LITR 3731: Creative Writing
Student Fiction Submission 2005

(final version)

Daniel Davis

Colorado Drive

“I can’t sleep and if we wait till tomorrow we waste a whole day!” John said as his friends unrolled their sleeping bags on the floor of an Abilene motel.

“Come on man!” said Tim, already zipped into his nylon cocoon, “We’ve been driving all day, its 12:30 in the morning…..need sleepy”

“You guys are pansies – I’ll even drive till the sun comes up, you can sleep in the car.  I just need one person to stay up with me.”

A brief silence… “I’ll do it, lets go” said Billy, reversing his bedding plans by beginning the painful process of rolling those impossible sleeping bags back up. Billy had always been that guy.  Up for anything with the boys.

“That’s my boy! Come on guys, use the can and get your stuff, we’re going to Colorado!  Just like old times.” John walked over and kicked Tim in the side. He was already half asleep.

“Man…you guys are retarded.” He moaned as he got up, knowing his ride was leaving with or without him.

            So the three of them, who had been friends since before they could remember made their way to the car, loaded as much as they could in the trunk and squeezed the rest in the back.  The sun had set hours ago on the flat-lined horizon of Texas, but they were just beginning the second leg of their journey back to the paradise of their youth. 

“I am ready to see mountains,” John said pulling out of the parking lot with a speed that reflected his fervor.

“Me too, it’s been way too long,” said Billy, settling in, obviously excited, but quiet.

“How about you Tim?”

            No answer, he was already asleep in the back, curled up like a fat cat in a shoebox, looking remarkably comfortable considering the space. Tim was a constant friend, always loyal and honest, and the guy could sleep anywhere.

“I’m glad you’re here man,” said John, hitting Billy on the leg.  “I miss hanging out.” He knew these last few years hadn’t been easy on Billy, everyone it seemed everyone hit fast forward on life, getting married, getting “real” jobs, and he was stuck watching reruns.  That’s why he had planned this trip back to the mountains.  Billy needed to know they were still there for him.

            Colorado was more than a vacation spot, but it wasn’t really home either, it never was.  It was more like one of those gas stations on I-10 in the desert that you know you had better stop at to get gas, because you won’t have the chance again till you’re stranded. Colorado broke the monotony, sure, but it did more than that, it made the lifelines jump a little higher for those weeks they spent there in the summers from seventh grade to junior year. 

            Not two CD changes had happened until John realized he was the only one left awake.  Billy had made an effort, but at 3am, anyone is tired.  John sat in the driver’s seat, wide eyed, perplexed, but slightly amused at how he could lay awake at night, with his wife in their king sized bed, counting the hours until he thoughtfully found sleep. But at any moment he felt as though sleep would chase him down this quiet highway in the Texas panhandle.  Maybe it was the song of the road; the hum of the engine every so often accompanied with the percussion of reflectors, or as John liked to call them, road brail. 

            It had been a while since he had made this drive, but all the turns rise up in his memory, unfolding nostalgia from the fabric of time. Can it really have been three years since we’ve done this? It seems like a week ago! But time is funny that way, it moves slower than the eye can see, but faster than the heart can know. His eyes drifted past his own hand resting on the steering wheel to land on his wedding ring. So much has changed, he thought has it only been three years?  

            As John fought the dreams from creeping into his mind, a familiar stench crept into his nose. 

“Tim!  Geez man!  Put a cork in it!” he said, rolling down all four windows from his driver’s seat control center. 

            The cold air shook them all out of their drowsiness.  They were already in New Mexico, they could tell by the change in temperature. It’s strange the closer you get to the sun, the colder it gets.

“Man Tim!  What did you eat?! Oh…my eyes are watering man!” Billy laughed as he stuck his head out of the window.

He sat up groggily, “Are we finally out of that God forsaken hole called Texas?

“Yeah man, we’re near mountains. You can’t see them, but it’s good to know they’re there.” John replied. Something in his voice had changed with the temperature.

They all strained to find the line where the mountains hid the sky, but this was a black night

“Man… this isn’t going to be the same is it?” said Billy, as though something clicked.  “I mean, three years ago, things were normal, you know.  When did we all grow up?  We’re still the same, but we’re not, you know.” He had been looking forward to this trip all year, but something was wrong.

Tim picked up on Billy’s trailing thought as if something in all of their minds was finding a voice for the first time, “Yeah, I mean three years ago this would have been it for me!  Colorado.  I can’t really figure out what happened but I know as soon as we get settled in up there, I going to want to be home.”  Tim had already spent the first half of the trip either on the phone with his fiancé or grading papers. “I mean life’s back there…”

Billy sank back in his seat as if heavier.

