LITR 3731: Creative Writing
Student Poetry Submission 2003
Liz Little
Loose Words
Before, raw sounds form fleshy in the heart
after, spin out into lines. In between, firm
and fluid telling pieces jelly in the mouth and go
stringy and hand dyed.
Terse Reason minds a cranking spool as
unraveled strands of utterance from warbling
weight to wire pull toward meaningful material.
Letting out, letting out, stopping.
A blurt slips free from hand-cupped reel
swells delicate conversation and snags
blue-printed twine as chaos hooks onto loosening
thread and exposes slim patterns divine.
Pulse brushes against
closed lips
drumming full through open doors.
Quick pump that set the motion
cannot hold the sticky form of bounding
string now humming
through the air.
While ready ears take up the slack
of vibrating worded line, uncertain tongue longs
to spin the offer back with a retraction, precise and fine.
Comments and focus:
After receiving the poetry note and grade on this poem from Dr. White, I
focused on his comments regarding the challenges presented to the reader
concerning whether on not the “poem has slipped.” I took this to mean that I have dropped away from what should
be a consistent pattern or flow of clear imagery and meaning.
I specifically looked at the place in the poem that was commented on to
have the most problems and that was the transition between the last two stanzas
which were hard to follow.
Revision: I kept the 3rd line in the 4th stanza and hoped it was clear enough to tie into the “heart” in the first stanza because of the words “quick pump.” I didn’t want to part with this because the word “quick” has so many great meanings that tie into the theme of deep raw emotion as in “cut me to the quick.” I hoped this tied back to the “raw sounds” in the first line. Also, when we are “quick” to form our opinions and words we sometimes regret it.
I changed the last line of the 4th
stanza (the transition to the 5th).
I tried to connect it more to the established and continuing imagery of
the poem. To the previous line:
“now cannot hold the form, humming”
I made these changes:
“cannot hold the sticky form, of
bounding / string”
I added the words “sticky” and
“bounding string” which I hope clarifies the word
“form.” All of these
words “sticky,” “string” and “form” refer back to the 1st
stanza where “raw sounds form fleshy,” and then “jelly”
and “go stringy.” My
favorite change here is the word “bounding” because it conveys the action of
words leaving the mouth with a force. It
also relates a distant meaning with the word “bound” as a past tense for
bind, as our words bind us to those ears that are picking them up which is also
a “sticky” function, and as in “bound for home” in which our words are
always trying to find a place to rest so to speak, a connection with someone who
will accept them and make them their own or at the very least hold agreeing
opinions. ( I may take the word “sticky” out.)
I also changed the 1st line of the last stanza:
From “outside intimate rhythm supplying easy / action on its own…”
To
“ bounding /string now humming through the air.”
(Original submission)
Loose Words
Before, raw sounds form fleshy in the heart
after, spin out into lines. In between, firm
and fluid telling pieces jelly in the mouth and go
stringy and hand dyed.
Terse Reason minds a cranking spool as
unraveled strands of utterance from warbling
weight to wire pull toward meaningful material.
Letting out, letting out, stopping.
A blurt slips free from hand-cupped reel
swells delicate conversation and snags
blue-printed twine as chaos hooks onto loosening
thread and exposes slim patterns divine.
Pulse brushes against closed lips
drumming full through open doors.
Quick pump that set the motion
now cannot hold the form, humming
outside intimate rhythm supplying easy
action on its own. While ready ears take up the slack
of vibrating worded line, uncertain tongue longs
to spin the offer back with a retraction, precise and fine.
by Liz Little