LITR 3731: Creative Writing
Student Fiction Submission 2003

Jennifer Davis

Finding Kinsey (final submission)

“Pregnant? A baby?  Scott, we’re pregnant!” Laraine’s excitement is punctuated by a twinge of anxiety.

“Honey, I can’t believe it’s finally happening.”  Scott’s enthusiasm is uncontrollable.  He jumps up from his plastic chair, and with a burst of excitement, his frantic moves flip the chair onto its side.  “We are parents!”  Scott doesn’t acknowledge the pounding sound the chair makes on the tiled floor.

            With a jump of surprise, Dr. Feivel interrupts the burst of excitement that just entered her stale doctor’s office.  “Okay, Mr. And Mrs. Dailey I know this is exciting news, and that’s great, but remember this is a risky pregnancy.  You’ve been trying for several years…”

            Still ecstatic Scott charges, “Yes, doc, we know.  It’s been just over eleven years.”

            “Yes, eleven long years.” Dr. Feivel continues while trying to keep the quiver out of her own voice, “I know this is a dream come true.  However, keep in mind that we must continue to be prepared for all possibilities.  Laraine, it all looks good so far.  I want to remind you however, to avoid undue stress.  You need to take care of two of you now.  I want you to continue with the breathing exercises and don’t forget to keep walking and eating right.  Okay?  Alright, I’ll see you in a month.”

            Dr. Fieval was more to Laraine and Scott than a doctor.  She was a trusted friend, advisor.  During the last several years and consequent repeated disappointments, Dr. Feival never shied away from being completely honest with Laraine, but even this surprise caught her off guard. 

            Just five months ago when Laraine had visited Dr.Feival, they discussed an array of transitions Laraine would have to face.  Since pregnancy seemed to no longer be an option, Dr. Feival suggested that Laraine and Scott quit trying altogether and seek grief counseling.

            “I know this is hard Laraine, but there are other options…” Dr. Feival had said optimistically.  “Not only are you suffering, but your body is as well.  Actually, at this point in your life, we will want to begin monitoring your hormone levels.”

            Laraine, though seemingly attentive, allowed her thoughts to flow freely even while half hearing the doctor.  Her mind was reeling with the thoughts of  “other options” and “monitoring hormone levels” as Dr. Feival put it.  What did all this mean?  It seemed to Laraine that in order to protect her, Dr. Feival was speaking in abstract concepts.

            “Okay, I’ll talk to Scott tonight” was the only thing she could force herself to say.

            Leading up to her appointment and subsequent news of her pregnancy, Laraine had found herself sleeping more than usual.  Even after a good night sleep she would wake up groggy, causing her to feel distracted during the day.  Thinking that Dr. Feival would want to know about this sudden change in her hormones, Laraine and Scott braced for the inevitable, menopause.

            Dr. Feival took some blood samples and a urine analysis.  When the technician had called Dr. Feival out into the hallway to tell her the urine sample came back positive for pregnancy, she ordered the test to be repeated two more times before breaking the news to the Daileys.

            That night after dinner, while cleaning up the dishes, Laraine turns to Scott with a hint of anticipation on her face, “We’ve talked about it for so long and now I can’t believe it’s true.  Scott we’re parents!  Just after being told it probably won’t ever happen – IT happened!”

            Placing a dish carefully in the drain rack, Scott is suddenly serious, “Laraine, can we do this?  I mean, we’re older now.  I’m old.  You know it’s gonna be hard to keep up with a little Scotty or Larainy now that we’re in our forties.”

            Laraine bows her head as if somehow she has been defeated.  In fact, her emotions feel as though they are jumbled up inside of her, creating knots in her stomach.

            As Scott moves behind her to comfort her, she wraps his full arms around her waste, nestling his hands on her pudgy stomach and slowly moves them over her belly.  Knowing that life lies in wait makes this exciting for both of them.  However, Laraine knows Scott’s concerns are warranted, especially after last time.  “Scott, don’t,” she whispers.  Turning around to look into his pale green eyes, she places her finger over his lips, “Now’s not the time to question.  There’s no going back,” and with intensity rising in her voice she blurts out, “We are parents and I think this calls for a celebration!  Let’s break out the ice cream!”  And with this consolation, Laraine seemingly dismisses her own uncertainties.

            Secretly, doubt begins to creep in.  At first it manifests itself in realistic, horrifying nightmares.  However, as the third month approaches, Laraine finds herself terrified, living in fear of losing the precious gift growing inside her.  This would be the last time.  If it happens again, she knows she could never forgive herself for her weakness.

