LITR 3731 Creative Writing UHCL sample student fiction submission 2006

Maria deleted the message because she had a feeling her sister, Sandra, wanted her to watch the kids. Maria had just got out for Christmas break and the last thing she wanted to do was baby-sit her little nieces and nephews. Plus, she had plans to go hang out with her friends from school. She had made the mistake of telling Sandra she would be getting out of school early. She listened to the next message.

“ I really need you to call me! It’s an emergency!”

Sandra sounded like she had been crying. Suddenly, Maria grew worried. Sandra never sounded that desperate to talk to her. She had so many thoughts running through her head. She didn’t know if she should call her or run over to her sister’s house. She decided to pick up the phone and call to see what was going on. The phone rang and rang. It seemed like eternity before Sandra picked up the phone.

“What happened?”

“Come over as fast as you can.”

Maria hung up the phone and ran out the door. It was a cold day, but she ran out forgetting her scarf and gloves. She was too worried to think about the cold. What could have happened? Were the kids okay? What if something happened to one of them? She was thinking the worst things imaginable till she finally reached her sister’s apartment. She knocked on the door and before she could make it all the way through the entrance she heard, “Johnny shot himself.”

“Maria, hun, he’s dead.”

Maria’s knees gave up on her and she hit the floor. She couldn’t comprehend the news. She wanted more than anything to cry, but nothing came out. Was this a joke? Was she dreaming? How could this be real? Johnny was her best friend. They had known each other since they were five. Johnny lived right across the street from Maria. Maria, Johnny and her brother, Mike, were inseparable for so many years. Everywhere the boys went Maria followed. Mike would get annoyed with her being around, but Johnny would always defend her. She always wanted to be around the two of them. She considered herself one of the boys and so did everyone else that knew them. How was she going to begin to imagine life without him in it?

There were so many questions that were left unanswered.

Maria, Johnny and Mike seemed to break their bond when they all attended different high schools. They still talked, but not the same way they had before. It was different now because they all had their own friends at their schools.

Johnny had gotten involved with the wrong crowd. He had hidden his decision to join a gang from Maria and Mike, but Mike found out and broke the news to Maria. Maria hated the thought of gangs and Johnny knew that she would never see him the same, but Maria never held it against him. They just avoided talking about the subject. Johnny never brought any of his friends over. Maria appreciated that, but little by little she wondered why Johnny always cared about Maria’s opinion. He started hanging around her more than Mike, but she didn’t point it out to him.

One day the truth came out.

“Maria, you know why I hang out with those guys, right?”

“Look at me. Do ya think I can protect myself?”

Maria looked at his skinny body and it was true. There was no way Johnny could beat up anyone. She remembered beating him when they were younger because he was weak. “I still think you need to get out.”

“It’s not that easy.”

“Then you are just going to stay in and pray nothing happens to you?”

“That’s the plan.”

“You’re an idiot. Don’t you see what you are doing to people that care about you?”

“What about me? What am I supposed to do get jumped everyday I go to school?

“Change schools.”

“It doesn’t matter where I go. I will always have to watch my back. At least now my boys will protect me.”

“Will they protect you from dying?”

“We are all gonna die one day.”

Maria was shocked. She couldn’t think of anything to say. “I have to go in now, its getting late.” She opened her door and right before she locked it behind her, she heard.

“I will call you tomorrow.”

That night Maria couldn’t sleep. She couldn’t stop thinking about what Johnny said to her. He was like a brother to her. She couldn’t see him not being a part of her life. She loved him like a brother. She didn’t know anything about death. She never lost anyone she loved. How could Johnny think that he wasn’t hurting anyone with his decisions.

Johnny spent that night regretting what he said to Maria. He felt Maria didn’t understand because she was girl and she didn’t have to watch where she went. She didn’t have to keep from entering certain neighborhoods afraid that someone will threaten her. It was different for girls than for guys. Everyday he had to worry who was after him or if today is the day he could die.

Months went by and the conversation was never repeated. Things seemed to get back to normal between the three of them. Mike had a feeling though that something wasn’t right. When they would all go out, he sensed tension, but he figured it was the fact that they saw a lot less of each other these days. Johnny realized with each passing day he cared more and more about Maria, but he learned from the last time. He wasn’t going to admit to it. He didn’t want her to react the same way again.

Early Autumn, Mike and Maria got a phone call from Johnny’s mom. Johnny was in the hospital because he had been beaten by a rival gang. He was hit over and over again with bats and pipes. He had a cracked skull and multiple fractures throughout his body. Mike and Maria rushed to the emergency room to see him. Visiting hours were almost over when they reached the hospital. The nurses allowed only one of them into Johnny’s room. Mike let Maria be the one to go in because she was crying all the way to the hospital and he knew she needed to see he was alright.

Maria was a nervous wreck when she entered the hospital room. She had no idea what Johnny was going to look like. She held her breath and closed her eyes. When she opened them, she wanted to scream because Johnny’s face was unrecognizable. The only way she knew it was him was by his eyes. She looked at him, tears streaming down her face and asked, “Why? Why did they do this to you?”

Johnny closed his eyes to hold back his tears. He only shook his head and shrugged his shoulders.

“You have to promise, John, you’re gonna get out. Look what they did to you. Next time you aren’t gonna be here. Please, promise me you will. You gotta promise!”

“It’s not that easy. I can’t just walk away. I can’t promise. I never wanted you to see me like this.”

