LITR 3731: Creative Writing 2006
Student Poetry Submission
Keely Flom
Dark Day
(final version)
Rain beats down like tears
the spew of bloodshot eyes.
Trying to figure out why
It was his choice to die.
This dark day that was chosen
for us to remember him,
looking back,
with thoughts and wondering,
If he knew what would happen to us
would he still have said goodbye?
With all of our fury,
for his morbid decision.
With all of our anger,
and no way to let go.
As the storm subsides,
and pounding rain turns to mist.
The only thing left to do
is remember him,
and let the tear drops flow.
Original Version
Dark Day
Rain beats down like tears
The spew of bloodshot eyes.
Trying to figure out why
It was his choice to die.
This dark day that was chosen
for us to remember him,
looking back,
was made so much more grim
with thoughts and wondering,
If he knew the future
would he still have said goodbye?
With all of our fury,
for his bleak decision.
With all of our anger,
and no way to let go.
We can only remember him,
and let the tear drops flow.
Writing and Revising Process
As many of you already know from my presentation in class, I wrote this poem in one of Dr. Gorman’s classes. It at first was a challenge for me to write a poem in iambic tetrameter and the very first poem I wrote did just that. I kept going over the poem and did not like the structure, so I decided that I did not want to stay with in the parameters that I had set for myself. It just did not suit the way I wanted to read the poem and the effect I would have liked it to have had. So I changed it to a free verse poem and decided to break up my lines a little bit.
The version I shared in class was not the same version I had initially thought I would share. I had revised the poem two or three times before I shared it with Ron, who lead the discussion. I was actually pretty amazed when I shared it with the class because of how much I had to explain. I first shared this poem with my mom, who immediately knew who it was about and could relate to the content. Initially I did not think this poem would turn out to be as dark as it had. I also did not intend for this poem to be universal, I wrote it for the people who knew Joey or for people who had dealt with suicide. But after sharing it with the class I knew that I needed to do some more revising of the poem.
The first four line stanza was okay with me, it had the effect that I was looking for and was well accepted by the class. The next stanza was a little too jumbled. I ended up removing a whole line and then revising the question at the end. I revised the question because the class told me that they did not understand what the question was for and now I think that it makes more since. The next four line stanza needed some tweaking too. I replaced the word “bleak” to “morbid” which I think gives more meaning to the title dark day. Finally in the last stanza I took a chance on the class and added the line “As the storm subsides, and pounding rain turns to mist” to bring the imagery of storms down the poem. I really think that it works well that way.
I like the way my poem turned out. I think that it is more universal, meaning it could be read by other people who have never dealt with suicide and they would get what the poem was about or even apply it to another situation. I would like to thank the class and Dr. White for letting me share this poem. It was hard in the beginning to not take criticism personally because this poem bares some of the real emotion that I feel about my friends death, but the longer we discussed the more I felt that it was okay to listen and take what they say as purely constructive criticism and I appreciate that.
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