LITR 3731: Creative Writing 2006
Student Poetry Submission
Charity English
Nature’s
Monody
(Final
Version)
His
leathered skin, weathered by the sun and time,
Measures
sorrows not easily forgotten.
The
voice of White Cloud, a weeping river cane flute,
Echoes
among the despoiled Carolina valleys.
A
furrowed path beaten down with each weary footstep,
Trudged
by every wailing heart passing,
Even
now refuses peace – reminds –
Haunts those who forged this trail of tears.
Hills
once scattered with rambling bison and Cherokee
Now
shield nothing under their repining shadows,
As
the wind weaves sad songs in and out of
the amber-coated boughs of the Sweetgum tree.
Breathing an elegy for White Cloud’s tribe slain
To
the idols of gold, land and tainted doctrine of civil
men.
Revision Account
Reason for writing
this poem - I chose this topic partially because I
was raised in Cleveland, TN, just 3 hours from Cherokee, NC (a beautiful Indian
reservation in the Smoky Mountains). I am one-eighth Cherokee, as is practically
everyone in my hometown, and not until I took a Basic Texts course about
non-Western culture did I really understand what the Native Americans must have
experienced when being forced from their land. The lessons we learn at
Thanksgiving in grammar school do no justice to the true facts of our history.
Over the summer, I read Black Elk Speaks, about a Lakota Indian, and his
story really helped me realize how much I’ve overlooked the emotion behind the
history. So I went to Cherokee, NC just a few weeks after reading the book. I
was so dismayed when I realized how little anyone thinks about the past.
Cherokee for me has always been a place to buy little turquoise rings, plastic
tomahawks, and souvenir Indian headdresses. But now I realize what a rich
culture is offered; it’s far beyond a tourist trap. My trip to the reservation
this summer wasn’t as a tourist, but as someone who genuinely wanted to
understand the heritage of a people so mistreated. My family and I attended a
drama called “Unto These Hills” at dusk in a valley of the Smoky Mountains,
and the experience really compelled me to write this poem as a lamentation for a
people forgotten. Hopefully, my poem expresses nature’s own sorrow for loss of
a people who cared for the land.
Poem’s revisions process – Here is the original poem….
Leathered
skin, weathered from the sun and
time
speaks of sorrows not easily forgotten.
A
furrowed path beaten down with every
footstep and heavy heart that passed still
haunting those who cannot forget.
Savage
and primitive they were not. Yet skin
not pale and values not “civil” left hearts
and minds uneasy. “War” they cried
as
those possessed by the lust of gold
often do.
Obviously, I tried to be more specific about why the Indians lost their land. But I felt my explanation was too cliché and too frank to make it a good poem. I wanted to involve some inference from the reader. So I went to the writing center, and made a few more revisions, and here’s the version I sent to Neelam and Jose for consideration…
His
leathered skin, weathered by the sun
and time measures sorrows not easily forgotten.
The
furrowed path beaten down with every
weary footstep and wailing heart that passed,
even
now refuses peace — reminds ― haunts
those
who forged the trail of tears.
Hills
once scattered with rambling bison and
Cherokee
now shield nothing under their shadows,
The
wind still whispers sad songs through
the amber-coated boughs of the sweetgum
tree, an elegy of White Cloud’s tribe slain
to the idol of gold, land, and tainted doctrine.
I liked this version much better, but felt that it was missing something. I wasn’t sure if my reader would understand who/what I was talking about. This poem does require some reflection and inference but my aim wasn’t to veil the meaning so that a reader can never understand my meaning.
Here were some of Neelam’s comments:
“I
really enjoyed reading your poem. Such a though-provoking subject, and I
especially like the way you talk about how the land has been beaten down is
suffering the consequences. Your opener was also great (leathered/weathered
consonance works so well). However, I thought in the first line the
"his" was referring to the earth because the 2nd sentence talks about
the furrowed paths. I think this works really well -- even if you didn't want it
this way.
In
the 2nd line, however, I thought "and time" seemed a bit out of place
-- not sure what that meant. If it was about the earth, then stick with
something like "measuring sorrows, not easily forgotten”?? It is just a
bit confusing because the first line talks about the earth, and 2nd line talks
about time. But then again, maybe its just me so please keep what you think
best.
All in all, I really enjoyed reading your poem. The only part I get
stuck on are the last 2 lines because I don't know who White Cloud is (as a
reader). It just seems a bit sudden because the entire poem is about the land
and how weathered it is, beat down and stripped of everything it once nourished
-- at least that is the meaning which I derived. -- Until the end when you bring
up White Cloud. Was it his footstep (and his tribes') that "trudged"
the furrowed path? How was he slain to idols of gold? And what is meant by
"tainted doctrine of civil men?" It seems to me that your elegy could
really use a stanza that discusses or talks about White Cloud and just explains
what happened -- and that is a mystery at this point and I know you didn't want
it to be one. If anything, I know you wanted your make your audience aware of
this occurance through your poem.
