LITR 3731 Creative Writing UHCL sample student fiction submission 2003

Roxy was in a good mood. The weather was cooler now and the pretty, colored leaves were falling from the trees. As Roxy woke up from her noontime nap, she found that her father was home. He had been away on a trip, working on some pipe in a place called Alaska, and she was sure glad he was home.

Roxy’s four brothers were off playing, so she would get time to visit with her father all by herself. Roxy was four years old and wanted her father’s attention. She wanted to tell him about everything that had happened. Roxy was acting like a pest to get her father to notice her. But her mother and father wanted to talk to each other, not a little kid.

Roxy’s mother and father were sitting in the tiny living room that was painted in browns and oranges like the falling leaves. They were talking, and Roxy kept interrupting and climbing on her father, searching his pockets, while her mother was trying to tell him what all happened while he was gone. Roxy’s mother kept telling her to sit down and be quiet, but Roxy was too excited. She wanted to talk to her father and have him pay attention to her! She could smell the sweet, flowery scent of the soaps that were hidden somewhere in his pockets. She knew they were there and was determined to find them.

Roxy’s mother finally had enough of the child’s misbehaving and said, “If Roxy doesn’t sit down and behave right this instant, I am going to wiggle my nose and make her disappear!”

Roxy knew her mother could wiggle her nose side to side just like Samantha, the witch on the television show “Bewitched,” but she had never made her disappear. Roxy had seen sparks fly from her mommy’s fingertips each time she lit the stove. She would turn the knob on to let the gas out, then wave her hand, and fire suddenly appeared—then her mother would cook dinner. That’s why Roxy tried never to do anything to get a spanking! She was afraid her hiney would catch fire and she’d burn up! But disappear? She’d never seen that, but still . . . . Roxy tried to sit still, but she just couldn’t! Her father was home and not paying attention to her. He hadn’t even given her the little soaps he always brought her! All three feet of her quivered with anticipation.

It wasn’t very long before Roxy began interrupting again and searching her father’s pockets for soaps and presents. Her father didn’t seem to mind, but her mother was getting angry.

“That’s it! I warned you, Roxy! Now I’m going to wiggle my nose and make you disappear!” her mother suddenly said. Her mother looked at her father, who didn’t seem to understand either. Then her mother wiggled her nose from side to side and shouted, “Where’s Roxy? Where’d she go?” Roxy looked over at her father, who suddenly looked surprised. He just sat there and didn’t say anything.

Roxy felt fear gather like a lump in her throat. She ran to her mother and yelled, “Here I am Mommy!” But her mother didn’t answer or even look at her. Roxy ran to her father and shouted, “Daddy, you see me don’t you?” But he just sat there looking at her mother. Roxy ran back to her mother and hit her on the legs. That always got her mother’s attention!

“I hope Roxy sits and thinks about what she’s done and how she should be a good little girl if I ever bring her back!” Her mother said.

Then her mother started talking to her father again. Roxy, trembling with fear and anger, ran screaming from one to the other hitting their legs and begging them to see her until she was so scared, she could hardly breathe! Roxy barely came up past their knees and wished she were taller. Maybe they would see her if she were taller. Finally, with tears running down her cheeks from her big brown eyes, she ran into the next room, the bedroom she shared with her brothers. The room had a pretty, arched doorway that didn’t have a door on it, but had a set of bunk beds and two small twin beds in it. Roxy threw herself on her bed and, her small body stiff with fear, Roxy cried.

From where Roxy lay on the bed, she could see her mother and father in the next room talking as if nothing happened. Her father looked a bit upset, and she just knew he was going to make her mother bring her back! But he didn’t. They talked and talked while Roxy cried and cried.

Roxy felt scared and alone. She was invisible now and her mother was mad at her for being bad. Roxy lay rigid with fear and wondered if her mother would forgive her and bring her back. Roxy thought about the little soaps that were just her size and other presents she wouldn’t get from her father and was sad. Then she thought of not seeing her brothers anymore. That cheered her a bit. But then she thought of what she would do. No one would ever see her again, and there would be no one to talk to anymore. Roxy had been talking since she was 10 months old. Her mother and father were so proud of her for that and she heard them tell everyone in the whole world how she was special and would talk full sentences since she was only 18 months old. She felt good when she talked to people. Now there would be no one to talk to anymore. Surely, her mother would bring her back, wouldn’t she?

