LITR 3731: Creative Writing 2006
Student Poetry Submission
Demra Trube
A House
(Final Version)
A tiny house looks out over the sea.
A tiny house with
many corners,
many silences,
many memories.
Day in, day out.
The waves roll in,
the waves roll out,
patiently waiting ...
Out of the tiny house,
a woman comes out to the shoreline.
Perpetually standing by the sea,
she heard what it had to promise.
No more house.
No more corners.
No more silences.
No more memories.
The woman goes back into
the tiny house with
many corners,
many silences,
many memories.
Day in, day out.
The waves roll in,
the waves roll out,
patiently waiting ...
One day, a woman comes out to the shoreline,
listening to the sea’s voice.
Choosing what it promised,
she walked forward with
a view to nothing but blue waves.
Perpetually she never returns.
For sale:
A tiny house that looks out over the sea.
The family that has always
wanted the house by the sea
moves in.
The sea is a wonderful place
to relax and take your mind off your troubles ...
Day in, day out.
The waves roll in,
the waves roll out,
patiently waiting ...
A House
(Original Version)
A tiny house looks out over the sea.
A tiny house with many rooms,
many corners,
many silences,
many memories.
Day in, day out.
The sea comes in,
the sea goes out,
patiently waiting ...
Out of the tiny house,
a woman comes out to the shoreline.
Perpetually listening to the sea’s voice.
The sea has no limits.
The woman goes back into
the tiny house with many rooms,
many corners,
many silences,
many memories.
Day in, day out.
The sea comes in,
the sea goes out,
patiently waiting ...
One day, a woman comes out to the shoreline,
listening to the sea’s voice.
Perpetually she never returns.
For sale:
A tiny house that looks out over the sea.
The family that has always wanted the house by the sea.
The sea is a wonderful place for children to play ...
Day in, day out.
The sea comes in,
the sea goes out,
patiently waiting ...
Revision Account
I asked Sheila Rhodes from class and my mom to read my poem.
In her e-mail, Sheila wrote:
“Hi Demra, sorry it has taken me so long to respond to your poem. Well all I can say is ....wow! This is a well thought out and well written poem. When you said that you were a bit of a perfectionist, I guess you weren't kidding. I loved the poem and can't help but to ask how many hours you put into this? There is no rhyme, the free verse lines are presented well and so are the stanzas. This poem actually tells a story and the references to the sea and shoreline are so real and vivid I can actually imagine the sea rolling back and forth to the shoreline. This is really good work and so different from all of the other poems read in class that dealt with suicide and death. This one is actually relaxing and gives a feel of life. Good work. - Sheila”
Sheila also sent me some questions in the same e-mail. Here are her questions and my answers:
1. Is this poem written about someone you know?
No. I wanted to explore the concept of someone living alone in an isolated environment.
2. The lady at the house, does she move or did she pass away? I'm just curious.
She passed away by drowning herself in the sea outside her house.
3. You keep referring to the house as being tiny with many rooms. If the house is tiny, how many rooms are we talking about?
I was trying to convey the feeling that the lady lived in a small house, but it seemed larger/smothering because of her memories. I eventually took out the part about the rooms. I thought it really didn’t make sense.
4. Was this written for the class, or was it something that was in your journal?
I wrote this for the class.
5. How did you come up with the stanzas or format for this poem?
I was trying to use the stanzas to imitate the waves rolling up on the shore. I was also trying to give the reader a sense of passage of indefinite time.
My mom said she thought my poem was good. She wasn’t sure that perpetually was the best word for me to use in the third stanza (Standing by the sea,/she perpetually heard what it had to promise.). Even though she said it wasn’t the right word I kept it in the poem. She thought something was missing but didn’t know what.
In the third stanza, I decided to change,
“Standing by the sea,
she perpetually heard what it had to promise.”
to
“Perpetually standing by the sea,
she heard what it had to promise.”
My mom also didn’t like the second to last stanza of the original, when the new family moved in.
Originally, the second to last stanza read:
For sale:
A tiny house that looks out over the sea.
The family that has always wanted the house by the sea.
The sea is a wonderful place for children to play ...
Then, I changed it to,
“For sale:
A tiny house that looks out over the sea.
The family that has always
wanted the house by the sea
moves in.
The sea is a wonderful place
to relax and take your mind off your troubles ...”
I think the final version of this stanza fits better with the poem.
I changed the third to last stanza to better explain what happened to the lady. Sheila had asked what happened to her because she wasn’t sure what happened. Sheila asked if the lady moved away or passed away. After I changed it, my mom also understood what happened to her. My mom thought the lady thought a hurricane was coming and left for safety.
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