LITR 3731: Creative Writing

Reader: Reani King             

Respondent: Robin Stone

10/13/03               

Reani explained that she was considering some changes such as putting the first and last paragraphs in present tense to create more of the frame effect. Reani stated that she is also considering revising the last paragraph about the cardinal (depending on the feedback) as to whether the cardinal seems to be migrating or not since there has been much debate over the bird scene at the end of the story.

Manuscript presented:

Cardinal Morning

As she sat on her back porch, watching the brilliant, red Cardinal pecking at the seed, she felt at peace. With the children at school, she was enjoying the unusual crispness of the morning. The leaves had begun their journey from the lush green of summer to the oranges and reds of autumn. A light breeze was blowing; rustling the leaves ever so slightly, and the sun covered her with its warm light. That time belonged to her and the Cardinal.

          In the quietness of the morning, surrounded by the comfort and security of her home and loved ones, she let her mind drift on the breeze. She returned to a time when her life was not so comforting and secure.

          Her mind drifts back to a night not unlike so many others. She had left him drinking with his friends. She had fed and bathed the children and put them to bed. She waited three hours then cleaned the kitchen and retired for the night; knowing he would eventually find his way home.

Some time in the wee hours of the morning she was jolted awake by the shrill screams of the fire detector. As she ran to her children’s room and gathered them up, she was consumed by smoke that had filled the second floor of the town-home. She race down stairs, never checking to see where the smoke was coming from; trying not to frighten the children too much. It seemed to her that there was no smoke on the first floor, but she smelled something burning in the kitchen. Realizing there was no fire she set the children on the couch so she could investigate the horrid smell coming from her kitchen.

As she entered the blinding light of the kitchen she noticed that the oven was on and that the light in the adjoining bathroom was also on. She turned off the oven and opened it to find something charred beyond recognition. She quickly turned off the smoke alarm before it had a chance to wake the neighbors and went to the bathroom door.

She tentatively knocked, knowing what was on the other side, but got no answer. By this time she was furious at him. She opened the door, hitting him in the leg, hoping that that would wake him from his drunken stupor.

“What are you doing?” she asked angrily.

“What do you mean?” he replied. He always answered her questions with questions.

“What were you cooking before you passed out on the toilet?” she demanded.

A look of dim recognition crossed his face as if he realized what had happened. “I was cooking a pizza because you had already cleaned the kitchen.”

“Well, I just got the kids up because I thought the apartment was on fire!” She said. She was becoming more and more furious as the conversation went on. Still thinking of the children, she tried not to start screaming at him; however, she could hear her voice rising.

“Come out of the bathroom.” She told him.

“Okay.” He replied defeatedly.

As she waited for him to come out she went upstairs to open the windows and let the smoke out before putting the children back to bed. They didn’t seem to be upset about the ordeal. She thanked God that it was not truly a fire and that the children were not old enough to realize they had an alcoholic father that might one day cause them to burn alive.

“Why do I put myself and my children through this CRAP?” she asked to herself. She couldn’t help but think that what had happened was somehow her fault.

She returned to the kitchen to find him holding onto the sink trying to put together the events that led up to this situation. She moved around him silently to the oven and removed the charred remnants of the pizza that had been the cause of her panic.

“I should make you eat this mess,” she told him as she threw it in the sink in front of him; secretly hoping it would hit him.

“I’m sorry,” is all he could muster as a response to the events of the morning. She did not reply.

It seemed to her that he was always sorry, but never tried to change his behavior. She finished cleaning up his mess, went upstairs to close the windows and lay down with her children. As she lay awake, trying to gather her composure to answer the questions she knew would come when the children woke up, she heard him stumble up the stairs. He stopped at the door; she could feel his stare on her as she sheltered her children from him.

When morning came the questions came as she expected.

“Mommy, why did the buzzer go off?” her two-year old asked.

“Daddy fell asleep with something in the oven,” she replied. She always tried to shelter them from the truth thinking they were too young to process it and she did not want them to think badly of their father.