Looking into the mirror at two o’clock in the morning becomes a ritual.  Sweat pouring down her face.  Her hair matted in a soggy clump on her head Laraine pleads, “Please…” with a burst of tears she heaves, “please don’t take it away.  They say you only give us as much as we can handle.  But this… this is too much.  I have tried to trust you.  Why would you play with my dreams like this?”  She is looking at the strange contortion of herself in the mirror, but rambling to some unseen entity.

After several minutes of contemplation she is somehow calmed by her own deliriousness.  Returning back to her sweat-drenched sheets, she lays down, still rigid and cold from the fear.  “Why me?  Why did I try again?” is all she can mummer to herself.  After all, her body had already told her it couldn’t sustain life.  The bleeding.  The fear.  The pain.  She doesn’t think she can live if it happens again.  So, the doubt creeps in.

In the morning Laraine wakes up to find her pillow still moist from her horrific encounter with fear.  She looks in the same mirror that gave her a distorted, dark reflection during the night, and this time sees what looks like thick mounds of blonde hair stuck to the sides of her face.  Her eyes are swollen, and her voice feels rough and delicate.  In the past she has woken herself up sobbing.  She assumes this is the cause of her sore throat.  She contemplates that maybe crying, even while sleeping, has become just as natural as breathing.

Scott, on the other hand, sleeps soundly and wakes up refreshed and revived with the day’s possibilities.  Scott had always been a morning person, but now he finds a new reason to be alive each time he wakes up.  Moreover, his ability to sleep through all of life’s little nuisances causes Laraine to feel completely isolated from his sweet dreams for their future. 

            Furthermore, Scott has begun to obsess about all the exciting possibilities parenting will provide.  Scott immediately begins buying baby things on his lunch breaks, while grocery shopping and even while on business outings.  His only criteria is that it has to be small.  He comes home with small toys, small socks, and even travel size baby shampoo.  It is evident to Laraine that Scott is consumed with the idea of becoming a father. 

            When Scott comes home with his “small finds” as he affectionately calls them, Laraine smiles, tells him thank you with a kiss on the cheek, and lays the gift in an old dresser drawer in their spare room.  And with that, Laraine stores away her doubt and fear, at least for the moment.  The morning after Scott brings home a Texans jumper, Laraine is getting ready for work, when suddenly she begins to think of all the sweet gifts Scott has bought for her and the baby and begins to cry.  Uncontrollable crying.  This fear is her secret and hers alone.  She feels controlled and manipulated by the pangs of fear that haunt her.  She is wracked with guilt and shame for her own insecurities.  How could she introduce such doubt and confusion into his life?  He is so excited, and has been so patient all these years.  After all, he deserves the best.  He deserves nothing less than to be able to blissfully plan for his future, their future, their baby.  So she waits and fears in silence.

            Laraine never buys baby things.  In fact, Laraine finds herself avoiding the baby departments at all of her favorite stores.  The anxiety that engulfs her is overwhelming.  She finds herself shopping less and less, avoiding those corners of the stores that seem to mimic her fears.  She stops shopping at the local Target store because everything seems to be centered around baby things. Even the local grocer places women’s hosiery on the same aisle as baby bottles.  These reminders of her present condition, and past failures plague her.

Furthermore, Laraine continues to avoid babies all together.  It has been too painful for too many years.  Avoidance has become a necessity.  All the reassurance, all the small, cute things, they could never erase her fear that she could lose this baby too.  She tries to convince herself that if she doesn’t get too excited this time, maybe it won’t be taken away.  Maybe this time will be different.

During a routine check-up with Dr. Feival, Laraine finds herself responding defensively.

“It’s so good to see you.” Dr. Feival says with a smile on her face.  “It looks like you are watching your weight, but you still look healthy.”

“Yeah, I don’t have much time to eat.”

“You can snack on some fruit if you like, or even a muffin wouldn’t hurt.” she says looking at her chart, “How are you feeling?”

“Fine.”

This short answer causes Dr. Feival to look up at Laraine through her thin line reading glasses.  The concern in her voice is apparent, “Are you spotting?”

“No.”

“Is everything okay with you and Scott?” Dr. Feival is looking directly at Laraine now, her graying hair makes her look older than she is.

“Yes.  I just don’t have very much to say.”

“That’s fair.”  Returning her gaze back to her chart she asks, “What are you doing in the way of exercise?”

“Yoga, Scott bought me a membership at the city gym.”

Satisfied, Dr. Feival puts her chart down and leans over.  “Laraine, I’m here if you ever need anything.  I’m more than your doctor.  I am also your friend.  I know you’re pretty quiet now, but if you ever need to talk, I’m here.”

Inflating her tone, Laraine says, “Thanks.  I think I’ll been fine.”

“Good.  Oh yeah, I have something for you.”  Dr. Feival hands Laraine a magazine.  “You should be expecting one every month now.  It’s a treat from our doctor’s office.”

