LITR 3731: Creative Writing
Student Poetry Submission 2005

Claire Butler

final draft 

Creation

This temple – This tent

Resistant receptacle of a father’s son,

Nourishes our creation with ancient wisdom

Tactile vibrations of baby inside

Engage the guardian within me

Submerged, he moves – an ambient dance,

Internal illustrations of life in the making

Cocooned in the warmth of internal structures,

He’s transforming from bud to bouquet  

Head, shoulders, knees and toes,

They grow a little more each day

He moves, he sleeps, he’s thriving inside

Nearing the end of his bodily formation

A life spawned of love,

Anxiously – we await the

Miraculous wonder of our creation

DRAFT EXCHANGES

Hey Claire!  Wow that poem was great... really.  I love the alliteration within the poem (internal illustrations, etc.)   Also, the thought of transforming from bud to bouquet, that is really beautiful.  This is a very spiritually charged poem and I received a positive feeling when I read it.  The only thing I can think of that may seem a problem is the language, sometimes the words seem a bit "scientific" like, but I don't think that is a bad thing, it fits.  I hope that helps shoot me back an email if you need anymore help.  Just wondering... are we just supposed to ask one person from class and the online student?  Just two feedbacks right?  Thanks so much.

See you tomorrow,

Bonnie 

Hi Claire!  

It took me a good while to figure out what your poem was about. I read the title and tried really hard to see how it fit creation. I looked up just about every word, because unfortunately and ironically, I don't have that grand of vocabulary. However, I now see what your poem is about--a baby in your womb. Duh! Silly me. Are you pregnant? I thought your poem was beautiful. The language and the flow was wonderful. I'm not sure what to suggest. The only thing I saw after reading it several times with the dictionary at hand, was the line that says, "Engage the guardian within me." Are you calling the baby "the guardian?" Is creation "the guardian?"  I don't know. It wasn't clear to me. I like the title because if the reader is like me, the title will definitely give the reader a focus and grasp on the meaning. Beautiful job! Let me know if you have any questions.

Sherry Mann  

POETRY REPORT / ACCOUNT

The moment we received the assignment to write a poem, I knew what it would be about. My husband and I are expecting a baby boy (Noah) at the end of May, and he consumes most of my thoughts already.

The start of the poem flowed easily, but I spent hours working on the end, and still I’m not satisfied. The opening line, “This temple, this tent” was referring to my body, and stemmed partly from a Jimmy Buffet song, where he states “You treat your body like a temple; I treat mine like a tent.” I  just felt like that was such a fitting analogy for pregnancy, because there are so many times you feel absolutely lousy, and not at all like yourself, yet your “temple” is creating this amazing thing – quite ironic.

After I received the input from Bonnie and Sherry, I realized I needed to change a bit of the wording because some things weren’t as easy to comprehend as they could be. I think some of the language may have created a flow problem as well.

I tried to focus on making the language more understandable, and less “scientific” as Bonnie suggested. I think the poem is much clearer now. It doesn’t maker the reader wonder what the intent is, therefore they are more able to read without any trepidation. With Bonnie and Sherry’s help, I was able to make the poem flow better, more understandable and clearer.

ORIGINAL FORM

Creation

By Claire Butler

This temple – This tent

Resistant receptacle of a father’s son,

Nourishes our creation with ancient wisdom

Tactile vibrations of an alien form

Engage the guardian within me

Submerged, he moves  – an ambient dance,

Internal illustrations of life in the making

Cocooned in the warmth of elastic structures,

He’s transforming from bud to bouquet 

Primal protector, alibi and foe.

Motherhood - This biological vocation

Requires a new mask every day

Daily, he grows, thriving inside

Nearing the end of his bodily formation

A life spawned of love,

Anxiously, we await the

Miraculous wonder of our creation