LITR 3731: Creative Writing
Student Fiction Submission 2005

Audra Caldwell

Memories

June had always enjoyed her morning ritual, and today, as always, she woke up, put on her fluffy, red terrycloth robe, raised all the curtains to let the maximum amount of sunlight into the house, and went to the kitchen to fix her self a large cup of coffee. Then she went out onto the back deck to take in some fresh air and wildlife before beginning her daily routine of errands, shopping, and housework.

This particular morning June was giggling at the squirrels chasing each other in the trees above her when the phone rang. A quaint smile came across June’s lips; she already knew who it was. Three nights ago a young man had come to their home to ask June and Dustin for their daughter’s hand in marriage. Mabel had left for college three years ago and quickly fell in love with Dan. June and her husband knew it would only be a matter of time before the two of them would be sharing a life together. The night Dan had visited he had shared his plans to pop the question on the upcoming Sunday night, so when Monday rolled around June expected to get a call from a very excited Mabel. 

Before June could even get out a greeting she heard a very ecstatic voice on the other end, “Mom, you will never believe what news I have for you!”

“What news is that, honey?” June answered, knowing good and well what news Mabel had, but not wanting to ruin her moment.

Quickly Mabel responded, “Well, last night Dan surprised me with a candle light picnic at the city park. There was a quilt, soft music and dancing in the moonlight for hours. Mom, it was so romantic…”

June was so excited for her daughter, but as Mabel continued to share her perfect evening, June just couldn’t help but let her mind drift off to the night her first love, Paul, had dropped to one knee and asked for her hand in marriage. Paul knew how much June loved the outdoors, and had planned a romantic weekend camping in the mountains. They drove the short trip to the cabin he had rented and quickly unpacked their things to allow for enough time for a stroll through the woods. June remembered being so surprised that Paul knew her so well to bring her to such a perfect weekend destination. As June continued to fall back into the memory she could almost smell the sweet mountain breeze that surrounded them as they had walked that evening.

Suddenly, a flash of horror came over June’s face and she gasped, but was quickly brought back to reality.

“Mom! Mom? Are you there? Hello, Mom? What’s going on?” Mabel questioned.

“Nothing, honey. I’m fine. Now tell me more about your wonderful night with Dan.” June assured.

Mabel continued her story, but June wasn’t fine. Her mind quickly drifted off again, not to the wonderful weekend she had been thinking of before, but instead to the terrible night that often haunted her dreams. June and Paul had been dating for three years and engaged for six months when she began to notice a change in Paul. The kind, sincere, man she had fallen in love with had become quite defensive and anxious. As her memories became more vivid, June felt the same disturbing feeling in her gut as she had the night it all came to a climax and June began to cry.

“Mother, I know you are not fine! Tell me what is going on? Is it Dan or the engagement? Mom, just be honest with me, what is going on?” a concerned Mabel pleaded.

June had almost forgotten she was holding the phone, “Honey, I am so excited for you and Dan. I know you are going to have a wonderful life together and…”

“Mom, don’t try to pull one over on me. I can tell you are upset, so spill” Mabel said indignantly.

June knew she wasn’t going to get out of this conversation without telling her daughter the truth.

“Mabel, do you think you can come over and we will talk about this over some coffee?” June asked.

“I’ll be right there.” Mabel said as she hung up the phone.

Thirty minutes later, Mabel was sitting at the kitchen table looking eagerly into her mother’s face waiting to hear what had upset her so much on the phone.  June knew she had to tell Mabel the truth, so she began her story. 

“Mabel, you know your father wasn’t’ my first love, right?” June asked.

“Of course, you have told me about Paul, the man you were engaged to before Dad, but he died in a car wreck, right? Is that what this is all about?” Mabel questioned.

“Well, I was not completely honest with you. I have never shared with you the whole story.” June stated.  June began to tell Mabel about the change in attitude that had come over Paul, and the confusion and disturbances she constantly felt.  She continued to tell Mabel that she had told Paul she could not marry a man who acted the way he did and broken off the engagement. June paused as her mind continued to wander deeper and deeper into the awful memory.  June began to tell Mabel everything that took place the night she broke off her engagement with Paul.

