LITR 3731: Creative Writing
Student Poetry Submission 2005

Bonnie Napoli

No Room for Two

(Final version)

  I stole your thunder

I took your fame

how does it feel when they shout my name?

I was a threat

to your ego so grand,

you lost your glory and don’t understand.

I didn’t impose or threaten you,

but my success

wasn’t comfortable for you.

So you shut me down

and you turned me off,

but that didn’t work

and you just backed off.

A long time has passed

and I am still strong,

but you are still weak,

and you are still wrong.

You are still young

with so much to learn,

so here is the thunder

that you didn’t earn.

If you grow up

and rightly take blame,

just join the others

still shouting my name.

(original submission)

No Room for Two

I stole your thunder

I took your fame

how does it feel when they shout my name?

I was a threat

to your ego so grand,

you lost your glory and don’t understand.

I didn’t impose or threaten you,

but my success

wasn’t comfortable for you.

So you shut me down

and you turned me off,

but that didn’t work

and you just backed off.

A long time has passed

and I am still strong,

but you are still weak,

and you are still wrong.

You are still young

with so much to learn,

so here is the thunder

that you didn’t earn.

If you grow up

and rightly take blame,

just join the others

still shouting my name.

Draft Exchange Report

Author’s Report:

            My main concern when beginning to tackle the draft exchange was surrendering to the fact others would have to read my poetry.  Since I am very uneasy with poetry to begin with, I was nervous about sharing my work.  Since I sit next to Sherry and Daniel in class I emailed both my poem.  I chose to email two people besides Audra just in case one person was too busy and to have extra feedback.  In the end, Sherry responded, Audra responded, and I received verbal feedback from Daniel, Karen, and Mary.

            I took all the advice from all with great consideration.  When I wrote my poem I could not think of a title that would properly suite it’s message and emotion.  Both Sherry and Audra gave me some suggestions, but I didn’t feel their titles to fit.  Even the title “No Room for Two” does not satisfy me.  I am still struggling with this aspect of my poem.  Other verbal comments were made about contractions and punctuations within the poem, but I felt that by leaving words in full form, (example: do not or was not), the words within the line were more powerful with much more to say.

            The basis of this poem stems from a former relationship I had with a boyfriend.  Formerly he was a big fish in a small pond but after moving to Houston he became a small fish in an ocean.  He was always used to getting 100% of the attention at all times and when we were together that didn’t happen.  Unfortunately, this ended the relationship. I surrendered and let him have his thunder back by breaking up with him.  Within this poem is everything I wanted to say to him during and after we split ways.

Sherry’s Report:

            I wouldn't call this a cheesy poem because the way you made it jingly implies the tone of your poem. It's an interesting poem. The reader would think that if you steal someone's ideas without giving credit then you are wrong, but in this case you believe the other person is wrong. It makes the reader wonder about what the situation is?

            I can definitely feel the rhythm of your poem, and you have a lot of obvious rhyme. Is there some reason you only used one question mark for punctuation? If that's the message here or the theme that you want for this poem, maybe you could use that as the title. If you don't want a long title, then you could title it something like "Losing Glory." The following line, "But the thought of my success" is a bit wordy. I think you could still keep the rhythm if you just say "But my thought of success" or But the thought of success."

            In addition, I like your play on the word "thunder:" So here is the thunder

that you did not earn, it makes me think that perhaps you worked in a group, in which you did most of the work and a member thought the whole group was going to get credit, praise or fame. But in all actuality someone realized that you provided most of the ideas, and you got the credit. I don't know, but that's what I got out of this.

            By the way, I couldn't open the attachment because I don't have Microsoft Works. However, you did paste it in the message. Everything is centered in one stanza. Is that how you wanted it? I just wanted to make sure, but I think it works fine.

What I took from Sherry’s Feedback:

            As I said earlier, I know there was no title and I agreed with her that there needed to be one.  Her suggestion was good, but not what I was looking for.  Her suggestion on the line that reads, “the thought of my success,” was changed.  After I re-read my poem I agreed that the line was too wordy.  The last part about my structure of the poem was just an accident.  The poem was not intended to be one stanza so that was just a mistake.  Also, her comment on punctuation allowed me to go back and place commas and periods where I believed they would fit.

Audra’s Report:

            Hey Bonnie. I hope the semester is going well for you. I looked over your poem and thought it was great. The flow was nice and made the poem very easy to read. I think it is a great poem filled with emotion. It is also broad enough that many people can relate to the feelings expressed. I noticed you did not have a title for your poem yet. Might I suggest titling it by the event that took place to make you and the person in the poem split ways? Also, I think it would enhance the flow even more if it were split into stanzas instead of having it as one long poem.

What I took from Audra’s Feedback:

            Again, the stanza problem was just a mistake.  She also gave me good ideas for a title, but again nothing felt right. 

Feedback from Additional Readers:

            As previously stated, I received verbal feedback from Daniel, Karen, and Mary.  Daniel stated he liked the emotion in the poem.  Mary and Karen showed me where I might change some words into contractions.  Some I changed some I did not.  Overall, all of the readers felt the emotion within the poem, which is great in my opinion, because I was pretty emotional after this relationship ended.

Final Comments:

            The draft exchange process was enlightening because people I selected only read my work.  I am very self-conscious about my poetry so it helped that I knew what eyes would see it.  Outcomes and accomplishments were numerous including lines that became less wordy and more concise, a better structure for my poem, and a start to perfect title.  Overall, the original piece remained pretty much the same with the exception of certain lines within stanzas.  Again, the only frustration I still find troubling is the title and punctuation.  I do not know why this is so difficult, but nothing seems to convey what I want readers to know as soon as they read the title and when a comma is appropriate. 

            From this exchange I have learned that I should not be hesitant when others see my work.  Essentially we were all in the same boat, but because I was so uneasy with poetry I only wanted to accept comments or suggestions from people I know.  I wouldn‘t dare show strangers.  If I were to do this again I would definitely ask people in class I do not know and overcome my fear of strangers reading my work while making new friends in the process.