LITR 3731: Creative Writing
Student Poetry Submission 2005
Karen Daniel
Final Draft:
Antique
Lace
Handkerchiefs,
scarves, costume jewelry.
Richly
framed portraits
of a
50’s debutante.
Carefully
preserved lace--
remembrances
of past revelry.
The
softly lingering,
almost
sensuous scent,
that
permeates clothing,
carefully
chosen,
once
cherished…
and a
comfort to us that are left behind.
But it's
not enough
to
portray the woman;
a
daughter, wife, mother,
grandmother,
and friend;
with
incessant vibrancy,
delicate
elegance.
Her
courage to fight for life
that was
found
in her
religious conviction,
and the
never ebbing
devotion
of my father…
in the
perfectly planned suburban life.
Holding
hands,
cuddling
on the couch.
Physical
proof
of the
strength
of the
marriage
of the
two,
Southern
Louisiana,
Catholic
school kids,
that
lasted forever,
growing
stronger…
and
ending much too soon.
Favorite
recipes
improperly
prepared at holidays.
Family
celebrations
lacking
luster
taken
for granted
in
wonderfully carefree
cozy
childhoods.
A life
relegated to antiquated articles,
cherished
and blended eternally
with
tender memories of our mother.
Revision Process:
I
got the idea for this poem after Bonnie and I had a discussion of things that
reminds us of our mothers and grandmothers that have passed away.
We were talking about things like smells and small articles and foods. I went to class afterwards and was still pondering this when
the first stanza sort of just formed in my mind and I wrote it down.
Later I added the second and fourth stanzas at home, but I still like the
first stanza the best. I actually surprised myself as I had not written a poem in 20
years and was surprised at how much I enjoyed doing it again.
I
first showed the poem to Bonnie and a few other students that are in some of my
Literature classes. They all liked
it a lot and said that it made them think of their families, in particular their
grandmothers. I then shared it with
Dr. Gorman to get his feedback, as he is an excellent resource for poetry.
He said that he liked it a lot, and that it had really good rhythm, but
suggested that I take some words out and switch the order of two of the phrases.
I did this before presenting it to the class.
When I sent my second draft to my respondent, she also liked it a lot but
was concerned about some of the words in it and stated that some people may not
understand the language. She also
liked the title I came up with but then later said she thought it was not
representative of the content of the poem.
She did state that having the same number of lines in each stanza showed
a lot of organization of thought about the person I was writing about, and Dr.
White said he was surprised that it was free form since it was so organized.
I thought a lot about this and really decided that I did not want it to
seem as though my thoughts were settled and organized because my memories and
feelings about my mother's death are not organized and settled.
That is one of the reasons I changed the structure of the stanzas.
The most common comments from the class were about word choice,
especially in the first line of the second stanza.
I changed this in an attempt to make it less abstract and clearer.
This stanza had the most changes in it.
I wanted to try to make it more real and less abstract.
I am not sure I accomplished this, and might change it more after getting
more feedback from classmates. I
also changed the first line in the last stanza to make it clearer and to develop
more consonance. No one in class
seemed to like the word "perpetually" in the last line, so I changed
that also. The most major change I
made was to add a new stanza to the poem after Dr. White suggested I bring in
some information about my parents relationship and background.
I also added the single lines in between the stanzas to try and bring the
stanzas together better. Since they
all address different aspects I thought this would help it to flow from one
point to another.
The
changes seemed to please the people who read it and most of them liked it
better. I am not sure that I am
done with this poem though. I think
the third (newest) stanza may need further development, and I may make some more
word changes. I have submitted the
second draft of this poem for publication in the Marrow but now wish I had
waited until the third version was finished as I like it a lot more after making
the changes the class suggested. I
am pretty happy with it overall but see myself making further changes to it
before I think it is done.
Original:
Handkerchiefs, scarves, and costume jewelry
Richly framed portraits of a 50’s debutante
Carefully preserved lace, remembrances of past revelry
The almost sensuous, softly lingering scent
that permeates clothing, once cherished, carefully chosen.
Insufficient representations of a woman,
a daughter, wife, Mother, Gran, and friend.
Incessant vibrancy tempering delicate elegance
Inspiring courage found in religious conviction
and the never ebbing devotion of my Father.
Favorite recipes inadequately prepared at holidays
Family celebrations lacking the luster taken for granted
in wonderfully carefree cozy childhoods.
A life relegated to antiquated articles, cherished
and blended perpetually with tender memories of our Mother.
First Revision:
Handkerchiefs, scarves, costume jewelry.
Richly framed portraits of a 50’s debutante.
Carefully preserved lace--remembrances of past revelry.
The softly lingering, almost sensuous scent
that permeates clothing, carefully chosen, once cherished
Insufficient representations of a woman;
a daughter, wife, mother, grandmother, and friend.
Incessant vibrancy, delicate elegance.
Courage found in religious conviction
and the never ebbing devotion of my father.
Favorite recipes inadequately prepared at holidays.
Family celebrations lacking luster taken for granted
in wonderfully carefree cozy childhoods.
A life relegated to antiquated articles, cherished
and blended perpetually with tender memories of our mother.