LITR 3731: Creative Writing
Student Poetry Submission 2003
Travis Kelly
Dichophony
It’s not who you are
It’s not what you want
The marbled figures obscure
the noble legacy you forgot.
Submit your ugly iron
For a taste of promised steel
Worth and weight disassociate
the price from the ideal.
Your construct stands in clouds
Your bedrock lies in smog
The golden fleecing obfuscates
what has been there all along.
by Travis Kelly
Journal draft
I made changes to both the first and
third stanzas, but I was satisfied with the second stanza as it stood in the
first draft. I believe
“obscure” does a better job than “transfix” of portraying the marbled
figures as entropic agents in the third line of the first stanza, and
“noble” carries a stronger connotation with regard to what has been lost
than “ancient.” On the first
line of the third stanza, I took Dawn’s advice and replaced the term
“cloud-laden” with “in clouds” because “laden” can easily be
construed by the reader as “burdened”, and this is not the sort of image I
wanted to invoke. I essentially
re-wrote the last two lines in order to strengthen the entire stanza, which Dawn
and I both agreed was rather weak in the first draft.
In the final draft, I think the third stanza mirrors the first very
strongly. My only lingering concern
is that it comes off a little too
strongly, almost shoving the theme of the poem down the reader’s throat.
However, I’m willing to take that risk if it keeps the poem from
feeling indecisive. I also think
the Golden Fleece reference (as suggested by Dawn) is a good image to invoke for
the smog mentioned in the previous line. It
is also a play on the phrase “pull the wool over your eyes”, which I think
is appropriate considering the topic of the poem.
The title of the poem, Dichophony, is a
merging of the words “Dichotomy” and “Cacophony.”
My intent in doing this was to invoke a feeling of discord, and both
“Dichotomy” and “Cacophony” have meanings associated with conflict. However, these chaotic terms are reconciled into a single
word, just as the conflict between the present and the future, or reality and
our notions of perfection, can be reconciled through proper perspective.
As you probably already know, you’ll have to read this file beginning at the bottom in order to view the messages/changes in the original order that they took place.
Email draft exchange
Subj:
Re: My Poem
Date:
Thu, 25 Sep 2003 09:18:44 -0500
From:
dedobson@houston.rr.com
----------------------------------------------------------------
Yes,
you're right, a fourth stanza would be too much. Just strengthen the
3rd
and I think you'll have what you were aiming for. How about somehow
using
the word "fleece" to tie in with the Greek theme (golden fleece), the
clouds
(fluffy connotations) and the double meaning "to swindle or cheat"?
Just
an idea to get you thinking of other possibilities. Also instead of
"cloud-laden"
maybe using the word "obscured," or one like it, to bring home
the
fact that we've lost our way. Yes, consider changing the title to
something
more helpful to your reader. I looked up "dichophony" and since it
wasn't
in my dictionary i'm assuming you made it up with dichotomy and
phony.
But you might be leaving your reader with two much to figure out on
their
own so they just won't bother. By giving the reader a firm handle as
to
the subject matter, they might be more intringued with your images and
message.
Ok,
I'll get my poem to you and I look forward to your comments. If you do
anymore
with this one, please send it back so I can read the different
version.
Thanks!
Dawn
-----
Original Message -----
From:
"Daug Wok" <daugwok@hotmail.com>
To:
<dedobson@houston.rr.com>
Sent:
Wednesday, September 24, 2003 11:19 PM
Subject:
Re: My Poem
>
I really appreciate your commentary. I
discussed this poem with a couple
>
other people (not from class), and what you wrote is easily the most
>
helpful. I hated to just throw this
poem at you with a "here ya go",
>
especially with the poem being as vague as it is, but I was hesitant to
>
taint your initial impressions with my own thoughts.
>
>
>The last stanza doesn't seem as powerful as the
>
>first two and, because it's the last, it probably ought to really carry
>
>some
>
>punch. First off, because the other two stanzas rhyme so perfectly well
and
>
>the last one is a slant rhyme, it seems to have the effect of leaving the
>
>reader hanging when we really want to feel grounded in the message-
>
>especially with all the geological allegories.
>
>
I definitely had the hardest time with the last stanza.
To be fair, the
>
first stanza used a slant rhyme as well, but I admit the third stanza's is
>
particularly tenuous. I'm glad you
noticed the geological references, and
I
>
think they are most evident in the third stanza.
My hope was to convey a
>
sense of building over the course of the poem, the third stanza being the
>
culmination of the previously mentioned materials.
I can see what you
mean
>
about the slant rhyme weakening the ending, although it didn't occur to me
>
beforehand.
>
>
>"The construct stands
>
>cloud-laden" seems a bit misconstrued only because I am trying to
formulate
>
>the image in my head. I'm thinking more in terms of building on top of
>
>clouds (the misguided theme you started with) rather than reaching for
the
>
>clouds (an altruistic formula). But if a building is cloud-laden, doesn't
>
>that mean it is reaching through the clouds? Or are the clouds weighing
it
>
>down? A bit confusing when I think you want to come on strong. Are you
>
>saying that we are so caught up in ideals and rhetoric of those ideals we
>
>lose sight of the reasons we supposedly came together as a country? I'm
>
>re-reading it and trying to piece it together exactly what you are trying
>
>to
>
>say.
