LITR 3731: Creative Writing
Student Poetry Submission 2005

Alissa Tupa

Beach Days

by: Alissa Tupa

Arriving amid joyful aspiration

Arranging the terry towel on the sand

I turn on the radio

AC/DC singing my song

I expose my coffee and cobalt bikini

Bouncing off my bronze and blue features

Rubbing my hands over my body

Glittery oil gently glides over my golden skin

Sipping my sweet soda and rum

Savoring the chill on my lips

Waves whooshing as they break

Washing seashells on the shore

Beautiful beach bunnies bop by

Strolling through sandpapery sand

Guys stride, gazing for girls

Whirling their heads when wanting

Being at the beach,

Lazy, happy days.

Alissa Tupa

Beach Days

Draft Exchange Report

I got the idea for my poem in our text under “Six Ways to Jump-Start a New Poem.”  One of the suggestions was to think back on last summer.  When I read that, last summer at the beach immediately popped into my mind!  Last summer I went to the beach frequently and it was so much fun.  I began my poem by making a list of descriptive words that reminded me of the beach.  From the list I began to create phrases that went with my most vivid memories. 

I would have asked Audra to read my poem even if it were not required because I know her and I was not shy for her to see my poem.  I also asked Jennifer for the same reason.  It was easier for me to show the first poem I have written in about ten years to them instead of strangers.  I thought my poem was cute, but not some great literary work like some of the other poems I have seen from others in the class, so I was comfortable showing it to them. 

Both had great feedback on my poems.  When I wrote the poem, I just wrote lines about what I kind of wanted to say.  Then, I went back and used as much alliteration as possible.  Audra and Jennifer both picked up on that.  I was also happy with both of their suggestions because I felt as if I could not think of anything to do that might make my poem better.  However, their suggestions gave me so many ideas about what I could do.  I was also glad for suggestions to change things that I knew what I meant, but did not think about others not understanding what I was trying to say.  There are a couple of suggestions that I will not use because I like it better the way I had it to begin with.

Audra said:

Cute poem. I could feel some real emotion coming out in your writing. I also like the use of alliteration. I think this is something that either tends to stick out to me or that several people are focusing on. It would be great if you could change a few of the lines to use assonance instead or also, just to give it more depth in technique. Just a thought, because you of all people know I’m not an expert. Great poem.

Jennifer Jones said:

Ok, here goes - you're poem is really visual, which I liked a lot!   I love the "glittering oil gently glides over my golden skin" line... it's got alliteration and imagery.  The entire poem is full of pictures.  I think that's really effective. 

I have a few ideas that you may or may not like. 1. The line about the guys.  To me, the word "march" has this soldier image to it.  On a beach, I imagine guys strutting.  ya know? Strutting down the shore, like peacocks or roosters.  So, there's the option of using "Guys strut, gazing for girls" or even "Guys stride, gazing for girls"  (I don't know if you want punctuation in that line, but I just added it to emphasize where I am having a natural pause.  You may not want the pause there.)  I like strut because of its connotation, but I like stride because it's internal rhyme. guys and stride sound similar.  Stride has more of a glide meaning to me.  It depends on what you're trying to say about the guys.  2. "Whirling their heads when wanting" - What about "Whirling their heads with wanting" ? Depending on if you want to say the guys only turn their heads when they want to (like when they see a hot chick) or if the guys turn their heads because they see a hot chick and they want her.  For some reason when I read that line, I automatically wanted to say "with" instead of "when."  3. "Other beach bunnies bop by" - great alliteration! :)  Would it be too much to say "Beautiful beach bunnies bop by" ?  4. "Washing waste on the shore" - I like the alliteration, but the part about waste kind of messes with the happy, golden, sparkling visual.  What about "Washing seashells on the shore" ? You keep the alliteration because of the "sh" sounds.  Anyway, that's all I can think of.  I hope this is helpful.  I really think your poem is great because it's something everyone can relate to and imagine in their minds. 

I really think that the draft exchange is a good idea because it gave me ideas when I felt I had no more options.  I think that they helped me make some positive changes to my poem.  Audra’s suggestion to use assonance was the hardest part, but I thought she was right that assonance may give it more depth.  I could not seem to think of anywhere or any words to change to have the effect.  Finally, as I was staring at the last line it came to me to change the middle word to something that had an “a” sound like the other two words and that is how I came up with “happy.”  I think this line is better now.

I think almost all of Jennifer’s suggestions were helpful also.  I agreed that there should be a comma between march (now changed to stride) and gazing where there is a natural pause.  I decided to change march to stride because I did not want anyone to picture the military or any type of stiff movements.  I also used stride instead of strut because of the internal rhyme with guys.  I also liked how she suggested that I change “Other” to “Beautiful”---it really does make it sound better.  Again, I did not want people to get the wrong image in my poem, so I agreed that “waste” should be changed and I really like the way “seashells” sounds.  I decided not to change “when” (as in “Whirling their heads when wanting”) because “with” did not have the same ring to me.  This was one of my favorite lines in the poem.  I want them to whirl their heads when they see a pretty girl. 

I am really happy with my poem.  When I read it, I really go back to last summer.  I think the draft exchange process is a good thing because it gives you insight on others perceptions of your work and helps you see things you may have overlooked.  If I did something like this again, I would also ask them a specific question over something I was not sure of.  For instance, I am not sure where I should put some punctuation and I wish that I had thought to ask their opinion because neither really mentioned it.  Overall, I think this was a really good way to help me improve my poem and for me to see what others thought of it.  I am going to keep working on my poem and make it the best that it can be.