Walking down the hall she feels like a zombie.  The elevator seems to take an eternity to get her to the floor below.  Normally, Laraine would rush out the front doors as quickly as possible so she wouldn’t have to be subjected to the cigarette smoke lingering just outside.  This time, however, Laraine takes her time.  She is looking for a trashcan.  Giving the magazine one last glance, she looks down and sees the baby on the cover staring back at her.  It’s eyes are so big and green, just like Scott’s.  Next to the trashcan is an old lady sitting on the solitary bench provided for the smokers.  Walking over to her, Laraine slips the magazine in the hole provided for trash.

“I don’t need this crap, I’m trying to get away from babies,” she says out loud, not talking to anyone in particular, and she walks briskly to her car.

            At six months, there’s no hiding that she’s pregnant now.  Everyone’s excited. Her co-workers begin complimenting her “waddle” and asking if they can touch her protruding stomach, which they affectionately refer to as a basketball.  Somehow, Laraine musters up the courage to not cringe when they reach their hands towards her hidden jewel.  She inhales deeply, and smiling, tries to appreciate this special time in her life.  With his undeniable sense of duty, Scott begins listening to parenting tapes in the car.  He even asks complete strangers for parenting advice.  It is only now that Laraine begins to allow herself to become excited.  For Laraine, the most crucial time has passed.  The other one went away at four months.

            “We’re having a boy, Mom… Yeah, everything’s fine.  He’s beautiful.  He looks just like his dad!  Scott is painting the room right now… blue of course.  No Mom, we won’t name him Toro!  I’ll let you know as soon as I know… we’re still playing around with a few ideas.”  Laraine knows she can always depend on her mother for comfort and support.  She has the perfect balance of concern and humor.  In fact, as Laraine was growing up she would often find herself sitting in front of the fireplace with her mother laughing uncontrollably.  It wouldn’t be long before that contagious laugh had them both in tears.  In fact, when Laraine has the opportunity to visit her mother in Virginia, they often find themselves returning to this custom.  It doesn’t take much to make them laugh until they cry; a crooked smile, an old family photo, or even laughing itself causes them to fall into a rage of contagious laughter.

Most importantly, Laraine knows her mother loves her.  Although her mother desperately wanted a grandchild, a baby from her only child, she had never brought the subject up.  Instead, she focused on supporting Laraine and Scott in their careers.  So, when Dr. Fieval told them that pregnancy was impossible, Laraine’s mother was the only person they told.  In response to her daughter’s heartache, Laraine’s mom withdrew $20,000 out of her savings account just so Scott and Laraine could try envitro fertilization before once and for all giving up their dreams of becoming parents.

After a weekend visit to Virginia to see Laraine’s mother during the holidays, they find themselves having to say goodbye all too soon.  While Scott was removing their suitcases out of the trunk of the car, Laraine’s mother pulled her aside.  “Before you get on the plane, I want to give you one last thing.”  She then handed Laraine an envelope.

Opening it, she was stunned.  “No, Mom.  I can’t take this.  End of story.”  Laraine was adamant.

“Honey, this is the one Christmas gift I really want to give you.  I see how hard it has been on you…” with tears swelling in her eyes, she said, “I want to help you and Scott make your dreams come true.  I understand how these last several years have been so painful.  And to be honest, with your father gone, I feel that this is the best way I can spend the money he left.”

Hugging her mother, all she could say was, “Thanks Mom, I know you want the world for me.”  After collecting herself, Laraine and Scott hug her mother and say their final goodbyes before boarding their plane.

Within the week Laraine and Scott had made an appointment for their first consultation with the specialist. Looking back on that time now, Laraine feels that it all happened so long ago.  Yet, it was that money, and ultimately that hope, that brought her to this place.  Even though she lost that baby, Laraine now sees how her mother’s words of encouragement and sacrificial giving have sustained her own hopes of becoming a mother.

            While sitting on the couch late one Saturday night after a day of shopping for baby beds, Laraine places her feet in Scott’s lap, which naturally gives him the cue to begin rubbing them.  As Scott begins to massage the nuisance of pregnancy out of her feet, with an air of passivity, Laraine declares, “Scott, I’ve decided this is my last semester.”

            “Okay, honey.  Are you feeling okay?”  Scott asks with a serious tone of concern.

            “Oh yeah,” Laraine offers enthusiastically.  “I just think that it’s time to wrap up my career at the University.”

            “Well, we agreed that when it came that time, you would have to be the one to make the decision.  Have you considered any part-time positions?”

            “No.  I’m exhausted.  Besides, in just three months our lives are going to change drastically and I think that this time off will be good for both me and the baby.”

            “Okay, I just wanted you to explore all of your options.”

            With a hint of sarcasm on her face Laraine jokes, “Actually, I’ve been thinking.  If I stay home with the baby for the next five years, I’ll be close to retirement age and I’ll never have to go back to work.”