Roxy lay on the bed and cried, and once in a while she stomped her foot on the wall just to see if her mother and father heard. They didn’t seem to. Finally, Roxy realized no one could see her or hear her and suddenly she was terrified! She had seen ghosts on movies her mother was always watching. What if one got her? What if she was a ghost now? Was she? Roxy didn’t feel any different. She looked down at her hands. Her hands didn’t look any different. Roxy got up, went into her parent’s bedroom, and looked in the mirror. She saw her soft brown hair falling in lose curls framing her face and falling down around her shoulders. It still looked the same, and it still felt the same. She saw thick long eyelashes around her eyes, and thick eyebrows that everyone thought her mother painted on, and they still looked the same. But it was almost Halloween and ghosts and goblins did come out then. What if her mother was a witch just like Samantha? That meant there really were witches and that meant there really were ghosts and goblins! Roxy was really scared then!

Returning to her bedroom, Roxy looked out the window and saw that it was getting dark. Dark was the time the monsters would come out. She crawled in the bed she shared with her brother, covered herself with the blanket, and lay very still. Occasionally she’d look out from under her covers at the window. It was almost pitch dark now and the only sound she heard was her mother and father talking in the next room. Suddenly a door slammed and it scared her so bad she let out a little squeal and started shaking, then Roxy heard her brothers stomping through the house.

Roxy jumped off her bed to run to her mother and father, but because she was tangled in the covers, she fell to the floor with a THUD! She kicked the covers off and ran into the living room to her mother as fast as she could. She threw herself on her knees on the floor in front of them, put her hands together like prayer, and pleaded for them to see her.

“I wonder if I bring Roxy back if she’ll sit down and be quiet like a good little girl?” her mother said. Her father just sat there with a worried look on his face. Roxy began to worry herself. She wondered if her mother could bring her back, and if she could, would she? Maybe her mother didn’t think Roxy was going to be good and would just let her stay gone forever.

Roxy pleaded and promised that she would be very, very, very good! Her mother wiggled her nose again, looked down at Roxy, and said, “There you are! Where have you been?” Roxy was terrified! Her mother didn’t even know where she sent her when she made her disappear. Roxy’s brothers came in and asked what was going on. Her mother told them she had made Roxy disappear and they all grumbled about her being brought back and asked their mother to make her disappear again. Roxy scurried over next to her father, wrapped her arms around his leg, and sat perfectly still and quiet. Her mother went to fix dinner laughing about “poor Roxy.”

The boys all scampered up on the rough, orange flowered couch and started talking to their father. Roxy sat rigid, clinging to her father’s leg, watching the boys happily visit with him. When he wasn’t looking, her brothers looked down and made faces at her, or kicked her with their feet. Roxy didn’t move even when it hurt. Her arms, clutching tightly to her father started aching, but still she held on. Forgotten were the little soaps and the nice presents. Forgotten was curling up in her father’s lap and visiting with him. There was no room for Roxy with the boys around. The boys always got to visit with father.

Roxy sat holding her father as long as she could. Eventually, her mother called everyone into dinner. Her father and her brothers got up and went to the kitchen. Roxy was the last to move. She wasn’t hungry, and she was afraid to move for fear she would be bad and her mother would make her disappear again. After everyone went into the kitchen, the scent of the forbidden soaps lingering in the air, she looked over into her bedroom, and there, standing quietly by her bed, Roxy saw herself.

Roxy was in a good mood. The weather was cooler now and the pretty, colored leaves were falling from the trees. She woke up from her noontime nap to find that her daddy was home. He had been away on a trip to work on some pipe in a place called Alaska and she was sure glad he was home. Roxy’s four brothers were all off playing, so she would get time to visit with her daddy all by herself. Roxy was four years old and wanted her daddy’s attention. Being a typical four year old, she was acting like a pest to get her daddy to notice her. But her mommy and daddy wanted to talk to each other, not a little kid. Roxy’s mommy and daddy were sitting in the tiny living room that was painted in browns and oranges like the falling leaves. They were talking, and Roxy kept interrupting and climbing on her father while her mother was trying to tell him what all happened while he was gone. Roxy’s mommy kept telling her to sit down and be quiet, but Roxy was too excited. She wanted to talk to her daddy and have him pay attention to her! Roxy’s mother finally had enough of Roxy’s misbehaving and said to Roxy’s father, “If Roxy doesn’t sit down and behave right this instant, I am going to wiggle my nose and make her disappear!”

