LITR 3731: Creative Writing
Student Poetry Submission 2003

LaQuita Rhone

(final submission)

Pale Tresspass

Old faces old places cross twice
In the middle of some spaces
Ancient times in color rewind
My dream mind of you.

Ten years ago this September
On Friday the 13th
Clearly.
I remember.

You drifted away in slumber
Not sweet.
Not reposed.
Not on a bed of roses.

(original submission)

Dream Deferred

Old faces old places cross twice
In the middle of some spaces
Ancient times in color rewind
My dream mind of you.

Ten years ago this September
On Friday the 13th,
Clearly
I remember.

You drifted away in slumber
Not sweet.
Not reposed.
Not on a bed of roses.

email draft exchange notes

Dr. White, Brandie Minchew helped me with editing my poem. However, we did it on a hard copy because I could not reach her via email. Shall I give you this copy that has her comments? She said she really liked the imagery and the rhyme. She suggested removing the period after Clearly in the third stanza. As for me, I have been racking my brain trying to revise as well. I only changed one sentence because I didn't want to upset the tone and balance, but then I changed it back again. I was thinking of changing the word Clearly to Early but when I did that, it seemed to clash with my "dream" motif. So I switched it back.