LITR 3731 Creative Writing

Online Student 2005

Week of March 28th.

Responding to Webpage

            After reading this week, I had to go back and really look at my writing. I used a lot of dialog in my story and I was hoping it really sounded as if people were talking naturally and having a conversation. I think I did a pretty good job, however I did change a few things. After sending out my story the last time the responses came back heavily critiquing the information found in these chapters. I tried to fix these by making my characters more reputable and working on my dialogue found in my story.

            I have read all of the submissions for the reader respondent on line. I can honestly say… I think a few of us watch entirely too much CSI: Crime Scene Investigates, on television.

Communicating with online student

Alyssa was the online student to respond with me this week. She and I not only communicate over email but by phone as well. Of course, class isn’t all we talk about. Anyways, she has communicated that the works are amazing for a class of developing writers. And I must say after finding out the students were acting out plays in class, I’m a little bummed. I think that would be fun to watch and get a feel for how people can interpret another’s writing.

My Work in Progress

I finished my short story last week and sent it out to be critiqued. It was nice to see what others thought of the story. I have made a few changes due to the comments, but it is still a work in progress and I am contemplating on changing the ending.  

Memories

June enjoyed her morning ritual, at exactly 5:45 a.m.  she woke up, put on her fluffy, red terrycloth robe, raised all the curtains to let the maximum amount of sunlight into the house, and went to the kitchen to prepare lunches for her small family. After the hustle and bustle of the early morning was over and everyone was off for the day, June fixed herself a large cup of coffee and went out onto the back deck to take in some fresh air and wildlife before beginning her busy schedule.

This particular morning June was giggling at the squirrels chasing each other in the trees above her when the phone rang. A quaint smile came across June’s lips; she already knew who it was. Three nights ago a young man had come to their home to ask June and Dustin for their daughter’s hand in marriage. Mabel had left for college three years ago and quickly fell in love with Dan. June and her husband knew it would only be a matter of time before the two of them would be sharing a life together. The night Dan had visited he had shared his plans to pop the question on the upcoming Sunday night, so when Monday rolled around June expected to get a call from a very excited Mabel. 

Before June could even get out a greeting she heard a very ecstatic voice on the other end, “Mom, you will never believe what news I have for you!”

“What news is that, honey?” June answered, knowing good and well what news Mabel had, but not wanting to ruin her moment.

Quickly Mabel responded, “Well, last night Dan surprised me with a candle light picnic at the city park. There was a quilt, soft music and dancing in the moonlight for hours. Mom, it was so romantic…”

June was so excited for her daughter, but as Mabel continued to share her perfect evening, June just couldn’t help but let her mind drift off to the night her first love, Paul, had dropped to one knee and asked for her hand in marriage. Paul knew how much June loved nature, and had planned a romantic weekend camping in the mountains. They drove the short trip to the cabin he had rented and quickly unpacked their things to allow for enough time for a stroll through the woods. June remembered being so surprised that Paul knew her so well to bring her to such a perfect weekend destination. As June continued to fall back into the memory she could almost smell the sweet mountain breeze that surrounded them as they had walked that evening.

All of a sudden a flash of horror came over June’s face and she gasped, but was quickly brought back to reality.

“Mom! Mom? Are you there? Hello, Mom? What’s going on?” Mabel questioned.

“Nothing, honey. I’m fine. Now tell me more about your wonderful night with Dan.” June assured.

Mabel continued her story, but June wasn’t fine. Her mind quickly drifted off again, not to the wonderful weekend she had been thinking of before, but instead to the terrible night that often haunted her dreams. June and Paul had been dating for three years and engaged for six months when she began to notice a change in Paul. The kind, sincere, man she had fallen in love with had become quite defensive and anxious. As her memories became more vivid, June felt the same disturbing feeling in her gut as she had the night it all came to a climax and June began to cry.

“Mother, I know you are not fine! Tell me what is going on? Is it Dan or the engagement? Mom, just be honest with me, what is going on?” a concerned Mabel pleaded.

June had almost forgot she was holding the phone, “Honey, I am so excited for you and Dan. I know you are going to have a wonderful life together and…”

“Mom, don’t try to pull one over on me. I can tell you are upset, so spill” Mabel said indignantly.

June knew she wasn’t going to get out of this conversation without telling her daughter the truth.

“Mabel, do you think you can come over and we will talk about this over some coffee?” June asked.

“I’ll be right there.” Mabel said as she hung up the phone.

Thirty minutes later, Mabel was sitting at the kitchen table looking eagerly into her mother’s face waiting to hear what had upset her so much on the phone.  June knew she had to tell Mabel the truth, so she began her story. 

“Mabel, you know your father wasn’t’ my first love, right?” June asked.

“Of course, you have told me about Paul, the man you were engaged to before Dad, but he died in a car wreck, right? Is that what this is all about?” Mabel questioned.

“Well, I was not completely honest with you. I have never shared with you the whole story.” June stated.  June began to tell Mabel about the change in attitude that had come over Paul, and the confusion and disturbances she constantly felt.  She continued to tell Mabel that she had told Paul she could not marry a man who acted the way he did and broken off the engagement. June paused as her mind continued to wonder deeper and deeper into the awful memory.  June began to tell Mabel everything that took place the night she broke off her engagement with Paul.

“Paul was really mad when he left the house and I began to worry about him so I left to go look for him.” June continued.

June remembered every detail of that night, she continued to tell Mabel how she looked for Paul at his apartment, his favorite bar, his parents’ house, but never could find him.

“And then it happened…” June began to cry. “I had given up on finding him and decided to go home and try calling him in the morning after he had time to cool off. Mabel, I was really upset and I guess I wasn’t paying enough attention to the road.” By this time June was sobbing so hard Mabel could hardly understand her mother.

“Mabel, all of a sudden something was in the middle of the road and I didn’t see it in time. It was Paul. I hit him with my car and he died instantly.” June finished.

Mabel didn’t know what to think,

June’s gut was whirling in agony for what she had to tell her daughter next.  “Mabel, that isn’t all I have to tell you.” June said. She took a deep breath and blurted out, “Paul is actually your real father.”

There was a long pause as Mabel looked deeply into her coffee mug, as if there was a hidden message inside.

“Mother”, Mabel said, “Why are you telling me this now?”

June looked at her daughter and in a meek voice, she said, “Because as you are forming your own family and finding yourself as an adult I just thought you should know the truth and yes, Dad knows about Paul and he knows I am telling you. I thought you needed to know who you really were to carry into your new life with Dan.”

There the truth was out. June finally felt a sense of relief, until she looked up and saw the look in her daughter’s eyes. June had never seen such a glassy stare and she wondered what was going through Mabel’s mind.

Mabel didn’t even know what was going through her mind. All she knew was that she was enraged at the idea of living a lie for the last 22 years. She couldn’t seem to get a handle on the reality that her mother had just revealed to her and she honestly didn’t want to. The perfect family, the perfect childhood, the perfect lie; it was all out and Mabel just wanted it to all go away. All of a sudden Mabel jumped up from her chair and ran upstairs to her parent’s room. She knew exactly where they kept it and she had no doubt in her mind what she had to do.

June followed after her and as she opened the door she felt an excruciating pain in her side.

Mabel’s life as she knew it was over in one blast. She stepped over her mother’s body, walked down the stairs, out the front door into a life alone. A life she had never dreamed of before.