As always, worried about her father she asked, “Is daddy okay?”

“Yes,” she answered, “But let’s let him sleep a little while longer.”

“Make Daddy breakfast, mommy?”

“Yes, let’s go down and make us all some breakfast,” she replied.

She took the children down stairs, turned on cartoons, and made breakfast, trying to keep a smile on her face. She knew she should leave, but at that time she thought it would get better.

She found herself back in the present, on her back porch, but her mind was still a million miles away. She pondered the questions again just as she had so many times before, “Why did she stay with him so long?” “Was there really anything more she could have done to help him change his habits?” She thought probably not. Besides, the past is the past.

          Her husband, gently touching her brow, brought her back from the prison of her thoughts. As she said goodbye to the man she loved she looked again at the Cardinal (he was still there, probably saying goodbye to the summer). She felt somehow connected to the last Cardinal of the season, and as her temporary morning companion took flight, she felt as though she, too, was weightless and free. She knew she had finally achieved the happiness she had deserved and longed for.

Robin to Class: Are there any comments or questions?

There was discussion on names replacing the he/she in the story for clarity. Will stated that the paragraphs with the daughter are confusing because of pronoun usage. During the discussion, it was decided that replacing only selected pronouns with more descriptive words such as “the daughter” would suffice. Dr. White explained that not using names increases the readers’ identification with the story. Dr. White and Jennifer suggested that Reani leave off the very last line of the story so as not to overstate the obvious to the reader. Jennifer stated that she really likes the dialogue of the ex-husband because it shows a sense of security and pity as reasons for the woman to stay with him.

Global Question:

This work is a reverie piece, which the book calls a Frame Story. Do you think the frame (beginning and ending) paragraphs create a balance that allows the middle, or reverie section, to have the greatest effect?

The class discussion indicated that the frame did create the greatest effect. It was discussed that perhaps more contrast would be good. Enrique stated that the ending seemed that the second husband was like a knight in shining armor and should be made more real. Brandi and Jennifer agreed and it was suggested that the second husband be described more for contrast.

Robin’s Questions to Reani’s:

This story is a frame story. What made you decide to make it a frame story instead of a chronological story?

Reani responded that at the time, she was not aware that she was writing a frame story, but when I asked about it, she found that on page 204 in the Three Genres book says the frame story traditionally refers to fiction that is one long flashback.

The pace of the story changes with the change in frame. The beginning is slow and easy, the middle is more energetic and harried, and the end is slow and comfortable again. Was this intentional or natural?

Reani stated that it was both intentional and natural. The present for the woman in the story is calm and comfortable. She is able to enjoy life in general. The woman in the memory, although the same woman, did not have that luxury. She was always waiting for something bad to happen. Reani said she wanted the reader to pick up on the different lifestyles. She said it happened naturally because it just popped into her head that way. She got the idea and it just flowed onto the screen.

Robin: Directly to the class:

Do you think the summer to fall seasonal element works, or do you think that perhaps a winter to spring element would be better?

There was discussion on the literary convention of it being winter to spring over summer to fall by Brandi. However, most people liked the summer to fall element better since Reani explained that she used summer, which is vibrant and energetic—to fall, which is more calm and peaceful to relate the woman’s being in a peaceful mood in her reflection.

The book states that a frame story is more often presented in first person. Reani’s story starts in third person and moves to first person in the reverie part, and then back to first person. Do you think it would work as well if it were all in first person?

It was the major consensus that the story should stay in third person and that they did not feel it would work as well as first person. It was also agreed that the third person gave the reader some distance from the characters and that that balance would be upset to change person.

In summary, revisions Reani is considering are:

Changing the tense in the first and last paragraphs to present tense.

Finding a way to clarify the bird scene in the ending paragraph.

Finding a way to bring out the second husband and make him more real.

Changing the pronoun usage referring to the daughter for clarity.