            “If that’s the case, we might want to start looking into Retirement homes as well!”

            It is getting easier.  Each day, Laraine becomes more confident that everything is going to turn out okay.  In fact, she begins to dream of holding her baby, rocking it, looking into it’s face while it sleeps.  The hauntings don’t stop totally, but each kick reassures her she will have a healthy baby boy. 

            Dr. Feival’s smile let’s Laraine know that she is pleased with the latest test results.  “Your looking better than ever.  I even see a glow on our face.”

            “Yeah, it’s getting easier.  Now, I am getting nervous about actually becoming a mother.  How ironic.”

            “That’s natural.  I really want to assure you that you are in fact doing very well.  It seems like you’re doing everything right.  From now on we will be monitoring you more closely.  As you know, this pregnancy is a little more complicated than most.  And, we want to pay close attention to any changes.  Do you have any questions so far?”

            “Actually, sometimes I think about what happened last time.”  This sudden confession surprises Laraine, but she feels like it is something she needs to confront.

            “That’s normal.  Laraine, I want to caution you to watch your stress.  But I also want you to know that though I will never say you’re out of the danger zone, I must admit I couldn’t expect anything better from a 20 year old.  With that said, let me assure you that I feel confident that if it looks as if your body can’t hold him much longer, we are equipped to assist you in delivery.  In fact, Southwest Hospital specializes in premature births.  Everything will be fine.  You’d be surprised by the endurance premies have.”

            “Good.  That’s a relief.  Are you saying I’m out of the woods then?”

            “No, but what I am saying is don’t concern yourself with this possibility, it is highly unlikely.”

            When Laraine reports the reassuring news to Scott it is as if he had never considered anything other than a perfectly healthy baby.  He doesn’t seem to understand why she would be concerned about the possibility of a premature birth in the first place.  Scott’s inability to worry about the unknown often proved to be one of his blind spots.

Finding Kinsey (original)

Book 1

Chapter 1

“Pregnant?!? A baby?  Scott, we’re pregnant.”

“Honey, I can’t believe it’s finally happening.  We’re going to be parents.  We are parents!”

            Dr. Feivel interrupts the burst of excitement that just entered her tiny, sterile doctor’s office.  “Okay, Mr. And Mrs. Dailey I know this is exciting news, and that’s great, but remember this is a risky pregnancy.  You’ve been trying for several years…”

            Still ecstatic Scott charges, “Yes, doc, we know.  It’s been just over eleven years.”

            “Yes, eleven long years.” Dr. Feivel continues, “You’ve both been preparing for this day.  Keep in mind, we must continue to be prepared for all possibilities.  Laraine, it all looks good so far.  I want to remind you however to avoid undue stress.  You need to take care of two of you now.  I want you to continue with the breathing exercises and don’t forget to keep walking and eating right.  Okay, I’ll see you in a month.  Feel free, either of you, to call me anytime, for any reason, I’m always available.”

Chapter 2

            That night after dinner while cleaning up the dishes Laraine turns to Scott with a hint of anticipation on her face,  “We’ve talked about it and now I can’t believe it’s true.  Scott we are parents!  Three years after being told it probably won’t ever happen – IT happened!”

            Placing a dish carefully in the dreain rack Scott is suddenly serious, “Laraine, can we do this?  I mean, we’re older now.  I’m old.  You know it’s gonna be hard to keep up with a little Scotty or Larainy now that we’re in our forties.”

            Wrapping his arms around her waste, she nestles his hands on her pudgy lower stomach slowly moves them over her belly.  Knowing that life lies in wait makes this exciting for the both of them.  However, Laraine knows Scott’s concerns are warranted, especially after last time.  “Scott, don’t,” she whispers.  Placing her finger over his lips she says, “Now’s not the time to question.  There’s no going back now,” and with intensity rising in her voice she blurts out, “We are parents and I think this calls for a celebration!”

Chapter 3

            Secretly doubt begins to creep in.  It began shortly after they received the news that they were expecting.  First, it manifested itself in realistic, horrifying nightmares.  As the third month approached, Laraine found herself terrified, living in fear of loosing the precious gift growing inside her.  This would be the last time.  If it happened again, she would never forgive herself for her selfishness.  After all, her body had already told her it couldn’t sustain life.  The bleeding.  The fear.  The pain.  She didn’t think she could live if it happened again.  So, the doubt crept in. 

            Scott began immediately buying small things on his lunch breaks, while grocery shopping and even while on business outings.  His only criteria was that it had to be small, and preferably soft.  He came home with small toys, small socks, and even travel size baby shampoo.  Scott was consumed with the idea of becoming a father.

