Neelam Damani

A Mistaken Past 

“Life is simple. Agree or disagree. Explain your response using complete sentences in a 3-4 page essay.”

“It’s not so hard, Anju. It’s pretty simple. It says ‘just agree or disagree.’ See, there,” said Anju, talking to herself, after reading the prompt on her take-home exam for the fourth time.

“But is life so simple? Perhaps it was then – a year ago. Really, has it been just a year? But not now. Definitely not now.” Anju flung herself out of the computer chair and walked towards the dark, starless night, visible through her second story window. “So funny how life can change so suddenly, isn’t it? Without any warnings? Without any caution signs?” Time seemed to wait patiently as she stood there gazing at the ebony sky overhead.

Suddenly, jerking her head back and shuddering at the sight of her take-home exam she said, “Jeez, I need to finish this paper now because I won’t have much time later on tonight.”

Walking back, Anju sat upright in her computer chair, with fingers on the keyboard and eyes on the screen, but her thoughts – ah her thoughts – like always, they soon began visiting a distant, familiar past…

     Anju and her older sister Shoni were in the kitchen, standing on one end of the small dining table, facing a 2-layer bitter-sweet chocolate cake with extra chocolate frosting (their favorite), lit with seventeen candles. Of course, Anju was only sixteen, but since the sisters’ birthdays were so close, Ma and Papa usually got one cake between the two of them. Anju didn’t mind though. This was the one thing she shared with her sister Shoni, year after year. Shoni stood in the middle between Ma and Anju and with arms outstretched, pulled her sister and mom closer for the photograph. Their smiles radiated as Papa shouted “Say Paneer,” and clicked the disposable camera – trying to preserve his family’s happiness forever in one photograph. So perfect. So simple.  

Anju’s thoughts were interrupted by the muffled cries of a baby, coming from the next room. “Oh great. Shafee is awake,” said Anju, dragging herself towards the bedroom door. Just as she turned the doorknob, her computer let out a “ding.”

“Who could that be?” said Anju. After seating herself back on the computer chair and clicking on the IM window, she saw the instant message was from her friend Wali.

HailWali: hey anju. watchya doin?  

SweetAnju: notin wali jus finishin ma paper

HailWali: grl dat was due last wk!

SweetAnju: i no. dont rub it in

HailWali: so i gues u aint comin to tha movies tonite?

SweetAnju: no chance

HailWali: shoulda nown. babysittin rite?

SweetAnju: shut up wali!

Baby cries grew louder in the distance.

HailWali: chill chica. jus messin wit ya!

Hurriedly, Anju typed her last response “gtg wali,” closed her IM window and dashed out of her room and into Shoni’s room next door.

 “Uh-oh, I’m too late,” thought Anju as she spotted Ma in the room, squeezing the two-month-old baby in her arms, swaying him hard from side to side. A dejected Shoni sat on the bed, her head down, tears streaming down her cheeks.

“Ma, you’re making him cry more! Let me have him,” said Anju as she gently freed Shafee out of Ma’s clutch, and nuzzled him in her own arms. Shafee’s cries eased. Still rocking him back and forth, Anju seated herself on the bed between Shoni and a pile of Shafee’s dirty laundry.   

“Anju, you spoil Shoni too much. We take care her. It’s not enough? Now we take care baby too?” said Ma in her broken English.

“Ma – I’m taking care of Shafee. I’ve told you not to bother with him,” replied Anju.

“Yes, but I have to bother with her,” said Ma, pointing her sharp gaze at Shoni, who still sat motionless with her head down. “Tell your sister it be temple night tonight, but of course I couldn’t go.”

“Not couldn’t go Ma. You didn’t go,” Anju answered for her sister.

“Aur kya mu dikhaun? How I show face in the public? You know what those women at temple say about your sister?” Ma knew exactly how those women at the temple gossiped. Before Shoni’s pregnancy, Ma had been one of them.