Maria knew it was no use. Johnny was set in his ways. She had to accept it, even if she was scared one day he was going to be killed. The hospital announced visiting hours were over. She didn’t want to hug him because she was afraid of hurting him, instead she walked over and kissed him on the one part of his face that wasn’t purple, his lips. She said, “I love you.” Walked away without looking back.

It was the first time she had ever kissed him. Johnny realized that she loved him, but in the sisterly way. He knew he was hurting her by his actions. He had made bad choices and there was no turning back. He knew there was no way he could get out now. The only way out was to leave far away from here, but where would he go? Where could he go?

Winter came and Johnny spent most of his time at home. He had so many unbearable headaches due to that not he was beaten. The painkillers didn’t relieve them and he didn’t know how much longer he could deal with the pain. Mike came by everyday to listen to music and play video games, but Maria didn’t come by. She knew if she saw him she would get upset, so she decided it was better to stay away. Everyday Johnny hoped to see her, but she never did come.

It was five days before Christmas and Maria knew his life would never be the same. “Does Mike know?”

“Yeah. Johnny’s mom called him when she found him. He is over there right now.”

“Why? Why would Johnny do that?”

“I don’t have an answer.”

“No, don’t leave. Its cold out there.”

“I can’t stay,” Maria got up, wiped her eyes and walked out into the cold. She didn’t know where to go. She just had to go somewhere. She couldn’t believe this was happening. How could he do this? How could he do this to her? She wanted to scream, but nothing came out. She lost her best friend and the last time she had seen him was in the hospital. She turned back and headed home.

Mike was at Johnny’s house. He knew he had to start going through Johnny’s things because everyone wanted answers. He had spent so much time with Johnny that everyone expect him to know why Johnny did this, but he was left in the dark like everyone else. He knew Sandra had broken the news to Maria already. He didn’t want to be the one to do it because he knew it would kill her.

Later that night, Mike knocked on Maria’s door. She didn’t say anything so he entered to find her laying in bed crying. She turned and hugged him. Mike had not cried all day, but when he saw his baby sister fall apart, he couldn’t hold the tears any longer. They cried for what seemed like eternity. Finally, Mike broke the silence “its gonna be hard, but we will be ok.”

“Why did he do it?”

“I don’t have an answer to that and I don’t know if we will ever know.”

Two days later Maria and Mike had to prepare themselves to see Johnny one last time. When Maria walked into the funeral home, she backed up against the wall as soon as she saw Johnny laying there. She knew she couldn’t keep herself from falling, so she needed the wall to support her. Johnny looked like he was just sleeping, but she knew he wasn’t. Mike grabbed her and said, “you can’t. You can’t do this here.” She couldn’t bring herself to walk forward. Mike grabbed her arm and lead her to him. They kneeled down in front of him and all Maria could do was stare at him. He looked so peaceful lying still. She never realized how handsome he really was. She wished she realized that sooner. She grabbed his hands and begged him to come back. Mike said, “C’mon, Maria. Let’s go say good-bye to him.” Mike didn’t want to fall apart because he knew he had to keep his sister from it. They walked to have a seat and stayed at that same spot the rest of the evening just staring at their best friend.

After some time, they were told that the parlor would be closing. Maria went up to Johnny alone and whispered, “I am gonna miss you. I don’t know why you left. I don’t know if I would even understand. All I do know is that I lost a brother. I am sorry for not being there when you needed me, but I took advantage of the thought that you would always be there.” She closed her eyes and kissed his cold lips, “I love you.” She walked away without ever looking back.

Revision Account of My Fiction Piece

I have to admit it was pretty hard writing a fiction piece. It was the first time I attempted to write one, so I had a lot of struggling to get through. First of all, I had no idea on what I was going to write about. There were so many ideas going through my head that I couldn’t pick just one. Everytime I tried to write something I deleted it because I didn’t like the way it was coming out. I started off by writing a little each day because I didn’t know if my story was sounding to boring. I did enjoy it because I got to try something different. I don’t know if I will ever write another piece, but I learned a lot from writing this one.

I choose my topic because my best friend committed suicide about 12 years ago. It’s still hard to understand why he did it. My brother, him and I were really close, but we never had conversations like that and I didn’t really know why my best friend joined the gang that was all an assumption. The conversation between Maria and Johnny was originally a conversation on how Johnny truly felt for Maria. This conversation really took place between me and my best friend, but on the advice of Charity I removed it. The way I found out about my best friend’s death was through my sister and my brother wasn’t living in Chicago anymore when it all happened and we had just sold the house across the street from each other a few months earlier, so we no longer lived across the street from him. I tried to add as much fiction to the piece as I could.

I chose two people from class to read and revise my piece. Charity and Theresa were great help. They gave me a lot of great advice on things I was stuck in. I was grateful that they took the time to read it. I actually used most of their revision comments when I went back to revise it. When Charity advised me to cut a the conversation between Maria and Johnny, I simply just changed the entire conversation the two characters had. They caught mistakes I didn’t even notice from reading and re-reading it again. I was glad I chose them for help on my piece.

They both emailed me regarding my work. Charity said,

Thanks for sending your piece. I enjoyed reading it. I thought it was a sensitive story with a lot of places to go from your draft. I hope the comments are helpful and not critical. I tried to think of how I would want to change it if it were my own paper. I used the edit feature in word, and I did change some verbs to make them more cohesive.

I really enjoyed your story line! Your story really flowed well and the
feelings of the characters were presented in a very clear manner. It seems
that you have a personal connection with this story is some aspect because
the reactions of Maria seem very realistic and believable. The small amount
of corrections/suggestions that I found in your piece are noted in red.