Roxy knew her mommy could wiggle her nose side to side just like Samantha, the witch on the television show “Bewitched,” but she had never made her disappear. She had seen sparks fly from her mommy’s fingertips each time she had to light the stove. She would turn the knob on to let the gas out, then she would wave her hand, and fire suddenly appeared—then mommy would cook dinner. That is why Roxy tried never to do anything to get a spanking! She was afraid her hiney would catch fire and she would burn up! But disappear? She had never seen that, but still … Roxy tried to sit still, but she just couldn’t! Daddy was home and not paying attention to her. He had not even given her the little soaps he always brought her!

It wasn’t very long before Roxy was interrupting again and searching daddy’s pockets for soaps and presents. Daddy didn’t seem to mind, but mommy was getting angry. Suddenly, mommy said, “That’s it! I warned you, Roxy! Now I am going to wiggle my nose and make you disappear!” Mommy looked at daddy, who didn’t seem to understand either. Then mommy wiggled her nose from side to side and shouted, “Where’s Roxy?! Where’d she go?!” Roxy looked over at her daddy and he suddenly look surprised. He just sat there and didn’t say anything. Roxy ran to her mommy and yelled, “Here I am Mommy!” But mommy didn’t answer or even look at her. Roxy ran to her daddy and shouted, “Daddy, you see me don’t you?” But daddy just sat there looking at mommy. Roxy ran back to her mommy and hit her on the legs. That always got her mommy’s attention! But mommy just sat there saying, “I hope Roxy sits and thinks about what she has done and how she should be a good little girl if I ever bring her back!” Then mommy started talking to daddy again. Roxy ran screaming from one to the other hitting their legs and begging them to see her until she was so scared she could hardly breathe! Finally, she ran into the next room, which was her bedroom with a pretty arched doorway that didn’t have a door on it, threw herself on the bed and cried. From where Roxy lay on her bed, she could see her mommy and daddy in the next room talking as if nothing had happened. Daddy looked a bit upset, and she just knew he was going to make mommy bring her back! But he didn’t. They talked and talked while Roxy cried and cried.

Roxy felt so scared and alone. She was invisible now and mommy was mad at her for being bad. Roxy wondered if mommy would forgive her and bring her back. Roxy thought about the soaps and presents she would not get from daddy and was sad. Then she thought of not seeing her brothers anymore. That relieved her a bit. But then she thought of what she would do. No one would ever see her again, and there would be no one to talk to anymore. Roxy had been talking since she was 10 months old. Mommy and daddy were so proud of her for that and she heard them tell everyone in the whole world how she was special and would talk full sentences since she was only 18 months old. She felt good when she talked to people. Now there would be no one to talk to anymore. Surely mommy would bring her back though, wouldn’t she?

