee Suckee over there.”

“Rub it in…”  I walked out to the table just as they were leaving—not an accident.  I asked as a courtesy, “Don’t need any change?”  They shook their heads no.  “Well then take care, my friends.  Feel free to come back to see me again.  I may not be such a shade of red, but I’ll be just as charming.”

“Hey, yeah, we had a great time.”  Jason slapped me on the back.  “We’ll definitely be back.” 

“Can’t wait.”  I said, facetiously.

Merikris left the table last.  “Thanks again.  You were a really great server.”

“And you were a great servee.  Parting is such sweet sorrow.”

Merikris smiled.  “Here’s some extra on top of that grat.”  She shook my hand and left a bill in it.    

“Thank you very much.  Come back anytime.”  I could tell she was a waiter, or had been one at some point, by the way she mentioned the gratuity.  Not to mention it’s really rare to get a tip on top of a gratuity.  I waited until she was out of eyeshot to look.  “Huh, a twenty.”  I muttered to myself.  I put it in my waiter book and cleared the table.  Jon came to help me.

“Hey, sorry it didn’t work out, man.”

“Enh, it’s ok.  She left me a twenty overgrat.”

“No shit!  Maybe she liked you.”

“Maybe.”  I paused and remembered the soft touch of her hand.  “Psshh, it’s all good.  There will be others.  Fack ‘em!”

“Fack ‘em all day, every day, that’s what I’m talkin’ about baby boy!”  Jon low-fived me with a pull and a snap.

At the end of the night, I finished my sidework and reset my tables.  I was exhausted.  Sometimes it’s hard to keep that waiter face on, especially after what happened with Merikris.  My waiter persona is my own personality turned up to eleven, but tonight it was hard to hit even six or seven.  I couldn’t help but to think that I wasn’t ready to date, especially if I was taking Merikris’s rejection this hard.  I mean, she’s a stranger that came to eat in my restaurant, not a girl that I’ve been friends with for a while, or even someone that I met in a bar.  I’ll never see her again.  Like Jon says, I have to stop letting women rule and define my life. 

I sat down to count my tips, and could smell the mixture of aromas eminating from my shirt and hair.  I couldn’t wait to get home and shower the French onion and au jus bouquet off of me.  I had three rounds of tables plus that fat grat, so it should be a good night.  I unfolded the twenty that Merikris had given me, and it had a note inside that was written on a bev nap in red eyeliner.

“Dray, call me anytime on Mon – Merikris”

It had her phone number and a cute drawing of a cat.  I couldn’t believe it.  The explosion in my chest moved back down to my stomach.