LITR 3731: Creative Writing 2006
Student Poetry Submission

Heather Meza

My Last Five Minutes

I’m not a morning person; his blow caught me off guard.

Abruptly knocked me off my feet—caused me to fall

What happened when I hit my head—I really can’t explain.

I tried to walk, I tried to talk, I just didn’t feel the same.

Having trouble breathing, I couldn’t catch my breath.

The pictures moving in my head could only mean one thing.

I saw my baby daughter who turned one just three weeks ago,

I vowed to never leave her, to endure this world alone.

I saw my precious son, not even one year yet,

 Now my wife is at home pregnant with five more months to go,

I fear this is a baby that I will never know.

I rode my bike into the lake when I was just thirteen.

I remember a beach covered in starfish.

My sister and my mother walk with me to the pond.

We heard the frogs hop out of reach the closer that we came.

Flakes of snow are falling, consume the ground with white

Daddy made a snowman what a rare Southern sight.

 Now I see a little boy, reverently on his knees.

He gives his heart to Jesus, Oh God that looks like me!

Lightening bolts surround me and a rainbow lights the path

Jesus comes to rescue me from this disastrous day.

It was almost as hard to revise this poem as it was to write it but as I said in class I just felt that it was still very high school.  I wanted to write something widely relatable so I thought maybe I had made it to personally detailed.   The feedback from the class focused more on the grammatical inconsistencies which I hope I have caught most of.  I have altered many lines and cut some altogether to avoid the “sing songie” nature of the first draft.  I have chosen the keep a few direct rhymes and some of the slant rhymes as well just to keep it interesting and satisfy my innate need to rhyme (Darn the High School English).   

I added one new line to begin the retrospective part and worked to clarify the grammar and keep each stanza in a specific tense as well as transition between tenses as I imagine one may do while losing consciousness and life.  

(original version)

I’m not a morning person, so his blow caught me off guard.

Abruptly knocked me off my feet—caused me to fall hard.

Something happened when I hit my head—I really can’t explain.

I tried to walk, tried to talk, but I didn’t feel the same.

I could hear him taunting me—to get up off the ground.

I wanted to defend myself— but I couldn’t make a sound.

Then I managed to let out just one small little cry

He said, “Don’t be a baby— You act like you’re gonna die!”

Having trouble breathing, I couldn’t catch my breath.

Just for a short millisecond, I thought about my death.

I saw my baby daughter who turned one just three weeks ago,

I vowed to never leave her, to endure this world alone.

I saw my precious son, not even one year yet,

The day he was born I never will forget.

My wife is at home pregnant with five more months to go,

I fear this is a baby that I will never know.

Skateboarding back in time such joy, I could sing.

Riding bicycles into the lake—at about thirteen.

My cousin and I play every summer growing up,

We were talking just last week, you know, just “catching up.”

A birthday cake all ablaze with nine candles—I make a wish.

A foamy tide turns out—tens, maybe hundreds of starfish -

My sister and my mother walk with me to the pond.

We hear the frogs hop out of reach—the closer that we come.

White flakes of snow are falling, consume the ground with white

Daddy makes a snowman and it’s really quite a sight.

I see a little boy, reverently on his knees.

He gives his heart to Jesus, Oh God that looks like me!

Lightening bolts surround me and a rainbow lights the way—

Jesus comes to rescue me from this disastrous day.