Ma continued, “Awaara hai ye ladki. A baby with no marriage? And that with a gora ladka? A white boy?” said Ma, glaring harder at Anju, hoping her fierce looks would convey what her caustic words could not.

With a sigh, Anju said, “Ma, hasn’t she been through enough already? Do you have to repeat this every day?”

Ignoring Anju, Ma continued, “Who would think my Shoni do this to me? My Shoni, my pyari sweet Shoni?”

Anju gulped hard after hearing Ma’s words, but calmly said, “Come on Ma, it’s okay. We can go to the new temple that opens next month. No one knows us there. It’s 40 miles away. I know Papa won’t drive that far, so I’ll take you, okay Ma?”

Ma was glaring so hard at Shoni now that tears welled up in her eyes.

Anju couldn’t watch any longer. She had to do something. Seeing that Shafee was no longer crying, she gently placed him in his crib, and walked towards Ma, hoping to divert her attention this time.

“Ma, why don’t we go in the kitchen? I’ll help you grind the masalas Papa brought from the store yesterday.” Instead of waiting for a reply, Anju quickly led Ma by the hand and accompanied her out the door.

Before leaving the room, Anju cast one last glance at Shoni. Her sister still sat on the bed, unmoved and still frozen, like ice.   

Walking down the steps, Anju couldn’t help but wonder about what Ma had said earlier. And she was right – who would have thought that Shoni could end up like this? She had always been so darn perfect. She was so gorgeous with her sanwla complexion contrasted against her big brown eyes and long dark hair. And a straight A student to top things off. Things used to be so easy for her. And now, the same Shoni, the make-no-mistake Shoni had slipped like this? “It’s not my fault, is it?” wondered Anju as she often did these days. “Should I have mentioned something to Ma and Papa when Shoni first started seeing Ryan? But how was I supposed to know? I knew they were close but – not this close. Maybe if I had just said something – a warning perhaps…”

“Ay Anju, you help me or no in kitchen?” shouted Ma.

“Coming Ma,” said Anju walking down the short corridor, filled now with the fiery, pungent smell of Indian spices.

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After helping Ma in the kitchen, Anju climbed back up the stairs towards Shoni’s room. She opened the door to a dark room where Shoni and Shafee seemed to be sound asleep. Not meaning to wake them, Anju turned to leave the room.

“Wait Anju,” followed Shoni’s whisper, “I think I just had a really bad dream.”

“I’m so sorry Shoni. I didn’t mean to wake you.”

“No Anju. I don’t think I’m awake yet,” said Shoni, “It’s like I’m in a dream where I’m falling and I wanna stop– I really do Anju – but I can’t. It’s like everything I grab – I don’t know – somehow everything is slippery so I just keep falling. I can’t hold onto anything Anju – Not even Shafee.”

 The darkness veiled Shoni’s face, but Anju could somehow see a helpless, slippery tear falling down her sister’s cheek.

“Shoni, don’t mind what Ma says,” started Anju, “She just gets carried away sometimes, you know that.”

“No Anju – Ma’s right this time. I can’t even take care of Shafee. Every time I hold him, he cries.” Shoni hesitated, “Maybe – even he’s ashamed of me.”

“Don’t say that deedee!” cried Anju. “You know we love you. You know Ma loves you too right?”

“I know. But that’s what makes it worse, you know. Is this the gift I give Ma – a garland of shame to wear every time she goes to the temple?”

“Oh Shoni, she hardly ever went to that temple anyway. Plus, there’s that new temple—”

“– Stop Anju,” interrupted Shoni, “Please stop. I know what you’re doing. But you’re lying to me.”

Still standing, Anju fell silent. How could she argue? Shoni was right. Anju knew as well as her sister how important their family reputation was to Ma and Shoni had shamed them – had shamed them all – her parents, her friends, her sister and even her son. Anju couldn’t stop wondering how her sister could do this. How could she have done this to all of them? They, who cared so much about her, who loved her, respected her, envied her.

