LITR 3731: Creative Writing
Student Poetry Submission 2005

Jennifer Jones    

My Treasures 

(final version)

Sapphire,

Rescuer, cobalt knight,

Supporting silly notions,

A sparkling shield.

Garnet,

Dark burgundy shards,

Piercing through midnight,

Like deep glaring jewels.

Topaz,

Tight clinging golden glow,

Affectionate rays

Of sunshine kisses.

Pearl,

Silvery sheen

Shines full upon the universe,

A dewdrop from the sea.

Ruby,

 Bright scarlet flicker,

Fulfilling all wishes,

Cultivating passion.

(earlier version)

My Treasures

My rescuer, my knight,

Supporting my silly whims,

Cradling my heart.

Fluffy not stuffy,

He lounges through the daylight

Flicking his fat tail.

Long arms clinging tight,

He oozes his affection

With T-Rex kisses.

Her sweet golden glow

Shines full upon the universe,

Her bloom blanketing.

I, the nurturer,

Fulfilling all their wishes,

Finally awake.

Draft Exchange Report

            This poem is actually a collection of poems written in haiku format.  I am aware that haikus usually describe nature, but I wanted to describe my family.  Each stanza is about one person (or cat) in my family.  I felt troubled over the order of each stanza, but decided to put my cat, my daughter, my son, me and then my husband in that order because I did not want pronoun confusions.  For example, I thought if there were two stanzas in a row that described a male it might become confusing to the reader.  So I placed the stanzas in boy/girl order.  I am not sure if that is even an issue to the reader, but it seemed like it could be an issue for me if I was reading this poem from the outside. 

            In recruiting readers, I simply emailed my poem with a note requesting assistance in critiquing my poem.  I emailed Alissa Tupa and Audra Caldwell on February 1, 2005.  Both students were helpful and responded within a reasonable amount of time. 

Alissa suggested that I should end the poem with myself.  She felt it was a better way to cap things off.  I was not sure how I felt about this at first.  Alissa’s suggestion, however, does make sense.  I finally decided not to concern myself with the possible pronoun confusion and put the poem in the order to which my “treasures” where found.  That would be my husband, my cat, my son, my daughter, and, finally, myself.  In my mind, the poem makes more sense this way.  Alissa also suggested I change “nurturing mother” to “I, nurturing mother.”  I compromised and went with “I, the nurturer.”  I needed five syllables.  It was important that I stay consistent with the rest of the poem.  Here is Alissa’s entire response to my poem:

I really liked your poem.  I thought it was really sweet.  I knew who/what you were talking about in each stanza.  I am not really that good with poetry, but I really do not think that there is anything wrong with it.  However, I feel that as part of the draft exchange I am supposed to make suggestions even though I think it is fine the way it is. 

             I think your poem is really good and when I first printed it out last night I was like, "Um, I have no idea what suggestions to give because it sounds really good to me!"  I sat and thought about it today and this is what I finally came up with.  Maybe you should put the stanza about yourself last and maybe say:  "I, nurturing mother" instead of just "Nurturing mother" ---just so that everyone is clear that you--the mother is the author of the poem. I think that the poem should end with you. 

             Also, I noticed that you used a lot of alliteration.  Okay, that is my suggestion!  I want to say again how sweet I thought your poem really was.  I was really impressed with it. (Alissa Tupa, February 4, 2005)

            Audra Caldwell suggested that “oozes” was perhaps not the best word to use in the stanza about my son.  I decided to keep the word because, to me, this perfectly describes my son’s way of showing his love.  He really does ooze affection.  I thought of using “exudes,” but changed my mind because “oozes” is a much more playful and mischievous word.  My son is both playful and mischievous.  Here is Audra’s response:

Thanks for asking me to read your poem. I’m sorry it is taking me so long to get back to you. I really like the idea of combining the haikus together to reflect a large idea. It has put some idea’s into my own head. I really like the use of alliteration in the second chunk, However the word “oozes” seems a bit out of place. I couldn’t come up with another suggestion off the top of my head, but I might work on that. Great job. (Audra Caldwell, February 5, 2005)

            The overall manuscript changed very little from the original.  As stated above, the order of stanzas and the first line of the last stanza is all that changed.  I was fairly happy with the exchange process.  If I were to attempt this process again, however, I think I would have asked more people, probably five or six, to give feedback. 

The most frustrating part for me was waiting for the readers to respond.  I was impatient and nervous about what they might say.  It turned out that I had nothing to worry about.  They both made excellent suggestions.