            When Scott would come home with his “small finds” as they became known, Laraine would smile, tell him thank you with a kiss on the cheek and lay the gift in an old dresser drawer in their spare room.  And with that, Laraine would store away her doubt and fear, at least for the moment.  Many mornings while getting ready for work, Laraine would think of all the sweet gifts Scott had bought for her and the baby and cry.  Uncontrollable crying.  This fear was her secret and hers alone.  How could she introduce such doubt and confusion into his life?  He was so excited, and so patient all these years.  After all, he deserved the best.  He deserved nothing less than to be able to blissfully plan for his future, their future, their baby.  So she waited and feared in silence.

            Laraine never bought baby things.  In fact, Laraine found herself avoiding the baby departments at all of her favorite stores.  Furthermore, Laraine avoided babies all together.  It had been too painful for too many years.  Avoidance had become a necessity.  It’s still painful.  All the reassurance, all the small, cute things, they could never erase her fear that she could loose this baby too.  She tries to convince herself that if she doesn’t get too excited this time, maybe it won’t be taken away.  Maybe this time will be different.

            At six months, with Laraine’s approval, they begin searching for what would become the perfect baby room.  There’s no hiding that she’s pregnant now.  Everyone’s excited.  Most importantly, she’s allowing herself to become excited.  For Laraine, the most crucial time has passed.  The other one went away at four months.

Chapter 4

            “We’re having a boy, Mom… Yeah, everything’s fine.  He’s beautiful.  Scott is painting the room right now… blue of course.  No Mom, we won’t name him Britian (Persistence, Patience, Endurance).  I’ll let you know as soon as I know… we’re still playing around with a few ideas.”  Talking with her mom was always easy.  Mom was like an old friend, she knew how to make Laraine smile.

            Laraine was fortunate, her mother had a sense of humor and knew just what to say to make her laugh.  As Laraine was growing up she would often find herself sitting at the table across from her mother laughing uncontrollably.  It wouldn’t be long before that contagious laugh had them both in tears.  In fact, when Laraine had the opportunity to visit her mother in Virginia, they would often find themselves returning to this ritual.  It didn’t take much to make them laugh until they cried, a crooked smile, an old family photo, or even laughter itself would cause them to fall into a rage of contagious laughter.

Most importantly, Laraine knew her mother loved her.  Yes, she wanted a grandchild, a baby from her only child, but Mom always made it her business to see to it that Laraine was taking care of herself, and this was her primary concern. 

Chapter 5

            As they were sitting on the couch late one Saturday night after a day of running errands, Laraine placed her feet in Scott’s lap, which naturally gave him the cue to begin rubbing her aching, swollen feet.  As Scott began massaging the nuisance of pregnancy out of her feet, with an air of passivity, Laraine declares, “Scott, I’ve decided this is my last semester.”

            “Okay, honey.  Are you feeling okay?”  Scott asked with a serious tone of concern.

            “Oh yeah,” Laraine offered enthusiastically.  “I just think that it’s time to wrap up my career at the College.”

            “Well, we agreed that when it came that time, you would have to be the one to make the decision.  Have you considered any part-time positions?”

            “No.  I’m exhausted.  Besides, in just three months our lives are going to change drastically and I think that this time off will be good for both me and the baby.”

            “Okay, I just wanted you to explore all of your options.”

            With a hint of sarcasm on her face Laraine jokes, “Actually, I’ve been thinking.  If I stay home with the baby for the next five years, I’ll be close to retirement age and I’ll never have to go back to work.”

            “If that’s the case, we might want to start looking into Retirement homes as well!”

Chapter 6

            It was getting easier.  Each day, Laraine became more confident that everything was going to turn out okay.  In fact, she began to dream of holding her baby, rocking it, looking into it’s face while it slept.  The hauntings didn’t stop totally, but she reassured herself with each kick that the baby would be a healthy baby boy.  In fact, she knew the miracles of medical science and she knew that premature babies had a good possibility of growing into healthy adults.  So, she focused on the promises made by the doctors in the medical field whenever she would feel those pangs of doubt.

Book 2

Chapter 7

            Sirens.  Rushing.  Pushing.  Pulling.  Screaming.  Crying.  Falling.  Despair.  It wasn’t supposed to happen this way.  How could this happen?

            Laraine arrives in a state of panic, engulfed in a whirlwind of chaos.  She forgot her shoes.  She barely feels alive.  She doesn’t feel anything but confusion.  She sits down on the plastic chair in the waiting room.  It seems that the Earth is spinning out of control.  The doctor enters.  She sees two nurses and a older man follow him in.  She stands up immediately.  Even though she knows everything is out of control, she tries to collect herself and look bravely into the doctor’s eyes.  His words pierce her.  “Mrs. Dailey, your husband has passed away.”

