LITR 3731: Creative Writing
Student Drama Submission 2005

Micah Goff

Micah Stinks

Concept Sentence:  On the last day of class, students are overcome with frustration and lash out at a student.

Theme Sentence:  Things are often not as they appear and never as bad as they seem.

Cast:

Daniel

Dr. White

Micah

Devon

Bonnie

Alissa

Tara

Mary Kay

Karen

Andrea

Jennifer

Sherry

Daniel:   (Standing, emphatically proclaiming)  And that is why I believe cockfighting should be the new national past time.

(Class Applauds)

Daniel:   (Tosses hat to Micah and sits down)  Here’s your stupid hat.

Dr. White:   Okay, that was…bizarre. Let’s go ahead and open it up to class discussion.  Any comments?

(Daniel raises his hand)

Daniel:   Ooh, ooh, me, me.

Dr. White:  Sure Daniel, what do you have to say?

Daniel:  Look, I have really made an effort to stay positive over the course of this semester, BUT that was quite possibly the worst thing I have ever heard in my entire life. Micah, you have taken horrible to an entirely new level. I’m amazed—really—amazed, that anyone could write something that bad.  Wow.

Micah:   Well thanks Daniel, I really value your opinion.

Bonnie:  I agree with Daniel.  Micah, you should never ever, EVER write another word as long as you live, not even a suicide note, just go ahead and off yourself and let your friends and family fill in the pieces.

Dr. White:  Class, class, this is NOT the direction we need to be going.  Does anyone have any comments of a more constructive nature?

Devon: I really liked the end.

Micah:  Yeah, cockfighting is something I’m really passionate about.  I thought the best way to capture that passion was to end with a monologue. I’m glad that you liked it.

Devon:  No, I meant that I liked the end, when the play was over and no one was talking. That was the best part. You should have started with that.

Micah: Oh.

Mary Kay:  Micah, I was wondering where your inspiration came from. I’ve never really been exposed to cockfighting before, how did you come up with all that stuff?

Micah:  Well, I have this crazy uncle that has been arrested like fifteen times for running cockfighting rings.  He was actually on COPS a few years ago.

Mary Kay:  Really?

Micah:  Yeah, they came to his house and arrested him.  They confiscated his gaffes and took away his chickens.  He was in jail for three years.

Mary:  Really?

Micah:  No.

Alissa:  What are gaffes?

Micah:  Well, they’re like spurs for chickens only they have razor blades attached to them.

Alissa:  Why razor blades?

Micah:  Well, the razor blades kind of speed things up a bit.

Dr. White:  Okay class, let’s try to get back on track here.  Let’s talk about some of the high points in the scene.  Do any of you have any questions for Micah that go beyond the inner-workings of cockfighting?

Tara:  Micah, I have a question. 

Micah:  Well, I have an answer.

Tara:  I feel like everyone kind of missed the point. I was wondering…have you been eating retard sandwiches again?  I mean what in the wide world of sports were you thinking when you wrote something like this?  Did you think it was going to be funny, because it wasn’t.  You are one stoo…

Dr White:  (interrupts Tara)  Okay, let’s hold off on that Tara.  Devon, it looked like you had a question.

Devon:  Can we go home?

Dr. White:  Excuse me?

Devon:  Can we go home?  I mean, what’s the point?  It’s the last day of class and it’s obvious that this drama scene is meaningless.  Why don’t you just let us go home?

Dr. White:  (pauses)  Devon, maybe you should consider giving a little more respect to your classmate by taking this discussion seriously.  After all, Micah gave you the same courtesy.

Devon:  Yeah, but my drama scene wasn’t as nearly as bad as this one.  Bonnie is right, this guy should never write another word for the rest of his life.  I never thought I’d say this, but I actually feel less intelligent for have heard this scene—it’s like Micah’s stupidity is an infectious disease or something.

Daniel:  Hey Micah, did I ever tell you how inspiring you are?  I’ve never been around someone so ‘differently-abled’ as you.

Micah:  And what does that mean Daniel?

Daniel:  It means that I’ve seen jell-o sharper than you.

Micah:  That’s really funny, did you think of that one all by yourself?

Dr. White:  Okay guys, enough machismo.  Let’s put the emphasis back on the drama scene or there will be a reflection on your final grades for the semester.

Micah:  (mumbles something unintelligible under his breath)

Dr. White:  Did you have something you’d like to say Micah?

Micah:  I didn’t think my drama scene was as terrible as you have all made it out to be.  Some of you are just blinded by hatred.  I think you’re prejudiced, bigoted even.  It’s because I’m white isn’t it?

Bonnie: What?

Micah:  It’s because I’m white.

Karen:  That’s ludicrous.

Micah:  No, people feel like they have the right to say all these mean and hurtful things to me because of the color of my skin.  You hate me because I’m white.

Daniel:  I hate you because you’re stupid.

Dr. White:  (exasperated)  Daniel, that is quite enough.

Daniel:  I’m sorry Dr. White but my remarks are a matter of religious freedom.  In Deuteronomy 25:11 the Lord commands his people not to give false testimony about their neighbor and if I were to say that Micah’s drama scene was tolerable when it stank worse than rancid meat, I would be a liar.  Heavenly Father doesn’t like liars.

