LITR 3731: Creative Writing 2006
Student Poetry Submission

Melissa Jones

Final Thoughts of the Day

Another day descends into the past

Another outfit worn and into the laundry cast

Swimming through my mind are thoughts and fears

Thoughts of tomorrow’s trials and fears of what they’ll bear

Soon there will be trials of many different kinds:

Of school, of life, of strength of mind

Will I get by on what I know now?

Or will something help prepare me – and if so, how?

Each day I wake, blindly following a routine

That seems so simple, but how do I break free?

Am I to someday make a great contribution?

Or am I to mold other lives from an institution?

One day I’ll fulfill the plan God has for me

Until then I’ll prepare for who I am to be

So goodnight world, as you drift off in slumber,

Then rise tomorrow for another day of wonder…

My Comments:

I wrote this poem one night while I was sitting out on my balcony and thinking about what I had to do the next day.  My thoughts just wandered to my future and everything that I will be going through in the next year.  It was first a journal entry, but then I broke up the lines so that it became poetry.  I’m still not completely happy with the poem above, and will continue to work on it when I have the time.  But because of the time constraints, I have to send what I have now.

Since neither of my draft exchanges liked my title, I have changed it – once again.  This time it is a combination of both titles.  The first stanza didn’t really get many comments other than praise, so I haven’t changed it much except for the final line.  I wanted to do a slant rhyme so that it didn’t become sing-songy from the very beginning.  I tried making this an unrhymed poem, but those never jive well with me.  I suppose I’ll have to work my way up to it…

In the 2^nd stanza, I changed up the second line so that it became a list of trials that I was to go through.  I kept the repetition of the word “of” even though Heidi questioned it because I think it places emphasis on the line. 

I thought about omitting the 3^rd stanza, but since I ended up omitting the 4^th stanza, I was afraid the poem would have been too short.  I’m still not happy with the 2^nd line of the 3^rd stanza!  I took out the 4^th stanza because both of my draft exchange people commented on its weakness.  I kept trying to make it stronger, but I felt the poem was fine without it altogether.

In the 4^th stanza, I decided to keep the word “institution.”  If I do end up teaching, I’m not sure if it will be in a public school, a college/university, a hospital, or where.  Personally, I think that institution just sums up all of the possibilities.  I did end up taking out the word “plan” as Heidi suggested because it wasn’t necessary. 

In the final stanza, I did change the wording of the first line.  I’m still not sure it’s a strong enough ending, but it will do for now.

Second Draft Exchange Comments: The second person I sent my poem to was Heidi Gerke.  She said:

This is a good poem.  The lines are pretty and some are very well worked.  My only worry is that you’re not strong enough on your topic.  In the 4^th and 5^th stanzas you tough on your feelings vaguely, but I understand because this is a controversial topic. 

Heidi also commented on the title, that it was “nice but I almost get the impression that you’re dying.”  She loved the imagery and visual in the first stanza, and liked slant rhymes that I inserted every so often.  Heidi commented on the repetition of the word “of” in the 2^nd stanza, and asked if it was intentional.  She also suggested that I omit the word plan in the 4^th line of the 4^th stanza because it sounded redundant.  Heidi suggested that I also do something with the word “institution”  because she wasn’t sure it was applicable/what I meant.  In the final stanza, Heidi asked “Does this word (bother) really convey the strength of this statement?”  Finally, Heidi commented on my use of stanzas, saying that she liked the way they were broken up into 4, 4, 2, 4, 4, 2.

First Revision:

Final Thoughts

Another day descends into the past

Another outfit worn and into the laundry cast

Swimming through my mind are thoughts and fears

Thoughts of tomorrow’s trials and fears of what they’ll bear

Soon there will be tests of many different kinds

Of school and of life and of strength of mind

Will I get by on what I know now?

Or will something help prepare me – and if so, how?

Each day I wake, blindly following a routine

That seems so simple, but what does it mean?

If life has no meaning then why are we here

We were put here for a reason – we didn’t just appear

God has put us here and he does have a plan

What my plan is, I don’t undersant

Am I to someday make a great contribution

Or am I to mold other lives from an institution

One day I’ll fulfill the plan God has for me

Until then I’ll prepare for who I am to be

So goodnight world, may we rest without bother

And rise tomorrow for another day of wonder.

First Draft Exchange Comments: The first person I sent my poem to was Joceline (a friend who is not in our class).  She’s an avid reader of poetry, so I figured she would have some ideas about what could make my poem “better.”  She suggested that I break up he poem into stanzas – maybe 4 lines, 4 lines, 2 lines, 4 lines, 4 lines, and 2 lines.  She also suggested that I take out/change the 11^th – 14^th lines because they didn’t seem to mesh well with the rest of the poem.  “If you want to include those lines, then try to mention God or religion elsewhere in the poem.  As it is now, it seems as though you are flipping on the “God” switch for a small section, and not doing a whole lot with it.”  Another thing Joceline suggested was that I change my title – she didn’t say how, just that she didn’t care for it because it was too “blah.”

I was a little concerned that the poem sounded sing-songy, and she agreed that at times it did sound that way, but what I could do is change up some of the words so that each couplet didn’t rhyme exactly – have a few slant rhymes.

Original Poem:

At the End of the Day

Another day descends into the past,

Another outfit worn and into the laundry is cast

Swimming through my mind are thoughts and fears,

Thoughts of today and tomorrow, and fears of what is near

Soon there will be tests of many different kinds,

Tests of school and of life and of strength of mind.

Will I get by on what I know now,

Or will something help prepare me – and if so, how?

Each day I wake up and go through my routine

It seems so simple, but what does it mean?

If life has no meaning then why are we here?

We wee put here for something – we didn’t just appear.

God has put us here and he does have a plan,

But what my plan is, I don’t understand

Am I to someday make a great contribution,

Or am I to mold others from an institution?

One day I’ll fulfill the plan God has for me,

But until then I’ll prepare for who I am to be.

So goodnight world, may we sleep without bother,

And rise tomorrow for another day of wonder.