            Loud screaming burst through her body and penetrates the four standing in silence and restraint before her.  No tears run down her face, just the uncontrollable sound of horror exploding.  Her legs give out.  She’s light headed.  And as she collapses to the floor, the doctor and the man with a tie lunge forward to catch her floundering body.  She is wailing and now the tears flood her face.  The sound, the look, their both distinct, and the onlookers do all they can not to turn away from the horror.  She wants them to leave her alone, but she doesn’t have the energy to fight them off.  So, she sits up sobbing, whipping her face, trying to compose herself…whatever it takes to get them to take their hands off of her.  She doesn’t want them touching her.  She doesn’t want them there.  But she feels the hopelessness that they see in her.

Chapter 8

            Unaware of why they called her to come to the hospital in the first place, she knew the news was bad.  But she refused to consider this possibility.  The man with the tie introduces himself as Teddy.  Teddy is a tall man around the age of 60.  He has a large build, yet his mannerisms and words are gentle.  Laraine imagines that he earned this name because of his teddy-bear like tenderness.  In fact, Teddy reminds Laraine of her deceased father.  Teddy introduces himself as the volunteer chaplain and for close to an hour, after the doctor and nurses left, Teddy and Laraine sat silently across from each other.  Just knowing that a stranger cared enough to give up his free time to sit with her during this awkward time was a relief to her.

            After several deep breathes Laraine was calm enough to ask, “What happened?”

            “It appears Mrs. Dailey that your husband, Mr. Scott Dailey, feel asleep at the wheel.”

            “Where?”  It was a strange question, but she needed the answer.

            “I believe he crashed into a barricade on the interstate.  He wasn’t too far from his law firm.”

            With that said, Laraine looked directly into his face and saw his own grief.  It was a strange comfort to know she wasn’t alone.

            Gently Teddy asked, “Mrs. Dailey, would you like for me to make phone calls to the family?”

            “Oh.  I guess I should do that.  What phone can I use?”

            Laraine struggled with how to tell their family.  She called his father and mother first.  They said they would call her later and hung up immediately.  Her mother however, offered to fly in right away.  Laraine told her it wasn’t necessary, but in reality, she longed for her mother’s tenderness.

Chapter  9

            At the funeral, Laraine and her family heard for the first time the details of what happened on that fatal day.  Scott had been working late researching a capital murder case.  He had gotten in late almost every night that month and was feeling groggy in the mornings.  But on that particular day, Scott got up as usual, got ready for work, and began his day.  Around 9:30 he decided to go out and get some fresh air and expresso at the café down the freeway.  On his way back to his office he feel asleep.  It was just a 10 or 15 minute drive.  Knowing this allowed Laraine to grasp hold of what really happened.  Afterall, how do you accept the “never agains” without knowing how it ended?

            Family, friends, coworkers and acquantences looked upon Laraine with pity.  Her petruding belly, her empty eyes…now a widow, now a single mother.  Laraine’s mother sat firmly with her arm snuggelled around her daughter.  This was Laraine’s only comfort.  Scott’s parents walked by her, looked upon her with the awckwardness of looking upon a still life in a museum, and without emotion, walked past her in a cold silence.

Chapter 10

            In the back sat a strong, gray-headed man.  Teddy had kept in touch with Laraine’s mother since their meeting in the hospital lobby on that devastating morning.  When the crowd had gathered into the funeral parlor so they could talk about the latest gossip, Laraine and her mother sat silently on the front row, staring at the dark coffin with their contrast of white and purple gladiolas heaped on top.  Teddy walked over to Laraine and her mother, and with an arthritic strain on his face, bent down on one knee and cupped both of Laraine’s hands in powerful palms.  “If there is anything I can do…” he began.

            Looking into his eyes, she let’s out a sigh of relief, “I need… I don’t know what to do.”
            Laraine’s mother patted Laraine on the shoulder, whispered, “I’ve got business to do,” and walked over to the steps leading up to the casket.  There she clasped her hands in prayer for her daughter and her unborn grandson.

            At this point Laraine sunk her chin into her chest and began to heave.

            “Laraine,” Teddy’s voice penetrated through her, “what do you need?”

            “I need hope.  I feel so alone.”

            “Laraine, do you mind if I pray for you?”

            “Please,” and with that, Laraine fell into Teddy’s lap.  As he prayed for her and the baby that would be born in just a few short months, Laraine felt a warmth flow over her body.  She did not understand all that Teddy was praying for her, for her sobs drowned him out, but she knew that his prayers were a part of her healing process.

Chapter 11

            When her healthy baby boy was born, Laraine knew that she truly experienced a miracle.  Although God took away her life partner, her best friend, and her lover, she realized that God gave her the blessing of a lifetime, a baby, a piece of herself, and a piece of her husband.  So, it was fitting that her son be named Kinsey, which means ‘offspring.’  It was shortly after giving birth to Kinsey that Teddy came into the brightly colored hospital room with a gift from his church.  He literally had to duck through the balloons to find his way to Laraine.  “Wow, Laraine, it looks like you are very loved.  How are you feeling?”