“Paul was really mad when he left the house and I began to worry about him so I left to go look for him.” June continued.

June remembered every detail of that night. She continued to tell Mabel how she looked for Paul at his apartment, his favorite bar, his parents’ house, but never could find him.

“And then it happened…” June began to cry. “I had given up on finding him and decided to go home and try calling him in the morning after he had time to cool off. Mabel, I was really upset and I guess I wasn’t paying enough attention to the road.” By this time June was sobbing so hard Mabel could hardly understand her mother.

“Mabel, all of a sudden something was in the middle of the road and I didn’t see it in time. It was Paul. I hit him with my car and he died instantly.” June finished.

Mabel didn’t know what to think,

June’s gut was whirling in agony for what she had to tell her daughter next.  “Mabel, that isn’t all I have to tell you.” June said. She took a deep breath and blurted out, “Paul is actually your real father.”

There was a long pause as Mabel looked deeply into her coffee mug, as if there was a hidden message inside.

“Mother”, Mabel said, “Why are you telling me this now?”

June looked at her daughter and in a meek voice, she said, “Because as you are forming your own family and finding yourself as an adult I just thought you should know the truth and yes, Dad knows about Paul and he knows I am telling you. I thought you needed to know who you really were to carry into your new life with Dan.”

There. The truth was out. June finally felt a sense of relief, until she looked up and saw the look in her daughter’s eyes. June had never seen such a glassy stare and she wondered what was going through Mabel’s mind.

Mabel didn’t even know what was going through her mind. All she knew was that she was enraged at the idea of living a lie for the last 22 years. She couldn’t seem to get a handle on the reality that her mother had just revealed to her and she honestly didn’t want to. The perfect family, the perfect childhood, the perfect lie; it was all out and Mabel just wanted it to all go away. All of a sudden Mabel jumped up from her chair and ran upstairs to her parent’s room. She knew exactly where they kept it and she had no doubt in her mind what she had to do.

June followed after her and as she opened the door she felt an excruciating pain in her side. It was the point of a gun jabbed in her side by her own daughter.

Mabel’s mind was racing with hate and irrational thoughts, and June panicked. She had never anticipated this reaction from Mabel.

“Sweetheart”, said June, “don’t do something you will regret. I never meant to hurt you. I just thought…”

“Thought what mother? That you should take away all my happiness, all my memories; it’s all a lie.” Mabel screamed.

Mabel’s life as she knew it was over in one blast. She stepped over her mother’s body, walked down the stairs, out the front door into a life alone. A life she had never dreamed of before.

Original Email from Audra:

Please respond back to me with your comments. I really need the input!

Thanks, Audra

Reply from Andrea: (attached to email is her critiques done within the story)

Audra, Great plot and great climax.  The pace was clear and precise and keeps the reader’s attention.  You didn't lose me with the story just had a little confusion.  I italicized the things that you might want to review and Bolded ideas that might help.  Believe it or not very few things did I catch.  I think the ending needs some clarification such as what led to her murdering her mother.  Did she already have emotional problems, did she hate her mother to begin with, etc.  I know a lot of people that are adopted, never been told, or told late and murder was not an option.  DON'T change your ending though because I love it and I want more. 

Remember these are just suggestions and I have had plenty and believe it or not have changed what they suggested or added. 

The characters (except for June) could use more description especially if you are going to lead up to why Mabel murdered her mother.  Keep the pace and add more details and you have it made.

Response from Devon:

I am sure that you have probably changed your story a lot since you sent it to me…I am thinking the draft exchanges are due on the 4^th, with the fiction piece! 

I think your first paragraph would flow more smoothly if you said something like “June had always enjoyed her morning ritual, and today, as always, she woke up…”.  Or something like that.  I also got confused by the “preparing lunches” because there is only a brief mention of her husband and her kids seem grown.  I love the imagery of letting in the sunlight because I love doing that in the morning!! 

What does June do and why is her schedule so hectic?  Perhaps you could throw in a sentence about the rest of her daily schedule.  The first two paragraphs just need a little bit more info about June and her family (at least I think so) to give us more of a sense of who June is now.  We only find out about June’s past.