“Well that’s what’s weird, I love the place in Colorado, but I don’t feel like I need it anymore, you know?” said John, as if he was just figuring it out. “That’s where we got recharged, but it seems like now we’ve all found out how to do that without a 17 hour drive.”

Silence slipped into the car, but nobody noticed, each was busy with their own thoughts.  Miles passed by, and out of the passenger side windows, they could see the first signs that morning was coming. 

“I wasn’t ready for this!”  Billy said with passion that seemed to surprise himself as he awoke from a dizzying maze of thought. “I don’t want things to be like this, and it pisses me off. You guys say you don’t need this anymore, but I do. And I feel like you guys have passed me up. Not on purpose, but you have. What am I supposed to do?”

The purple sky swallowed up the question. It wasn’t one any of them could answer.  But the road went on beneath them and in minutes the sun shed its first light on what they all had been longing to see.  Mountains.  They had been driving through them for hours, they could tell because some of them were shrinking in the rearview.  It just took driving through the night.

Draft Exchange Report:

            This is the first class in which I have been required to do a draft exchange, and it has been a very profitable experience for me.  Similarly, this is the first time I have written a fiction piece.  The idea came from my past mostly, but the actual story had more to do with the present.  My friends and I went to Colorado every summer between seventh grade and junior year (as the story suggests). My mom and stepfather own thirty-five acres on the side of the Sangre de Cristo mountain range. It was paradise, we built our lives around that trip.  But over the last three years or so we haven’t gotten to go, and if we did, it was just a weekend or something too short to register in long-term memory. 

            Since high school we have all grown up and moved on.  I don’t see those friends very often any more.  One friend however has fought hard against the changing tide, Billy.  He was just supposed to be a supporting role, but I feel like he took over there at the end.  I was actually in dialogue with Billy through much of the writing of this story. From our discussion and a bit of artistic license, I wrote what a drive to Colorado would be like if my two closest friends and I ventured out to relive the days of our youth. 

            I didn’t know where it would go, and my first paragraphs written ended up in the middle of the story.  It grew legs and took the story where I didn’t really intend, but thoroughly enjoyed.  I am sure that I will continue to polish this story, and am encouraged to keep writing. 

            Sherry Mann wrote this in response to my story:

I see that you are using the phrase that the mountains are “shrinking in the rearview” to sort of reflect their relationship. It seems that you are trying to use mountains as a symbol in that aspect. You could describe the physical aspect of the mountains in such a way (in perhaps one sentence) that also reflects the relationship of the boys. That’s just a suggestion.

            I highlighted some phrases and sentences in blue where you had really good descriptions, or I just simply liked it. I could have highlighted all of it, but I my favorite parts. There are a few grammar mistakes in there. Just read it aloud and mark as you go. I marked a few, but I figured I should focus on your content rather than the grammar aspect.

            I made a few suggestions throughout your paper. I really liked your story. I think it’s pretty universal in how we all have to go in our own directions when we hit adulthood. All we have left is memories, and our old friends are usually still there, but something always feels like it’s missing.

Tara Orr wrote this in response to my story:

Daniel,

            First of all, I really liked the story.  There is poignancy and a bit of melancholy without being over dramatic.  Very nice.  I think it strikes a chord with me because lately I’ve been having some of those same feelings with old friends myself.  I guess as children we never know that growing up brings pain with the pleasure.  It just took me a little longer (I’m a few years older than 22) to realize I grew up. 

            For a first time attempt at fiction, you did very well.  Much better than I did.  Like I said, the story overall was well thought out and kept a good pace.  Grammatically there were a couple of errors and there were some tense agreement problems.  The only other thing that caught my eye was word choice.  For the most part the guys are speaking very laid back to each other and in a couple of spots you had them using slightly formal language, like “I am” instead of “I’m.” 

One question.  Why does John find it hard to sleep?  It may just be that he needs little sleep, but the way you phrase it in connection with sleeping near his wife makes me wonder if it is something more.

All the suggestions I’ve made are in red on your story.  Take them with a grain of salt.  I enjoyed it.

                                                                                                      Tara

I appreciate both of their comments, opinions and encouragement.  The story would not have been any kind of success if it hadn’t been for their suggestions.  My story had several loose ends that I would never have tied down if they had not pointed them out.  The process of revision based on peer reviews is a challenging one. I never really let people read what I write.  But it felt good to know that these two are in the same boat as I am and thus relieved some pressure. 
            If I were to do this story over I think I would have done a little more planning on where I wanted the story to go. As I said, it seemed to grow legs from time to time and I had to take out some substantial chunks of it because it wasn’t leading anywhere relevant.  Also, I will definitely continue to have my stories/poems etc reviewed by my peers as I have overcome my fear of academic intimacy.