            “I’m great.  Have you seen him?  He’s still in the nursery getting his notorious fingerprinting!”
            “Yes, I must say Laraine, he is beautiful.  Here, I brought you a little something that I thought would help you to be an excellent mother.”  With that said, Teddy handed Laraine a brightly colored bag.  Opening it, Laraine recognized it right away.  It was a bible.  A smile crept over her face and she pulled Teddy’s hand to her face and she kissed it.  At that moment, the nurse wheeled the baby into the room.  Laraine, Mom, and Teddy anxiously walked over to the clear plastic container that contained the baby and looked in at him as if they were admiring the prettiest gem they ever saw.

            Laraine picked up her pink son, cradled him, and gently placed him in Teddy’s arms.  Laraine’s mother piped up, “You better be gentle with him, he’s one in a million,” and they all laughed.

            Laraine picked up the Bible, “You know, Teddy, you’re the third person who’s ever held my bundle of joy.  I was wondering if you could do the honor of helping Mom and me pick out a middle name?”

            “I know the perfect name, Kinsey Tobias Dailey,” Teddy said with a tear streaming down his face.  “Tobias,” Teddy continued, “literally means God is great.  I think that is a fitting name for such a precious gift.”

            Three months later, Laraine, her mother, and Teddy presented Kinsey Tobias Dailey to their church during the annual baby dedication ceremony.  As Teddy held Kinsey, all three adults marveled at the faithfulness of God, his awesome mercy, and his persistent love, as they individually dedicated Kinsey to God.

Happy Hor

Dedicated to those who try to escape a hopeless lifestyle, but live with its haunts.

He was watching me from across the room.  If I leaned forward, the column would block his view.  Although I couldn’t force myself to look directly at him, I could feel his eyes piercing through me.  I forced the shot of whisky down my throat.  It felt warm as it slowly moved its way into my stomach.  Inside I felt hot but my body was shivering from the cold.  I couldn’t tell if it was me, or the room, but everything seemed damp and frozen in time.  I placed my hat deliberately on my head and got up from the bar stool, making sure to turn away from him, and tossing a five dollar bill on the counter, I walked towards the door.  His stare never left me.  I picked up my pace as I neared the darkened entrance and swinging the door a little too forcefully I found myself standing outside the bar.  I looked up and saw  “HAPPY HOR” flashing red above me.  I couldn’t help but notice that the light in the  “U” was burned out.  I had seen the sign regularly over the last several months, but this time it struck a cord in me.  The sign seemed to be mocking me.  I turned toward Grove Street, hoping to escape the mockery.  Grove Street was lined with little shops.  I took my time as I walked passed them, eyeing the new pillows and knick-knacks that are a must for every sophisticated home.  As my pulse slowed, so did my steps.  I saw the entrance to the butcher shop.  As I strolled past the window, I noticed the “Open” sign hanging lazily there.  “I guess they forgot to turn the sign before leaving,” I said to myself.  The innocent “Open” sign became my newest taunt. As I walked down the empty sidewalk I felt like I was in a freezer.  I began to wonder if hell is cold.  If so, maybe Chicago is my hell.  With my mind’s eye I saw the man in the bar, the one I had escaped from.  His stare made me feel vulnerable once again.  Reflecting back, I recalled how he clumsily undressed me.  I felt like a piece of meat as I hung there in front of him.  I cringed and shook as this metaphor caught my attention. 

            I walked up the stairs to my loft on the second floor.  All the way up, I stomped on the steps to break the ice off my shoes.  I know Mr. Gardner hates it when I do this, so I stomp a little louder in front of his door as I walk down the corridor.  Entering my humble abode, which I affectionately call “the rat hole,” I turned on my kitchen light hoping to scare the unwanted creatures away.  The last one ran into the hole between the wall and the cabinet.  As I caught sight of it I decided I didn’t have the energy to pick up the bug spray on the counter and begin another war.  So, I let it go.  Instead, I opened my cabinet and pulled out a bottle of Crown Royal.  I unscrewed the lid and swallowed deep, hoping this would dispel my fears and allow one night of good sleep.  Opening my bedroom door I saw my full size bed resting snuggly between the two walls.  I sat on the edge of my mattress.  Making just enough room for my body, I flung my clothes across the room, and brushed the magazines onto the floor.  I laid there with my eyes open.  “Crap, left the light on again.”  I got up and turned the kitchen light out and laid back down.  The clock said 2:33.  I closed my eyes. 

