LITR 3731: Creative Writing
Student Poetry Submission 2005
Audra Caldwell
Final Manuscript:
Revision of Life
Like lingering in eternity
Just can’t wait to see--
A boy or girl
What will life have to unfurl.
Finally he emerged
Our blessing was here.
With changes to come,
Family and a joyful year.
Now a mother
No time for another,
What a lonely moment
With others all around.
Lose sight of sorrow--
Love completely blinds.
Manuscript 1:
Adjustments
Like waiting in eternity
When you just can’t wait to see
Will it be a boy or girl
What will life have to unfurl
Finally he arrived
Our blessing was here
With changes to come
Outlook for a joyful year
Now a mother
No time for another
What a lonely time
With others all around
Sorrow lost inside
Love completely covers
Manuscript 2:
Revision of Life
Like lingering in eternity
Just can’t wait to see--
A boy or girl
What will life have to unfurl
Finally emerged
Our blessing was here.
With changes to come,
Family and a joyful year.
Now a mother
No time for another,
What a lonely moment
Being left behind
Sorrow lost deep inside--
Love completely blinds
Original Email from Audra:
Andrea and Alissa,
I have attached my first and second draft of my poem. Do you mind giving me some advice or critique on what you think?
Thank you so much.
Audra
Reply from Andrea Cox:
Audra,
Your poem I can relate to. I have to beautiful daughters. I have two questions not critiques. Stanza three last two lines "what a lonely moment; being left behind"-who or what are you referring to. If you are implying the delivering of the child leaving you body I got it. If not then I am not sure I understand. And the last line is it supposed to be Love completely blinds or binds? You made me think of having both my children all over again especially my teenager. It made me feel the past all over again. Thank you for that reminder especially since tomorrow is her birthday. If it is okay with you I would like to add this with your name to my collection. I like the second revision the best by the way. It was GREAT!
Andrea
Response to Andrea:
Andrea,
I don't mind adding this to your collection. I'm assuming you were talking about the poem. But there are changes to come so I'm sure it will only get better if you want to wait I will email my final draft to you when I turn it in to Dr. White Thanks for the comments they were very helpful! When I was talking about loneliness, I was referring to the lack of understanding that other have on what a new mother goes through, and the loneliness that you can feel through that. Also, I meant blinds, like it blinds you of the loneliness, but I think I will change it to binds, because it actually makes more sense to what I was trying to portray. Thanks for the help.
Audra
Reply from Alissa Tupa:
Audra
I really like your poems---they are really sweet. When I read it, I could see you there holding your baby in your arms. I like the line in the second stanza in Adjustments that says "Finally he arrived" better than the line in the other one because it shows that the baby you were expecting was a boy. I also liked the line in the second stanza in Revision of Life that says "Family and a joyful year" better than the line in the other one. I also liked how it rhymed in some places and not in others. Overall, I think the poems were really good!
Alissa
Report:
The book suggested keeping a journal or notebook of ideas that came to mind or ideas and topics that were meaningful or interesting to you. Naturally, I am totally consumed by motherhood and baby right now so all the ideas were centered on family, love, and the arrival of our new baby. I started by thinking of change and the morph you go through during pregnancy and again postpartum. In my mind I related these changes to those that a caterpillar might go through when changing to a butterfly, or that a blossom goes through as it turns from a bud to a full blown flower. A few other nature related subjects came to mind, yet none of these made the cut in the final draft of the poem.
Once I felt comfortable, that the words on my paper actually formed a poem and made some sense, I mailed it to several classmates to get a reaction and some critiques, through email draft exchanges. The responses I received back were very helpful, and I believe I put them to good use when revising my poem and in building confidence in my own abilities as a beginning writer. Confidence boosting comments were made by my respondents such as, “I could feel you holding your baby in your arms as you were writing this poem” and “It brought back memories of new motherhood”. Another respondent explained back to me what she believed several of the lines in stanza three to be about; although, not to my surprise it was not what I was getting to at all. I was referring to the lack of understanding that others have on what a new mother goes through, and the loneliness that you can feel through that. While she came to the understanding that the loneliness was felt as you were left “empty” after delivery. After reviewing the poem again myself, I could see how she arrived to the conclusion she expressed. I chose not to change to lines of the poem to have more clarity to my original thought because I believe both thoughts to be rich with emotion and did not want to lose that. I also believe poetry to have many different meanings and emotions depending on the reader’s personal experience and background. Another response made was in regard to using the word “blinds” rather than “binds” in the last couplet. Honestly, using “binds” to express what love can do in a mothers heart never crossed my mind. I thought it would fit better to express the emotion and thought I was trying to portray so I used the respondents idea, until I changed the stanza once again and decided “blinds” truly is the correct word to fit the meaning. I had emailed two versions of the poem to the respondents. The second respondent read them both and expressed what she thought was good about each poem. By using her suggestions, I was able to combine the two poems and arrive with what I believe to be a much better work all around.
Future development of this poem is very likely. I do not think it embodies every emotion and experience I would like to express, however I was not sure how to fit it all together. As I improve and build confidence as a writer I intend on further developing this poem. The strength of this poem is the recollection of the past it allows the reader to embrace as it is read. However, the audience may be limited to only women who have experienced true motherhood. One thing I would change in my future writings would be the meter. I enjoy reading poetry that has a more consistent meter throughout. I tried to work this technique, but need much more practice and direction to use it in a work. I will continue this practice.
Copy of Final Manuscript:
Revision of Life
Like lingering in eternity
Just can’t wait to see--
Will it be a boy or girl
What will life have to unfurl.
Finally he emerged
Our blessing was here.
With changes to come,
Family and a joyful year.
Now a mother
No time for another,
What a lonely moment
With others all around.
Lose sight of sorrow--
Love completely blinds.