The room seemed overbearing under the weight of salty tears and the loaded silence. Not knowing what to do, Anju walked over to Shafee’s crib and stared at the silhouette of his small, frail figure, tucked under a blanket. How could such a small, beautiful thing bring so much hurt and pain?

“I wanna run away Anju – from everything. This is not my life.” Shoni tried to continue, but the words were barely audible now under the weight of her tears. “This – is – not – not me.”

“It’s okay Shoni. People make mistakes,” replied her sister.

“Is it okay Anju? Then why am I being punished for my mistake? Why am I being punished for life?”

Her tears were falling harder now.

Was it just a mistake? Had Shoni never thought about the consequences of her actions and how they would affect everyone around her?

            Slowly, Shoni started again, “I’ve been thinking a lot Anju – and – I think it’s best if I – leave.”

Anju felt the floor quiver beneath her feet.

 “I’m thinking about moving in with Nani and Nana. I can’t see Ma and Papa crying over me anymore. I don’t wanna be here Anju. I can’t be here,” said Shoni with her head turned towards her son and away from her sister. “I wanna be a good mom Anju, but that can’t happen if I’m here. I feel – I feel that every time I hold Shafee, it’s a reminder to Ma about what I’ve done. It’s like I’m holding up my mistake for the whole world to see.” Anju turned to look at her sister. “I know it’s not Shafee’s fault Anju, but I just can’t take care of him if I’m here – not in front of Ma and Papa. You understand, don’t you?”

Anju knew things were getting harder for her sister and nephew, but she didn’t think they had escalated this far. And what would her life be like without Shoni and Shafee? No more cries in the middle of the night, no slamming of doors, no hysterical cries from Ma and Papa. She would have her freedom – if that’s what freedom is. She would be able to concentrate on school, go out with friends. No babysitting. Life would be simple again.

But is that what she craved? Simplicity, without the hardship of life? All these things that seemed burdensome just moments ago were her life now.  She was finally part of the family– the thread stitching everyone together.

Anju knew deep down what her answer would be, even before these thoughts flooded her mind. As long as Shoni was in the house, the wound would stay open, and it needed to close. It needed time to heal. And that could only happen if Ma and Papa didn’t have to see them everyday.

“But what about me?” thought Anju, clenching her teeth to keep the tears from falling. “How will I go back to my simple life – without Shafee and without Shoni?”

But Anju couldn’t keep from crying any longer, and for the first time in a very long time, she rushed over to her sister and hugged her so tightly her arms hurt. Their touch seemed to melt everything around them, as though falling through the deep darkness. Like sliding through the slippery shadows of a mistaken past. But the sisters held on – not melting, not falling but holding on to one another.

“I love you Shoni. God, I love you and Shafee so much.” Anju released her hold on Shoni and looked her in the eye. She hadn’t seen her sister so closely in such a long time. “I think you’re doing the right thing Shoni, and I want you to know I’ll always be there for you.”

Shoni’s lips flashed a smile. “Oh Anju—” But before she could say more, Anju had embraced her again. And there they remained, lingering in each other’s arms.

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“Life is simple, if you have no one to love, no one to care for. Life is simple without obligations, without responsibilities and even without mistakes. But this is not my life, and I am grateful for it,” typed Anju, finally continuing on with her thoughts in place.

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Revision Account

Since I had never written fiction before, this assignment was an especially daunting task. In the first place, I did not know what to write about. Secondly, I was afraid that even if I found a subject, I would not be able to explain the scene in writing with great detail. However challenging the task at hand, I knew I had to do this. I especially signed up for this class to have this opportunity to write creatively. Since I am training to become an English teacher, I want to exercise writing techniques that I will be teaching my students one day. I don’t want to preach something to my students that I have not first practiced myself.  Driven by inspiration, I set out to find my story and the means to deliver it to my readers.