Roxy laid on her bed and cried and once in a while she would stomp her foot on the wall just to see if mommy and daddy heard. They didn’t seem to. Finally, Roxy, realized no one could see her and no one could hear her and suddenly she was terrified! She had seen ghosts on movies her mommy watched all the time, what if one got her? What if she was a ghost now? Was she? Roxy didn’t feel any different. She looked down at her hands. Her hands didn’t look any different. But it was almost Halloween and ghosts and goblins did come out then. What if mommy was a witch just like Samantha? That meant there really were witches and that meant there really were ghosts and goblins! Roxy was really scared then! She looked out the window and saw that it was getting dark. Dark was the time the monsters would come out. She covered herself with the blanket and lay really still. Occasionally she would look out from under her covers at the window. It was almost pitch dark now and the only sound she heard was her mommy and daddy talking in the next room. Suddenly a door slammed and it scared her so bad she let out a little squeal and started shaking. Then Roxy heard her brothers stomping through the house. Roxy heard her mommy say, “Oh hell! I forgot about Roxy!” Roxy jumped off her bed to run to her mommy and daddy, but because she was tangled in the covers she fell to the floor with a THUD! She kicked the covers off and ran into the living room with her mommy. She threw herself onto the floor on her knees, put her hands together like prayer, and pleaded for them to see her. Mommy said, “I wonder if I bring Roxy back if she will sit down and be quiet like a good little girl?” Daddy just sat there with a worried look on his face. Roxy began to worry herself. She wondered if mommy could bring her back and if she could, if she would. Maybe mommy didn’t think Roxy was going to be good and would just let her stay gone. Roxy pleaded and promised that she would be very, very, very good! Mommy wiggled her nose again, looked down at Roxy and said, “There you are! Where have you been?” Roxy was terrified! Mommy didn’t even know where she sent her when she disappeared. Roxy’s brothers came in and asked what was going on. Mommy told them she had made Roxy disappear and they all grumbled about mommy bringing her back and asked mommy to make her disappear again. Roxy threw herself down on the floor next to her daddy, wrapped her arms around his leg and sat perfectly still and quiet. Mommy went to fix dinner laughing about “poor Roxy.”

The boys all scampered up on the couch with the rough orange flowers and started talking to daddy. Roxy sat clinging to daddy’s leg, watching the boys happily visit with daddy. They would occasionally look down and make faces at her or kick her with their foot. Forgotten were the little soaps and the nice presents. Forgotten was curling up in daddy’s lap and visiting with him. There was no room for Roxy with the boys around. The boys always got to visit with daddy.

Roxy sat holding her father as long as she could. Eventually, mommy called everyone into dinner. Daddy and her brothers got up and went to the kitchen. Roxy was the last to move. She wasn’t hungry, and she was afraid to move for fear she would be bad and mommy would make her disappear again. After everyone went into the kitchen, she looked over into the room that was their bedroom, and there, standing quietly by her bed, Roxy saw herself.

I started out using mommy and daddy and it was suggested I use mother and father I found that replacing mommy and daddy with mother and father made it more readable. I also made a few changes in the descriptions that were suggested by classmates that worked out very well. It was also suggested I use first person. I tried first person and it did not work out, so I went back to third person. There were eight revisions in all.

One day two Mercurians, from Mercury, hopped in their balloons and drifted toward Jupiter, their ally planet. They had balloons because it was the newest way of transportation. They had just discovered helium and decided to use it (since they were so close to the sun and helium, when heated, rises!). They were [LE1]right over Earth when the helium flame went out and they went s-a-a-i-l-i-n-g down! THUD! They crashed right in the heart of Houston on top of the Tenneco Building. They were invisible so they were not noticed. This place was new and strange to them! They were fascinated by all the funny little creatures rushing about, so they decided to have a look around. They turned on their helium [LE2]power and flew away. They were flying across Pasadena when they saw people participating in a recreational sport. This is their conversation: However, as you can see, Mercurians speak Mercuriish, which is a difficult language that sounds like Morse Code, so I will translate for you.

Gorak: Thop thop op op thop op op op thop op op thop op thop thop op op op op /

(Translation: Look at those funny little creatures hitting a [LE3]ball around with that iron stick!)

Pegasus: Op op thop op thop op thop op op op op op thop op op op op thop op thop thop op /

So, they flew on until they got over Waco and there they saw some more creatures doing more funny looking things.

(It looks like they are hitting a little ball back and forth at each other with little paddles.)

So, down they flew and took the ball. They left all the creatures awed at the sudden flight of the ball as they flew off with it!

Then as they were passing Dallas, they saw many creatures sitting in a building with no top, so they decided to see what was up (besides them).

(I don’t know, but that one creature just kicked the ball to the other group! He must be a traitor!)

Encoded in Pegasus and Gorak’s words is a message from their leader. If you can crack the code, you can find the hidden message. Can you find it?

If you cannot crack the code and would like to know what it is, you can email me at schoolmom@ev1.net.

[LE1]Passive Voice…were, perhaps?

[LE2]I thought it was helium power?

[LE3]“a” instead?