Respectfully submitted,

Daniel Davis

(original submission)

Daniel Davis

Colorado Drive

“I can’t sleep and if we wait till tomorrow we waste a whole day!” John said as his friends unrolled their sleeping bags on the floor of an Abilene motel.

“Come on man!” said Tim, already zipped into his nylon cocoon, “We’ve been driving all day, its 12:30 in the morning…..need sleepy”

“You guys are pansies – I’ll even drive till the sun comes up, you can sleep in the car.  I just need one person to stay up with me.”

A brief silence… “I’ll do it, lets go” said Billy, reversing his bedding plans by beginning the painful process of rolling those impossible sleeping bags back up. Billy had always been that guy.  Up for anything with the boys.

“That’s my boy! Come on guys, use the can and get your stuff, we’re going to Colorado!  Just like old times.” John walked over and kicked Tim in the side. He was already half asleep.

“Man…you guys are retarded.” He moaned as he got up, knowing his ride was leaving with or without him.

            So the three of them, who had been friends since before they could remember made their way to the car, loaded as much as they could in the trunk and squeezed the rest in the back.  The sun had set hours ago on the flat-lined horizon of Texas, but they were just beginning the second leg of their journey back to the paradise of their youth. 

“I am ready to see mountains,” John said pulling out of the parking lot with a speed that reflected his fervor.

“Me too, it’s been way too long,” said Billy, settling in, obviously excited, but quiet.

“How about you Tim?”

            No answer, he was already asleep in the back, curled up like a fat cat in a shoebox, looking remarkably comfortable considering the space.

“I’m glad you’re here man,” said John, hitting Billy on the leg.  “I miss hanging out.” He knew these last few years hadn’t been easy on Billy, everyone it seemed everyone hit fast forward on life, getting married, getting “real” jobs,  and he was stuck watching reruns.  That’s why he had planned this trip back to the mountains.  Billy needed to know they were still there for him.

            Colorado was more than a vacation spot, but it wasn’t really home either, it never was.  It was more like one of those gas stations on I-10 in the desert that you know you had better stop at to get gas, because you won’t have the chance again till you’re stranded. Colorado broke the monotony, sure, but it did more than that, it made the lifelines jump a little higher for those weeks they spent there in the summers from seventh grade to junior year. 

            Not two CD changes had happened until John realized he was the only one left awake.  Billy had made an effort, but at 3am, anyone is tired.  John sat in the driver’s seat, wide eyed, perplexed, but slightly amused at how he could lay awake at night, with his wife in their king sized bed, counting the hours until he thoughtfully found sleep. But at any moment he felt as though sleep would chase him down this quiet highway in the Texas panhandle.  Maybe it was the song of the road; the hum of the engine every so often accompanied with the percussion of reflectors, or as John liked to call them, road brail. 

            It had been a while since he had made this drive, but all the turns rise up in his memory, unfolding nostalgia from the fabric of time. Can it really have been three years since we’ve done this? It seems like a week ago! But time is funny that way, it moves slower than the eye can see, but faster than the heart can know. His eyes drifted past his own hand resting on the steering wheel to land on his wedding ring. So much has changed, he thought has it only been three years?  

            As John fought the dreams from creeping into his mind, a familiar stench crept into his nose. 

“Tim!  Geez man!  Put a cork in it!” he said, rolling down all four windows from his driver’s seat control center. 

            The cold air shook them all out of their drowsiness.  They were already in New Mexico, they could tell by the change in temperature. It’s strange the closer you get to the sun, the colder it gets.

“Man Tim!  You still do that in your sleep! You’re twenty two bro…..twenty two” Billy laughed as he stuck his head out of the window.

He sat up groggily, “Are we finally out of that God forsaken hole called Texas?

“Yeah man, we’re near mountains. You can’t see them, but it’s good to know they’re there.” John replied. Something in his voice had changed with the temperature.

They all strained to find a hole in the horizon, but this was a black night

“Man… this isn’t going to be the same is it?” said Billy, as though something clicked.  “I mean, three years ago, things were normal, you know.  When did we all grow up?  We’re still the same, but we’re not, you know.” He had been looking forward to this trip all year, but something was wrong.

Tim picked up on Billy’s trailing thought as if something in all of their minds was finding a voice for the first time, “Yeah, I mean three years ago this would have been it for me!  Colorado.  I can’t really figure out what happened but I know as soon as we get settled in up there, I going to want to be home.”  Tim had already spent the first half of the trip either on the phone with his fiancé or grading papers. “I mean life’s back there…”

Billy sank back in his seat as if heavier.

