LITR 3731: Creative Writing 2008
Student Poetry Submission

Alana Nesteruk

Revision Account

        I chose to write my poem about my dog, Baby, AKA “Booster.” She is my “child,” and when I knew I had to write a poem I thought it would be easiest to write about her. Every poem I have ever written I wrote in Ballad form so I wanted to try something new. Free verse appealed to me because I felt that I would be less restricted and have a chance to be more creative. Free verse was not what I grew up thinking poetry was supposed to be, so I was kind of excited about the undertaking.

        When I wrote this poem I simply started writing down how I felt about my dog. Now that I look back I feel like it’s almost negative, however, I like that it illustrates the attention that animals demand.

        I had two people do draft exchanges for me. One was my Fiancé, Preston, and the other was Kim Davis, from our class. Here are Preston’s suggestions:

        Note: everything suggestion that is highlighted is one that I incorporated in my poem.

            1. Change the word “Booster” to “Doggie.” What and who is Booster? And what kind of name is that for a dog?

2. Change “All clean” to something longer. It agrees more with the line lengths. Perhaps “All clean and pretty now!”

3. I like the special treatment of the “WAGS” in the second stanza, but I would like to see repetition in the 3^rd.

4. “Now you’ve got your toy!” sounds like a “satisfied” statement. But in your reading, you sounded exasperated. Perhaps a question mark would cue the emotion.

5. There is an overuse of the exclamation point in the 3^rd stanza. Possibly replace the punctuation in the 3^rd line with ellipses.

6. I feel like there is too much all-capitalization. It comes across as a bit harsh or uninviting to the reader. Possibly compromise and find a different method of emphasis. Bolds and italics are often a good choice. Even underlining can be effective at times.

7. The first line, although it does set up the poem rather well, seems choppy and disconnected. If it were re-worked just a bit to give a better flow and a more consistent tone, it could be more effective.

8. The ending is tied together well with the beginning, but it is very abrupt and seems to drop the reader off suddenly. It is also the shortest stanza by far.

9. In the 3^rd stanza, you say “toy” in the 2^nd line and “ball” in the 5^th. Be more consistent.

10. The last line of the 4^th stanza, “PEE PEE” just looks strange. Perhaps a different wording or an additional line to “enclose” it within the stanza could be effective.

The title is very interesting and contrasts well with the piece. I think it was a good choice.

Love you,

 – Preston

Here are Kim’s suggestions:

        Alana, I really, really like your poem! I know how much you love your dog, and this poem really suits you. I like the use of the type setting “WAG                 “WAG

                                                                                                      “WAG”

and I think you need to follow through the second time. I almost see the dog’s backside shaking his whole body, and the tail slapping against something. I like the capital words for effect/emphasis. I do think you need to be selective where you use it because if it is used everywhere it almost looks like you keep yelling at your dog. “OK” is repeated in each stanza, and I think it works as long as it is only once, but you might want to try alternatives such as, all right, sure, certainly, indefinitely, positively, absolutely, etc.

Did you purposely spell it OK? Could it be spelled Okay?

What is a “DINGO” bone? Does it need to be capitalized?

The stanza, “In and out, in and out,

                   When will you decide”?

Is alone at the end. Could you separate it at the beginning?

What about, “in and out…in and out…

In the first stanza you repeat “me” maybe you can use “up”, for example, “Don’t jump up”

The line “Lets go PEE PEE” maybe you could use the word “Potty”

In the second to last stanza, “Oh. OUTSIDE?” maybe you could use, “to go” instead of “Oh”

In the fist stanza maybe the second “What?” could be changed to “huh?”

On the line, “Muddy paws again!” maybe you can use a question mark.

On the line, “OK. All clean”. Maybe you can put a comma after OK.

On the line, “SIT. SIT I SAID.” Maybe you could do, “SIT! SIT, I SAID!”

Maybe the line, “GULP! It’s gone” should go under “A DINGO bone for you!”

On the line, “UGH. I want to relax!” maybe you could do, “UGH! I want to relax;”

 

Sounds exhaustive- gives a good depiction of the attention animals need-that they are like children. -KIM

 

 

        Well! I was glad they both had so many suggestions. It also made me feel good that a lot of their suggestions were the same. If both people thought it needed changing, than it must have. For instance, they both did not like “PEE PEE” but I put that in because that is what I say. I agree that it looks weird but I am so used to saying it I didn’t notice. They both thought DINGO bone was confusing. Preston knows what a Dingo bone is but he figured no one else would and I guess he was right! He also didn’t like “Booster” because he thought that people might not know that was the dog’s name but Kim understood it perfectly so I left it.

 

They both thought I needed to “follow through” on the “WAG” “WAG” type setting. The reason I didn’t do them the same was because I thought the zigzag of the first set made it seem like the dog’s tail was wagging slower than the second time. I talked to Kim about this and she suggested that I make them smaller and closer together to illustrate speed and I think it was effective. I used many of Kim’s suggestions. I appreciated that she took the time to give me such thought out advice. I really liked Preston’s 4^th suggestion. Kim suggested that I fix certain words that were repeated but I liked the repetition so I did not make the change. Once I had changed the punctuation from an exclamation mark to a question mark the line and my point became clearer. I disregarded Preston’s 9^th suggestion because a “toy” and a “ball” are two different things at my house. When I said ball I wanted the reader to think of a ball and playing fetch and when I said toy I wanted the reader to think of something like a stuffed dog toy that your dog brings up to you and sits on your lap. I used their advice about ellipsis. They both said I had too much capitalization, and I think they were right so I fixed that. And I did the G U L P! On my own later because I thought it looked like my dog was gulping down her treat!

I definitely think my revised draft is better thanks to the help of Kim and Preston! It really helps to let someone else look at your work because some things need a new set of eyes.

 

My first draft:

 

Insatiable Canine

 

In and out, in and out

When will you decide?

Ok, in.

What?

Muddy paws again!

No. No. Noooo!

Don’t jump on me,

Get off, BAD DOG!

What?
 Oh, now there’s mud on me!

 

Give me your paws

You little monster

SIT. SIT I SAID.

 Ok. All clean.

Does Booster want a treat?

WAG!              WAG!

WAG!               WAG!

A DINGO bone for you!

 

GULP! It’s gone.

Now you’ve got your toy!

UGH. I want to relax!

I’d like to read my book!

Oh, OK. I throw your ball.

WAG! WAG! WAG! WAG!

 

Now what do you want?

Oh. OUTSIDE?

Oh, OK.

Lets go PEE PEE

 

In and out, In and out

When will you decide?