Jennifer:  Daniel, that’s not what Deuteronomy 25:11 says.

Daniel: Okay, what does it say Jennifer? Are you going to provide a little hermeneutical exegesis for us?

Jennifer:  This may not be exact, but I think Deuteronomy 25:11 goes something like this: “If two men are fighting and the wife of one of them comes to rescue her husband from his assailant, and she reaches out and seizes him by his private parts, you shall cut off her hand. Show her no pity.”

Devon:  Speaking of no pity, how much longer will we be in here?  Dr. White are you waiting on signs and wonders to let your people go?  Can we go home?

Andrea:  Yeah, can we go home?  My cousin is going to be on Maury Povich today and we are going to find out the results of a paternity test.

Bonnie:  See Micah, that’s drama.

Mary:  Yeah, you should have written a scene called “Baby Mama Drama”, instead, you just wrote some lame cockfighting pageant.  What time is it?

Micah:  It’s a hair passed a freckle. Did you know that the same tests that they use to established human paternity can be used on chickens?  My family has the most extensive collection of broiler DNA in North America.  Can you say, cash crop?

Karen:  Can you say chicken shh….

Dr. White:  (Interrupting)  Okay, let’s not let this get out of hand.  Micah do you have any questions for the class?

Micah:  Was there anything that any of you liked about the scene?

(seven seconds of silence)

Sherry:  I thought the play was sweet.

Devon:  You have got to be kidding.

Sherry:  No, I thought it was sweet, it made me really care about the chickens.  I could almost see the feathers flying about and the way Micah had Daniel flapping his arms around, pretending to be a chicken, it was….beautiful.

Bonnie:  You’ve been shroomin haven’t you Sherry?

Sherry:  What?

Dr. White:  Thank you Sherry for your positive remarks.  Does anyone have any other positive remarks, maybe a little constructive criticism?

Daniel:  I’m gonna have to go ahead and say no on that one Dr. White.  There is absolutely no way that anyone could possibly have anything positive to say about this train wreck of a drama scene.

Dr. White:  Daniel, you may well be the rudest, most inconsiderate student I have ever encountered.

Daniel:  And you may well be the least qualified instructor I have ever encountered if you can honestly find one good thing about that drama scene. 

Dr. White:  Micah, you really did a wonderful job with your punctuation.  I have never seen such a superb use of the colon in all my years of teaching.  Good job.

Bonnie:  He sure used the colon, but I don’t think you call that punctuation.

Daniel:  I stand corrected, Micah’s use of punctuation was impeccable.  Get it?  Im-PECK-able…chickens….cockfighting?  Guess not.

Mary Kay:  Micah, I had a question, how long did it take for you to write this.

Micah:  A few weeks, I’ve been researching the piece for years though.

Mary Kay:  Years?

Micah:  You could say that cockfighting is a part of my heritage.  I’ve been going to the matches since I was little.  I eat, sleep, and breathe cockfighting.  It was a labor of love.

Alyssa:  Dr. White, I don’t mean to be rude, but can we please leave? Please, I’ll do anything, just let me go home.

Devon:  Yeah Dr. White, it’s the last day of class, please Dr. White, I’ll wash your car.

Alyssa:  I’ll clean your house.

Bonnie:  I’ll give you the deed to my soul.

Dr. White:  (sharply) Listen, we will leave as soon as the discussion has run it’s course, not a minute sooner.  Remember, I still haven’t tallied your final grades.

Daniel:  Micah, I’d like to say I’m sorry.

Micah:  It’s okay Daniel, seven times seventy right?

Daniel:  Whatever.  Micah I’m really sorry—sorry that you have wasted my time with a scene as bad as this.

Micah:  But I thought…

Daniel: (interrupting)  No, let me finish. I also feel terribly—terribly sick of hearing you talk about cock fighting like you’re the god of white trash or something.  If I never read another word you write for the rest of my life it will be ten lifetimes too soon.

Tara:  Micah, I didn’t realize it until this very moment, but I hate you.  I just wanted you to know.

Micah:  Thank you for your candor Tara, I hate you as well.

Devon:  (standing up, holding crumpled ones in her hand) I will pay everyone one dollar and thirty seven cents to not say another word.

Dr. White: (to no one in particular) It looks like I’ve finally lost control.

(class sits silently staring at Dr. White)

Dr. White:  (sadly)  Fine, go home, but don’t think that this won’t reflect on your final averages. 

(class stands and begins to shuffle out of the room)

(Daniel and Micah find themselves in the hallway)

Daniel:  Do you think they bought it?

Micah:  Hopefully, did you see Dr. White’s face?

Daniel:  Should we invite him to the bar to smooth things over?

Micah:  Yeah, he looks like he could use a drink right about now.

Daniel: All that kill whitey stuff was hilarious, did you make that up on the spot?

Micah: Yeah.  So what are we drinking this afternoon.

Daniel:  They have ninety-nine cent ‘ritas at the Sandbar.

Micah:  Wine or tequila?

Daniel:  They were tequila last time.

Micah:  Sandbar it is.