Your third paragraph sucked me in.  I really wanted to know about the young man and her daughter, then about June’s secret.  It was exciting.  I really liked the way you had her daughter talking, and June tuning out and focusing on her own thoughts and memories. 

Perhaps you could use another word for nature in “Paul knew how much June loved nature”…maybe change it to “the outdoors” or something.  Minor detail!

I also liked your name choices, they seem more traditional and old-fashioned, the kind of names you would hear if you lived somewhere around woods and wildlife. 

June remembered every detail of that night, she continued to tell Mabel how she looked for Paul at his apartment, his favorite bar, his parents’ house, but never could find him.   Maybe put a period after night.  Then start with She continued…

as her mind continued to wonder deeper and deeper into the awful memory.  I am not sure about this b/c it could work both ways…do you want her to wonder or wander?  I pictured her wandering through her memories as if it were a dense forest.

There the truth was out.  Maybe just say “The truth was out”.  Or “There, the truth was out.”  Or “There.  The truth was out.”  Like I said, you have probably changed it so much since you sent it to me!

She heard the door open and it was over in one blast.  I didn’t understand who heard the door open, b/c you were talking about Mabel, but I think you meant June heard the door open.  

The ending was very sudden and I wanted to know more, but I am always wanting more from movies, books, music, everything!  It would be nice to have a longer ending, though I have no idea how to do it.  Mabel and June seemed to have a very good relationship for Mabel to freak out that way.  Maybe in the next chapter, June magically comes back to life and calls an ambulance to pick her up.  It’s really sad that Mabel would want to ruin her own happiness by killing her mother.  I understand being angry…but goodness!  Maybe you could have Mabel threaten her mother with the gun or something, screaming at her…a more emotional reaction.  She seemed so cold when she shot her.  I would like to know more of what every character was feeling.   It is such a sad story, but you had me wanting to read all the way to the end.  Great short story, held my interest.  Later, Devon

Response from Alyssa:

I really like your story.  It was really unpredictable---it shocked the crap out of me twice.  First, when she said that Paul was Mabel's father and then when Mabel killed her mother.  When I finished reading it I laughed.  Not because I thought it was funny or dumb, but because it just really surprised me!  I really did not expect that to be the ending.  Maybe the last paragraph should be split into two because you have both of their thoughts in one paragraph and it kind of confused me for a second.  That is the only thing that I can think of to tell you.  Your story is really good.  It was different than what I expected when you told me what it was about the other day.

Response from Audra to all three girls:

Thank you for taking the time to read my story and reply with your input. The comments were very helpful and put to good use.

 ~Audra

Report:

            I did not feel like an in depth response back to the readers was necessary, but I used every single comment and thought to better my story. One of the repetitive comments that the girls had was the incredibly shocking ending. One comment explained that it just didn’t make sense because Mabel did not seem violent or unstable. I tried to soften this shock through dialogue between June and Mabel in the last scene of the story. I did however choose to keep the ending the same. I thought it was unique to my own style and was actually a lot of fun to write.

            Another repeat comment was that the last paragraph became confusing with who was feeling or saying what. I tried to clarify this confusion by using names instead of saying she. I believe this confusion is present because the entire story is from June’s standpoint and at the end it changes to Mabel’s standpoint. The book calls this having multiple viewpoints.

            Devon’s responses helped me to see the story outside of my expectations. After reading her comments, I was able to step back and read my story for the story and not the expectation I have of a story. I think this helps me as a writer to look more critically and literally at their work.

            There were several other responses made about grammar or word choice, some of these suggestions were taken and changed and others I chose to keep as is. 

            I am not sure where the idea of the story came from. I decided to work from my personal life at first, but it soon changed drastically into a television crime scene.  I do think if the story were a work to be published it would need more development. The development I would choose is the relationship between Mabel and Dan after the murder and the mental conversations Mabel has with herself after the event. I enjoyed this assignment even more than that of the poetry and am anxious to see what else I am able to do in this class.

Thanks,

Audra