LITR 3731: Creative Writing 2006
Student Poetry Submission
Neelam Damani
Absalom’s Lament
Arrested by shadows like shackles unseen,
I’m suffocating in these leaden walls.
Everything moves, mocks, flees,
While I frozen,
Burn under the scorching sun.
Melt – Absalom – under the scorching sun!
Melt – in this heat of shame!
Melt – by the lamenting flame of your unforgiving heart!
I roar in pain
As the Beloved only watches, cries.
Like water
Guilt stealthily seeped
Into cracks of my being
Froze
Like stone
CUT
With blades of Ice
Will this stone smash?
Will this water waste?
And release – me – from myself?
Or will I freeze – forever shackled,
In
these leaden walls?
A bolt of lightning as the Door releases, opens.
CRACK!
(Presentation draft)
Swan
Song
Arrested by shadows like shackles unseen,
I’m suffocating in these leaden walls.
Everything moves, mocks, flees,
While I – a frozen creek,
Burn under the scorching sun.
Melt – Melt – under the scorching sun!
Melt – in this heat of shame!
Melt – by the mocking flame of a burning heart!
“Nevermore,” comes the reply,
As I wince in pain from a fresh wound.
Like water
It stealthily seeped
Into cracks of my being
Froze
Like stone
CUT
With blades of Ice
Will this stone smash?
Will this water waste?
And release – me – from myself?
Or will release come with only Life
In
these leaden walls?
A blot of lightning as I open the Door.
Crack!
** Swan Song -- the
last act or manifestation of someone or something; farewell appearance.
Reference from an ancient belief that the Mute Swan is completely silent during
its lifespan, but may sing one heartbreaking song at its dying hour.
Revision Account
I just knew – since that first day of class when the poem was first assigned. I just knew that my subject would be Absalom, a character from Cry the Beloved Country by Alan Paton. I did not know exactly what I had to say about Absalom; I just knew that I had a lot to say. I recently reread this novel and the characters, especially Absalom, has stuck in my mind ever since. I am horrified by his villainous deeds, and appalled by his lack of remorse. I am not angry though, just sad – mainly because I know people like him – at school, in my neighborhood, at church. Everywhere I see faces like his which so easily succumb to peer pressure and make not only their own life, but others’ lives around them a living hell. How can someone hurt another and not feel remorse? Not even a trace of guilt?
This is where I felt that I had to write something for these individuals. I think a day will come when they feel trapped within their own minds – the day when they realize what they have done. I tried to imagine these emotions of being trapped inside the walls – the leaden walls – of one’s own mind from which no escape is possible. It is suffocating, mocking, scorching. I think I struggled with the concept of guilt for some time though. I don’t think guilt is something definite that hits you suddenly; I think it’s much like a feeling which slowly creeps inside of you, and does not let go. In fact, it is almost like it deepens, and strengthens its hold inside. Why does it not let go? Is there a release? How does guilt ever go away?
Since my poem was specifically about a character from a book, I did not want to make my poem too specific, fearing that readers wouldn’t be able to relate to it. Also, I enjoy reading poetry that is provocative and enigmatic. Something so complex that each reading is like peeling a layer to get to the core. Something which can be interpreted differently by different people. Something full of images – that I can see, feel, hear and touch. Since I enjoy deciphering other poets’ works, I decided to send my readers on a similar mission. I realized as I wrote the poem that many readers may become frustrated, and find the work too gothic or too painful to overcome. And I am okay with that.
But what would my classmates think about it? Will they be able to make any meaning out of it – independently, without my explanations? Will my poem stand alone? My anxieties were relieved when my classmates responded with positive feedback. In fact, some immediately understood my subject – “someone prisoner inside his own mind.” Others replied with responses such as: “prisoner of abuse,” “patient with a terminal illness,” “someone inside a coffin.” They commented that the poem was mysterious and even lacked logic but provided a mystical experience with jarring, concrete imagery. I was on cloud nine!
Classmates also provided fresh, new perspectives, in areas where I was struggling and others which I had overlooked. Below are some suggestions offered by the class and how I incorporated these into my revision:
- The image of the creek being frozen bothered some classmates, as it had bothered me. A great suggestion was to take “creek” out altogether. I followed the advice and it worked!
· While I frozen,
Burn under the scorching sun
- I had not realized that I inserted “nevermore” in the poem – a hallmark of Edgar Allen Poe. Classmates suggested that it sounded cliché and someone said that “it pales to the other imagery.” Point taken. I removed the phrase.
- Wince is a weak word, some commented. I had purposefully chosen that word, for just that reason. But classmates felt that if I started out with gothic and dark imagery, I should continue with it. Suggestions included “wince,” “wail,” “writhe,” and “agonize.” All were great, but I ended up using “roar” since it meshed well with the “cries” I use in the next line.
· I roar in pain
As the Beloved only watches, cries.
- Some were confused about what exactly was seeping in like water; It was guilt, but many didn’t catch this. A suggestion, which I used, was to say “Guilt stealthily seeped” instead of “It stealthily seeped.” However, I am not sure about this change.
- During my reading, I read “seeped” as “creeped” and classmates suggested keeping “creeped.” But later I checked in the dictionary and “creeped” is not a word. And, I think “crept” changes my meaning. “Seeped” stays!
- Release coming with “Life” was difficult for many to understand. Suggestions included saying something like: “Will life keep me prisoner in these leaden walls?” I liked the meaning behind this. So I have kept this suggestion – only reworded the sentence to read:
· “Or will I freeze – forever shackled.”
- Bolt of lightning and the opening of the door was also a difficult imagery for some. I saw that as being a sort of release for the narrator, but they didn’t. Here is the revision:
· “A bolt of lightning as the Door releases, opens.”
- After hearing the origin of the poem, classmates suggested: “Would you consider putting Absalom’s name in the poem somewhere? It’s a neat name that could bring even more density, without your readers needing to know who he is.” I really liked this suggestion. Here is how I incorporated the novel into the poem:
- Changed title to “Absalom’s Lament” (Swam Song was a good title but didn’t tell much about my subject. Too much mystery is not good either)
- In one of the sentences, added Absalom’s name: “Melt – Absalom – under the scorching sun!”
- Added line: “I roar in pain/ As the Beloved only watches, cries.” This, I thought, could be read as God only watches and cries. I think when some people are severely depressed, they think that even God is only watching – crying but only watching and observing, not helping. (To me, the Door in the end is a release that comes through God).
- CRACK – all caps. Done.
- Lastly, the 3 lines still difficult for me are the “Melt” series. Suggestions were that I should somehow tell what is being melted and what is causing it to melt. My revision:
· Melt – Absalom – under the scorching sun!
Melt – in the heat of humiliating shame!
Melt – by the lamenting flame of your unforgiving heart!
Plans for revision:
I think I am satisfied with this version, for now. From experience I know that if I put the poem aside and return after some time, I will notice more changes. So basically this is a compromised draft, still in progress. I think the primary strength is the strong imagery, but I am afraid some of it might still be confusing to readers. I have never published before I think I might take a chance with submitting this poem. Not sure where I will submit, but will certainly research and look into possibilities. Overall, writing a poem was truly an experience and one that I hope to repeat again.
|
|
|
|