            I commenced my search for ideas by looking in my writer’s notebook, the same place where I found my poetry writing inspiration. I perused several subjects that I felt passionately about, and finally decided on the topic of teenage pregnancy. Teenage pregnancy is difficult no matter what the ethnicity and/or background, but I have witnessed its pressures on Asian women. Because of the cultural differences, it is especially difficult for the girl’s parents to accept what has happened. They resent her, not only for ruining her own life, but for ruining their lives as well by staining their reputation. This guilt weighs heavily on the new mom. She is often not ready to embrace the child because doing so means embracing her mistakes – or her mistaken past – a tough realization. The “real” person, on whom Shoni’s character is based, does not have a sister, but has a male friend who truly helped her through this situation. But at times, even he felt disappointed by her actions.

            I invented Anju’s character to add more depth to the story. I have sisters and really understand what it would be like to let them down; but even after letting them down, I know what it’s like to have them by my side. I wanted to bring this level of comfort and closeness for Shoni. I wanted her to know that life will not be a quick fix but it will go on because there are people who care for her and love her so much.

            I must confess that these details about Shoni and Anju’s relationship developed after I received feedback from my peers. They provided fresh, new perspectives in areas where I was struggling and others which I had overlooked.  Below are some suggestions offered by my classmates and an account of how I incorporated these into my revision:

1.      I had not realized that the birthday flashback did not have a transitioning clue. Charity pointed this out by writing: “On my first reading, I wasn’t sure if the flashback ended here or if the interruption of the baby crying was part of the flashback. Now I get it. But is there a way to make it more clear that the flashback ends? I also added one more space between the flashback for more clarification.” I kept the extra spaces and also indented the paragraph to make it easier for the reader.

2. I wasn’t sure if the IM conversation flowed well with the story. I was relived to hear when Charity said, “This portion is awesome. You really pegged what a teen IM conversation would look like. It couldn’t have been composed any better! I also liked the interruption of the baby crying. Perfect addition!”
    

3. I realized some sentences were phrased awkwardly and confused my readers. Heidi pointed out that when Anju walks into Shoni’s room and finds the baby crying, “Is she making the cries worse? Or the mood of the child?” I realized I needed to reword that sentence to make it clearer.
    

4. Charity pointed out the need for a new paragraph when Anju enters Shoni’s room: “I wonder if that needs to be a new paragraph b/c it’s another thought. Maybe not, but it seems like it should stand out of that paragraph.” I had not noticed this earlier and incorporated Charity’s suggestion.

5.      Ma talks in Hindi a few times in the story, but I had not realized that I never indicated the language. Heidi caught this slip and pointed out: “PAGE \# "'Page: '#'
'"  Do you translate these phrases? Also, let your reader know what language it is… Also, list culture and ethnicity to give the reader a better idea or picture of the family and values. Well done! It was very enjoyable.” An excellent suggestion! I added these details immediately to paint a clearer picture.

6.      I realized that writers are also directors of their stories, and thus, must be attentive about stage directions. Heidi pointed out one such mistake: “PAGE \# "'Page: '#'
'"  She [Anju] was sitting, be mindful of the positions of your characters.”

7.      Another stage direction needed to be reworded since Heidi and Charity both pointed this out: “I’m not sure I can picture exactly what that would look like [the brushing of shoulders]. Just a suggestion, but I think other readers may have a hard time picturing what you’re trying to convey, so can you consider re-wording?” And Heidi wrote: “Wording here is a bit awkward. Maybe try tinkering with the wording in this sentence.”  I ended up rewording the sentence.

8.      I was worried whether or not my readers would understand why Ma was “squeezing” the baby. I was relieved when Charity addressed this concern: “At first, I thought this phrase was all wrong. I didn’t understand why Ma would be squeezing a child, but now that I’ve read through the story, you do a great job of allowing Ma’s actions to speak for her. She’s angry at her daughter and the situation, and the inconvenience of a child on her reputation. That little action says a lot and I wouldn’t change it at all now that I understand why it’s there. Very good!”