>
>
I was actually thinking more of the phrase "head in the clouds". You may
be
>
right that "laden" was a poor word choice on my part, since it makes
it
seem
>
like the building is being suppressed by the clouds in some way.
Your
>
analysis that "we are so caught up in ideals and rhetoric of those ideals
we
>
lose sight of the reasons we supposedly came together as a country" is
>
eerily close to what I was aiming for. I
originally wanted to title this
>
poem "The Ideal", and the word does appear in the second stanza.
If you
can
>
suggest a way of strengthening that impression for the reader, it would
help
>
a lot.
>
>
>I like the "bedrock lies in smog".
That makes sense to me. We build on
the
>
>premise that we will poison. We've sold our ideals down the river for the
>
>almighty greenback. It's now a given. Got it! But the last two lines,
>
>again,
>
>don't seem as strong as the rest of the poem. I'm not sure what I would
>
>change, but the slight awkwardness of the last two lines, to me, seem to
>
>detract a bit from the strong statement the rest of the poem is carrying.
>
>I've read it outloud several times and it just seems to hang in the air a
>
>bit. Maybe a 4th stanza?
>
>
From your comments, I think the third stanza does the best job of
conveying
>
the concepts I had in mind, but I do agree that its structure is weak.
The
>
"it" struck me as overly vague in the last line, but I couldn't think
of
an
>
alternative. I also think the
effectiveness of my tie-in to the Greek
>
notion of a "golden mean" is questionable. I think a four stanza would
risk
>
pounding the concept into the ground and rendering the poem preachy, but a
>
stronger third stanza could double the effectiveness of the poem as a
whole.
>
Again, any suggestions are welcome.
>
>
I'll be gone starting tomorrow afternoon until probably Saturday, but I
look
>
forward to reviewing your poem. I'll get comments to you as soon as I can.
>
>
Travis Kelly
Subj:
Re: My Poem
Date:
Wed, 24 Sep 2003 21:44:04 -0500
From:
dedobson@houston.rr.com
----------------------------------------------------------------
Travis-
I really like the feeling of this poem. You and I are probably on
the
same wavelength!
I
think the first two stanzas work really well. They have great rhythm and
the
sentiment flows well. The last
stanza doesn't seem as powerful as the
first
two and, because it's the last, it probably ought to really carry some
punch.
First off, because the other two stanzas rhyme so perfectly well and
the
last one is a slant rhyme, it seems to have the effect of leaving the
reader
hanging when we really want to feel grounded in the message-
especially
with all the geological allegories. "The construct stands
cloud-laden"
seems a bit misconstrued only because I am trying to formulate
the
image in my head. I'm thinking more in terms of building on top of
clouds
(the misguided theme you started with) rather than reaching for the
clouds
(an altruistic formula). But if a building is cloud-laden, doesn't
that
mean it is reaching through the clouds? Or are the clouds weighing it
down?
A bit confusing when I think you want to come on strong. Are you
saying
that we are so caught up in ideals and rhetoric of those ideals we
lose
sight of the reasons we supposedly came together as a country? I'm
re-reading
it and trying to piece it together exactly what you are trying to
say.
I
like the "bedrock lies in smog".
That makes sense to me. We build on the
premise
that we will poison. We've sold our ideals down the river for the
almighty
greenback. It's now a given. Got it! But the last two lines, again,
don't
seem as strong as the rest of the poem. I'm not sure what I would
change,
but the slight awkwardness of the last two lines, to me, seem to
detract
a bit from the strong statement the rest of the poem is carrying.
I've
read it outloud several times and it just seems to hang in the air a
bit.
Maybe a 4th stanza?
All
in all, I like it a lot! I'm not sure I could offer any more concrete
ideas
or suggestions to my few critiques other than perhaps fool around with
the
last stanza.
I'll
send you my poem by tomorrow and am looking forward to your commentary!
Dawn
-----
Original Message -----
From:
"Daug Wok" <daugwok@hotmail.com>
To:
<dedobson@houston.rr.com>
Sent:
Wednesday, September 24, 2003 5:52 PM
Subject:
Re: My Poem
>
Sure, here you go.
>
>
Dichophony
>
>
It's not who you are
>
It's not what you want
>
The marbled figures transfix
>
the ancient legacy you forgot.
>
>
Submit your ugly iron
>
For a taste of promised steel
>
Worth and weight disassociate
>
the price from the ideal.
>
>
Your construct stands cloud-laden
>
Your bedrock lies in smog
>
A tribute to the golden means
>
of sustaining it so long.
>
>
>Travis, for some reason my outlook express removed the poem.doc
attachment
>
>because it said it was unsafe. I have no idea why. It's a new program and
>
>I'm not familiar with it. Could you just cut and paste it on an e-mail?
>
>
>
>Thanks!
> >Dawn