            I saw his blonde mustache.  I sat up, my eyes bulging.  I couldn’t see anything.  My body felt tight, like it was stretched out to its fullest length and about ready to give.  I felt my heart pounding in my throat and my fists.  I listened.  Hearing the hum of the heater I tried to relax but my neck was stiff and my ears were still alert.  My eyes, although wide and dry, could only make out the shape of my footboard.  It looked like a frame in an old mental hospital, rounded corners and pixels every few inches.  I could feel the cold penetrating the sweatshirt and jeans I was wearing.  “Why change now, I don’t have anything warmer,” I mumbled to myself.  So I propped up my pillow and leaned my head back, resting my back muscles.  The last time I looked at the clock it read 5:17.

            I had a nightmare that night.  As always, the labyrinth was cold and dark just like my apartment, with walls that hemmed me in at every side.  I walked with my arms held out tense in front of me, my eyes wide as they could get. I inched little by little through the obstacle course.  The walls felt sticky, slimy.  I heard the echo of a ticking clock in my ears.  I shook my head, trying to make it disappear.  I was trying to get away from him, but no matter which way I turned, I felt his warm deep breath on the back of my neck.  In the past, I have had similar nightmares.  Occasionally I found myself scurrying through haunted mansions, an exotic jungle, and even an old abandoned factory near the house I grew up in.  Although this kind of nightmare was not unusual to me, this time the visions seemed more realistic than ever before.  The mission was always the same, find a path to safety and get out alive.  I never made it out before waking up.  That night was no different.

            Seeing him at the bar revived my panic impulses.  We grew up together.  I never liked him.  He was the kind of boy that scared you not because of anything he said or did, but because of his blank stare. 

A few months ago I was walking home after treating myself to the dollar cinema.  I can’t even remember what I went to see, I think it was some B movie that was supposed to be funny.  I don’t remember laughing much.  As I was leaving, I noticed the sky was clear and I welcomed the thought of sleeping in the next morning.  Just as this thought entered my mind, he approached me from behind.

            “Hey, want a beer?”

            Jerking around, I caught sight of him.  “Uh, no thanks.”

            “Don’t you remember me?”  He then giggled a little uneasily.  “It’s me, Johnny.  We went to High School together, remember?”

            I couldn’t help but notice that his eyes were dilated and the expression on his face was emotionless.  It was that same look that made me wince away from him while we were in school.

            “Yeah… Umm, of course I remember you Johnny,” I was trying to keep it simple, trying to be deliberate and careful with my word choice.  I picked up my pace.

            “All I want is just one drink with you for old time’s sake,” he said.   With this invitation I noticed a slur in his voice and realized that he would not take no for an answer.

            “Okay, sure.  Hustler’s is up the street, we can have a beer there but I can’t stay long.”

            Johnny made reference that we went to high school together but that wasn’t exactly true.  Johnny had dropped out of the eighth grade.  However, he seemed to always make his way over to the high school campus about the time school was letting out.  He was always by himself.  One time he walked up to me just as I was approaching my car.  I think he wanted to ask me out on a date, but he just stood there in front of me, speechless.  I didn’t know what to do so I said, “I gotta go, I’m going to be late for work at the Burger Barn.”  So I got in my car and drove away as quickly as I could.  When I looked in my rear-view mirror he was still standing there in that same dumbfounded pose.  That image haunted me for a long time.  My friends joked that I attracted all the creeps and my older brother said maybe he was “love struck” or “dumb struck.”  None of their teasing helped my insecurities.

            Since that day, I have seen him around town, mostly eyeing him from a distance panhandling for money.  Now, thirteen years after he first approached me he was in front of me again.  As we sat in the booth across from each other I tried to be polite, but I could tell he was hanging on to every word I said.  So I tried not to talk much.  He kept asking me, “Why aren’t to married yet?  How can a beautiful girl like you stay single for so long?”  I wanted to run, to get out of there but my pity kept me motionless.

            The next thing I remember is feeling like I was in some kind of twilight zone.  The room was spinning and a strobe light seemed to distort my vision and made me lose track of time.  I was laying on my back when I noticed him standing over me.  I think he may have been talking but all I heard was the sound of a beating drum, the bass jolting my body.  He leaned over me and brought his full mustache in contact with my mouth.  I didn’t have the ability to turn my head.  Everything was in slow motion.  I felt sick and angry as I realized that he was forcing himself upon me.  I kept trying to say, “Stop” but I heard my own voice gargle in the chaos.  His hands went in for my neck, but instead of choking me, he began to unbutton my shirt.  That is all I remember.

            The next morning I woke up in my own apartment.  My door was unlocked.  I don’t know where he took me or what he did to me.  I don’t know how I got home.  I don’t even know his last name.  For fear of sounding like a complete moron I decided not to press charges.  Maybe, I rationalized, he thought I was still a prostitute.