Lastly,
I understand that nature is reacting to loss -- and it is beautifully done! I
know you didn't mean (perhaps u did) this but it sounds like the land is a
living being which feels pain -- and I like the way you do this!
Long
story short, I think you talk more about White Cloud either at the end or in the
middle (after stanza 1), it would help your piece.
” Email
10/7/06.
I agreed with her that it
wasn’t clear who White Cloud is, so I decided to introduce him in the first
stanza, rather than assuming the reader will understand him later on. I made
some word changes she suggested, but I did decide to leave “and time”
because I wasn’t describing the earth, but rather White Cloud’s face
that’s weathered by the sun and time.
That confusion also caused me to make a structural change to the stanza, to
hopefully make it more clear. Neelam also suggested that I change the words
“scattered/rambling” in the 3rd stanza when talking about the
bison, but I really couldn’t find any other words that I felt better enforced
my meaning. I wanted to say that the bison were just sprinkled all over the
mountain, grazing and plentiful. That’s to imply better days for the Indians,
before the railroad came in and frightened them from the land and caused
starvation among the Indians. Lastly, Neelam felt the last two lines needed more
explanation. I thought about this and really considered changing them, but I
ultimately decided that anyone aware of American history will be able to recall
that the Native Americans weren’t “civil” in the eyes of the colonists and
government. Also, the government wanted more land for expansion and power.
Americans wanted to convert Indians to Christianity by force, and that’s what
I mean by “tainted doctrine.” The Christian doctrine in itself isn’t
tainted, but the selfish methods used to force the faith on Indians were impure.
Furthermore, gold diggers wanted access to rich land. I feel that the last two
lines adequately express these ideas, and explaining further may remove some of
the simplicity from the lines.
Here is an excerpt of Jose’s
email:
“
His leathered skin, weathered by the sun
And
time measures sorrows not easily forgotten.
Who
are we talking about here? It’s
not very clear since this character does not really appear again (at least until
the second to the last line, where a name is mentioned).
I like the idea of White Cloud being a ghost, but more than your regular
run-of-the-mill ghost who is just a restless spirit.
Since you have some other nature-related imagery, you may want to
incorporate Native American lore and mythology to make this poem an
“explanatory” type of tale (as in creation stories).
You could make White Cloud a spirit overlooking these lands to insure
that the injustices that happened to his people never occur again….
As
I mentioned in the e-mail, I like the word choice here (furrowed, trudged).
To me, it not only had me visualizing an actual path on land, but also
deep tracks of tears on the “leathered face” that you start with.
I made this connection by seeing the “leathered face” as very stoic
and emotionless. I then saw these “paths” across his face as tracks that
got deeper with the “footstep[s]” and the “wailing heart[s]”. The words “even now refuses peace” and “[h]aunts” all
further strengthen the ghost imagery of White Cloud…
An
elegy of White Cloud’s tribe slain to the
Idols
of gold, land, and tainted doctrine of civil
men.
These
last two lines are the most important ones in the whole poem. This
is where you make a statement on the needless slaying of an entire people.
I like the fact that you did not fall into the usual trap of using the
term “white man” when talking about Native American history.
I like the use of the words “civil men”. It
has such a universal appeal that it can also be related to other events where
atrocities are committed in the name of “civility”.
I honestly do not have any suggestions about these two lines right now.
I have been trying to figure it out.
I do know that because of the power behind the idea of these two lines,
they could close it very well.”
Email 10/6/2006.
Jose made so many great comments also. He
suggested that I change the structure some, which I ended up doing to clarify
things. I hadn’t really considered rhythm or structure until after reading his
comments. He also suggested that it may be difficult for a reader to see White
Cloud in the first stanza, so that’s another reason I referenced him earlier
in the poem.
I also decided
to use the river cane flute because I
wanted there to be an element of mourning from White Cloud himself. The trees,
the hills, and even the shadows of the hills mourn the loss of the tribe, but
White Cloud here is likened to a Cherokee instrument ― a mournful song of
his own is being sung here through the mountains and valleys. I wanted nature to
“Breathe” the elegy because Nature isn’t just singing performing a sad
song. It’s the existence of the land now… the way life is. Nature is going
through an eternal grieving process
as we do our own loved ones. I hope I hope that comes across by the words I
chose.
Also, I
mentioned the “despoiled valleys” because I wanted the reader to understand
that the people were forcefully taken from the land. Nature couldn’t protest
the injustice, so to me, despoiled
hopefully suggests that the valley is empty not by choice, but is desolate and
grieving for a people who respected the land. I chose the title Nature’s
Monody because a monody is a death song. White Cloud is watching over Nature
as it sings this death song.
I would love to improve this
poem even further and possibly submit it to a magazine for publication.
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