9.      I had not realized that in my draft, the narrator did not stay consistent. At first it was limited but at times it was omniscient. Charity pointed this out very well: “I assume Anju is still the person thinking here. It seems that you have not used an omniscient narrator, but Anju’s thoughts throughout. And by saying “Anju is right,” it kind of switches to another narrator’s voice. Maybe the story should have one or the other.” Great suggestion! I made necessary adjustments to keep the narration consistent.

10. Though in my original draft, I briefly revealed Anju’s thoughts, I realized after the critiques, that I needed to expose her thoughts some more. Charity wrote: “I like this statement, but can you expand on that, and explain why? I don’t think the reader will automatically know why life without Anjus sister and nephew will be a prison. Is her relationship with her mom really bad? What about her dad? What will make it a prison? I think this might need a little investigation for the reader.” These questions needed to be answered and it could only be done by revisiting Anju’s thoughts.

11. In the original draft, I had also not explained why Shoni was not able to care for the baby. Both Charity and Heidi caught this. Heidi wrote: “This is a really good story. I like the complexity in the display of feelings and how you slowly reveal what brought them about. It’s a little painful, but true. The baby was being treated like a disease, but that does happen in such a situation. What I do want to know is why Shoni doesn’t get up to take care of the baby herself? This needs to be explained. Is there a reason?”

Similarly, Charity wrote: “I noticed early on that Shoni had not much to do with the baby. I think you have something huge there. What reasons would she have for not picking up and comforting her own child? She is young, she is scared, she is shamed, she relies on Ma and Anju and is uncomfortable with the baby, it’s a painful reminder of her “mistaken past”? It could be any of those things I think. Can you do something more with that?  Show your readers why she isn’t able to reach out to her child in just a few sentences somewhere. I think that’s a big part of the depth of your story – Shoni’s reluctance, or being overshadowed by the other women in her family and she isn’t able to embrace her motherhood.”

To solve these issues, I revealed Shoni’s emotions by adding more dialogue and giving her a stronger voice to express her feelings.

12. Why was Shoni the favorite daughter and how did Anju feel about this? I hadn’t explored this in depth either until Charity pointed out: “Also, it was interesting that Anju says that Shoni is the favorite, and that she is envied by ALL of them (even the parents I assume). Anju says it so nonchalantly, as though it doesn’t hurt or bother her. Is that the case? Is that Anju’s culture, that naturally a more gifted child will be favored, or is Anju kind of hurt by it? Just a thought, but that could also add to the conflict you already have. (I highlighted a few statements in your piece that relate back to these comments).”

Thanks Charity. I addressed these concerns by revealing more of Anju’s “thoughts” about her sister and nephew.

13. Lastly, I had been unsure about the ending, and suffered severe writer’s block over it. I knew the original embrace ending did not bring closure to the story, and I was so grateful for Charity’s suggestions because she gave me some great tips and ideas: “Lastly, I think the ending lacks something. Their embrace to me isn’t quite the right fit. Could you consider having Anju return to her computer to write her essay… and you could even type in her opening paragraph dealing with how life is in fact not at all simple. It also juxtaposes Anju’s scholarly ambitions with Shoni’s less-than-desirable situation.  I just thought it might be interesting to see that essay come back. I liked that idea. It was very original.”

 I incorporated Charity’s suggestions, and I think it really helped conclude the scene and showed that life would go on for Anju, and even for Shoni.

Plans for revision:

            I am not completely satisfied with this writing, and consider this a draft-in-progress. I would like to give Anju and Shoni’s characters more depth, but at this point, I’m not sure how to do that. I think by putting this work aside, and revisiting after some time will give me more ideas and a clearer direction. I’m not sure if I would like to continue this story further, but I would like to take certain cultural elements from this story, and incorporate them into a novel or other short stories.