“Well that’s what’s weird, I love the place in Colorado, but I don’t feel like I need it anymore, you know?” said John, as if he was just figuring it out. “That’s where we got recharged, but it seems like now we’ve all found out how to do that without a 17 hour drive.”

Silence slipped into the car, but nobody noticed, each was busy with their own thoughts.  Miles passed by, and out of the passenger side windows, they could see the first signs that morning was coming. 

“I wasn’t ready for this!”  Billy said with passion that seemed to surprise himself as he awoke from a dizzying maze of thought. “I don’t want things to be like this, and it pisses me off. You guys say you don’t need this anymore, but I do. And I feel like you guys have passed me up. Not on purpose, but you have. What am I supposed to do?”

The purple sky swallowed up the question. It wasn’t one any of them could answer.  But the road went on beneath them and in minutes the sun shed its first light on what they all had been longing to see.  Mountains.  They had been driving through them for hours, they could tell because some of them were shrinking in the rearview.  It just took driving through the night.

Draft Exchange Report:

            This is the first class in which I have been required to do a draft exchange, and it has been a very profitable experience for me.  Similarly, this is the first time I have written a fiction piece.  The idea came from my past mostly, but the actual story had more to do with the present.  My friends and I went to Colorado every summer between seventh grade and junior year (as the story suggests). My mom and stepfather own thirty-five acres on the side of the Sangre de Cristo mountain range. It was paradise, we built our lives around that trip.  But over the last three years or so we haven’t gotten to go, and if we did, it was just a weekend or something too short to register in long-term memory. 

            Since high school we have all grown up and moved on.  I don’t see those friends very often any more.  One friend however has fought hard against the changing tide, Billy.  He was just supposed to be a supporting role, but I feel like he took over there at the end.  I was actually in dialogue with Billy through much of the writing of this story. From our discussion and a bit of artistic license, I wrote what a drive to Colorado would be like if my two closest friends and I ventured out to relive the days of our youth. 

            I didn’t know where it would go, and my first paragraphs written ended up in the middle of the story.  It grew legs and took the story where I didn’t really intend, but thoroughly enjoyed.  I am sure that I will continue to polish this story, and am encouraged to keep writing. 

            Sherry Mann wrote this in response to my story:

I see that you are using the phrase that the mountains are “shrinking in the rearview” to sort of reflect their relationship. It seems that you are trying to use mountains as a symbol in that aspect. You could describe the physical aspect of the mountains in such a way (in perhaps one sentence) that also reflects the relationship of the boys. That’s just a suggestion.

            I highlighted some phrases and sentences in blue where you had really good descriptions, or I just simply liked it. I could have highlighted all of it, but I my favorite parts. There are a few grammar mistakes in there. Just read it aloud and mark as you go. I marked a few, but I figured I should focus on your content rather than the grammar aspect.

            I made a few suggestions throughout your paper. I really liked your story. I think it’s pretty universal in how we all have to go in our own directions when we hit adulthood. All we have left is memories, and our old friends are usually still there, but something always feels like it’s missing.

Tara Orr wrote this in response to my story:

Daniel,

            First of all, I really liked the story.  There is poignancy and a bit of melancholy without being over dramatic.  Very nice.  I think it strikes a chord with me because lately I’ve been having some of those same feelings with old friends myself.  I guess as children we never know that growing up brings pain with the pleasure.  It just took me a little longer (I’m a few years older than 22) to realize I grew up. 

            For a first time attempt at fiction, you did very well.  Much better than I did.  Like I said, the story overall was well thought out and kept a good pace.  Grammatically there were a couple of errors and there were some tense agreement problems.  The only other thing that caught my eye was word choice.  For the most part the guys are speaking very laid back to each other and in a couple of spots you had them using slightly formal language, like “I am” instead of “I’m.” 

One question.  Why does John find it hard to sleep?  It may just be that he needs little sleep, but the way you phrase it in connection with sleeping near his wife makes me wonder if it is something more.

All the suggestions I’ve made are in red on your story.  Take them with a grain of salt.  I enjoyed it.

                                                                                                      Tara

I appreciate both of their comments, opinions and encouragement.  The story would not have been any kind of success if it hadn’t been for their suggestions.  My story had several loose ends that I would never have tied down if they had not pointed them out.  The process of revision based on peer reviews is a challenging one. I never really let people read what I write.  But it felt good to know that these two are in the same boat as I am and thus relieved some pressure. 
            If I were to do this story over I think I would have done a little more planning on where I wanted the story to go. As I said, it seemed to grow legs from time to time and I had to take out some substantial chunks of it because it wasn’t leading anywhere relevant.  Also, I will definitely continue to have my stories/poems etc reviewed by my peers as I have overcome my fear of academic intimacy.

Respectfully submitted,

Daniel Davis