LITR 3731: Creative Writing 2006
Student Poetry Submission

Joe Cuellar

Would You …?

(Final version Rev 5, 2006)

Would you meet me anytime of day?

You’re probably too busy anyway

Would you kiss me after that first date?

You’d probably say “it’s getting late”

Would you share your dreams with me?

I would make them a reality

Would you trust me with your fear?

I would make it disappear

Would you really leave him tomorrow?

No, you’d never create so much sorrow

Would you actually let me leave her?

No, you’d never do that to another

Would you…?

No, I don’t believe you would

Revision Account

The above poem is my final revision for submission and it has morphed quite a bit since I initially began the concept several years ago.  You will note that it is listed as “Rev 5, 2006”.  This is because this is the 5^th time I have gone back and revised this poem this year alone.  The concept itself is a little over two years old.  It was an easy concept (or so I thought), two people find themselves in a situation where they interact quite a bit.  Neither one of them speaks of attraction because they are both aware of each other’s “situations”.  Neither one pushes away, but then again, they don’t pull back either.  Nothing ever happens between the two in the sense of physical intimacy, but they both sense that an emotional intimacy is building.  Instead of allowing for any possible scenarios, they just walk away.  This was an attempt to gather in some form the questions of what “would you” do it if things were different.

I sent JT, Karen and Neelam a copy of my 3d revision of 2006 (which can be found further in the text).

JT printed the poem out and gave me hand-written notes.  I appreciated his comments on the rhythm that I had in the first two stanzas.  He observed that I should attempt to keep the rhyming scheme in the other stanzas.  JT also proposed an invaluable line edit that worked quite well:

(original)                Would you let me kiss you after just one date?

(JT’s suggestion)      Would you kiss me after just one date?

The line did flow much easier with the edit.  JT also commented on the “question/intent set up” (his words).  He did say he liked it.

Karen also commented on the title along with the style, she said:

*I like the title.  *The form works well.  *Opening questions rather than statements really create a sound of sadness and uncertainty that works. 

Karen went on to further define her observations of the style:

comments […] are based on the changing tone which you successfully accomplished with italics, stanza, and conversational style.

This was good and I was glad that she appreciated the form—that was actually intentional.

Neelam wrote on the content and the rhythm:

My initial reaction – very touching and a nice beat and rhythm. […]. I think even if you had not explained, I still would have understood – and that’s a superb quality about the poem. The reader should not have to wait for an explanation – the poem should be able to stand alone – and your poem does

Neelam also added a wonderful suggestion that I, unfortunately, did not use:

I think the pattern can take a turn here – it gets just a bit monotonous if you keep it the same throughout – how about below you phrase all your would you’s together? Like:

Would you share your dreams with me?

Would you trust me with your fears?

Or Would you get tired of me?

And wish we’d never met

That idea of doing away with the monotony is a valid observation.  I tinkered with it for a while, but the main reason that I did not use it is due to some comments that were common to all three reviewers.

One item that JT, Karen and Neelam all individually pointed out was the confusion that last stanza brought about.  JT wrote, “I wonder, diff from what?  [I]s there some unstated reason that you know this won’t work out?”  Neelam wrote:

This “Would You” doesn’t link with the last statement – the last statement is asking if she will get tired of you – and then this statement says “Would You?” Makes me think as if you are asking if she will get tired of you – not whether she will do all the other things you list above

Karen pointed out:

16:  all hope is gone.

All three brought out not only very good interpretations of the body of the poem, but also raised this question at the end.  I read through the poem objectively with all their comments in hand and I realized that my intent and direction was not clear.  This is why I decided to make revisions and submit the final poem that leads this revision history.  I actually do not like this version as much.  I think it is a bit more negative than previous versions.  I do feel that it works better phonetically and grammatically.  In this case, I felt that it is better to submit a structurally sound piece than to succumb to the temptation of submitting something because “I like it better.”

UPDATED 10-04.  I sent rev 4 to the three folks who were kind enough to originally review my poem before I actually posted a submission and got some interesting replies.  It looks like this time the picture is clearer, but the concern that I listed about the poem being too negative surfaced.  JT commented on the “illicit affair”.  Even though he said he liked it and that I should “read it out loud…make sure…rhythms are working”, the thing that struck me was the word “illicit”.  This word is so negative by definition (“not permitted: UNLAWFUL”, per Webster’s New Collegiate Dictionary, 1975 edition) that I actually kept thinking about it.  I was not going for some kind of forbidden-Romeo and Juliet feel; I wanted to capture the playfulness daydreaming—asking questions that you already know the answers to.  Fortunately, Karen came to the rescue.  She wrote:

[…] put them [the lines] in a more progressively intimate order.  […] some of the answers sound more like the guy knows her so well that he knows her answers, […] (sounds v. protective.)  […] make all the answer lines sound protective

This is what I was looking for.  I rearranged the stanzas and chose some different words.  I wanted to make sure the reader does not come away with the idea that there is a “bad guy” in this poem.  I believe that it works better now (at least I think so, but then again—I’m taking the class, not teaching it; so what do I know?).

(My notes—this is the version that was revised after input from reviewers—2006, rev 4.  Notice how it does appear a bit more hostile)

Would You…?

Would you join me sometime for dinner?

I won’t let you become a sinner

Would you kiss me after just one date?

Or will that, too, have to wait

Would you say “Hello” in the middle of the day?

Or just keep walking your separate way

Would you struggle with that choice?

I believe I hear it in your voice

Would you share your dreams with me?

While we shatter their reality

Would you trust me with your fear?

While our real lives disappear

Would you leave him tomorrow?

There could be so much sorrow

Would you really let me leave her?

And know that they’d call you “whore”

Would you…?

No, I don’t believe you would

(My notes—this is the version that was originally submitted for review—2006, rev 3)

Would You…?

Would you join me for a get-away?

Somewhere far from all the noise

Would you tell me all about your day?

So I can listen to your voice

Would you let me kiss you after just one date?

Or will a handshake have to do

Would you let me call you really late?

Just to say “Hello”

Would you share your dreams with me?

So I can make them all come true

Would you trust me with your fears?

So I can make them disappear

Would you get tired of me?

And wish we’d never met

If only things were different,

Would You…?

 (My notes—this is probably the earliest version I have in electronic format)

Would You…?

Would you let me take you out to dinner?

And hold the door for you

Would you let me take you to a comedy?

So I could hear you laugh

Would you let me take you to a sad movie?

So I could dry your eyes

Would you tell me about your day?

So I could listen to your voice

Would you let me kiss you after just one date?

Or would you make me wait

Would you let me hold you when you’re tired?

So I could feel your heartbeat

Would you let me caress your hand?

And comfort you when something isn’t right

Would you always smile at me?

From across a crowded room

Would you let me run my fingers through your hair?

While we’re waiting in a line

Would you share your dreams with me?

So I could make them all come true

Would you trust me with your fears?

So I could make them go away

Would you go to a ball game with me?

Even though it’s not your thing

Would you spend your birthday with me?

And accept the gift I give you

Would you let me call you really late?

Just to say “Hello”

Would you get tired of me?

Many regret what they could have done

Others live with what they should have done

I only have dreams of what I would have done

Sometimes I wish I knew

If things were different,

Would You…?