Alicia Costello

Marriage, Sex, and “Special Relationships” in the Oneida Community

            I have been fascinated at the idea of the family in a utopia for quite a while now. The structures of the family, especially in our texts Herland and Anthem intrigued me to question if the nuclear family, and by that, I mean the immediate family of husband, wife, children, had a place in utopian communities. As it often proves, however, the truth is stranger than fiction, and the real-life marriage and family practices of intentional communities in the 19^th century soon began to overtake my studies. This was my mindset going into the research posting. When I first sat down to research, I wanted to look at how historical intentional communities in America dealt with the nuclear family, such as the Oneida, the early Mormons, and the Shakers. Each of these practiced a type of family structure that was vastly different than the norm: Oneidas had no marriage and practiced a polite form of eugenics, Mormons’ polygamist families often had 4 wives and their children in a two-room shack, and the Shakers renounced sex and marriage completely and sought communal parenting. I started out with the questions of “How does the family dynamic play out in early Mormons, the Oneida, and the Shakers?” and “What dynamics worked?  Which did not seem to work?  How much was the community willing to change/reform their beliefs in order to accommodate their members?”

            I quickly realized that lack of evidence and infrastructure put a cold end to my Shakers question. The other two sects, however, have much written about them. I soldiered on with those two. I began researching by pulling up the file the class found during the Oneida web review, the autobiography written by Corinna Ackley Noyes, who was a granddaughter of John Humphrey Noyes, the leader of the Oneida Community. She was born in the commune and her autobiography details some of the experiences of the Children’s House and the community meetings, but as she was only seven years old when John Noyes commanded his people to abandon the practice of Complex Marriage in 1879, she could not be a good fit for research into the practice itself (Hillebrand). While hitting a dead end on the Oneida side, I began reading a book I had found online—the autobiography of Brigham Young’s 19^th wife and an expose on early polygamy. Unfortunately, to undertake two subjects is too much for this project and though I enjoyed reading all the dirt on the early Mormons, writing on both of them proved to be too much project for this assignment. However, the nature of the Mormon book began to set things in place for the Oneida research. I began to crave a first-hand account. One of the three hundred must have written it down in an autobiography, newspaper article, diary, something. Through Corinna’s story and the other links on the Archives page of the Syracuse Library, I found mentions of a diary, released in 1993, written by Tirzah Miller, who lived in the community and practice Complex Marriage, writing all about it in her diary. Fortunately, the UHCL library just happened to have a copy of it. I made a quick trip to the library.

            Tirzah’s diary is a most interesting read. Her practices in Complex Marriage are well-documented here. She has a tendency for “special relationships,” or forming special attachments to certain men—in short, she falls in love, a lot. One case in particular, with Edward Inslee, comes about when they are hand-picked by John Noyes to produce a child. Tirzah records, “J.H.N. said he liked the combination very much” (66). Noyes is often intimately involved in Tirzah’s affairs; after every troubling letter or unkind word or dispute between friends, someone involves Noyes. Upon learning they have fallen in love, they are forbidden to see each other, and eventually, Edward is forced out of the community. He is forbidden to come upon the community grounds to see his son. Edward fights an unsuccessful custody battle for his child, because battling Tirzah means battling the community. After breaking up her love affair, the community next turns on her relationship with her child. Tirzah records just six months after the baby is born, “Mr. Noyes wanted to have me to wean little Haydn. I consented, though it is one of the great sacrifices of my life” (102). She sends him to the Children’s House when he is 18 months and she gets time akin to modern-day visitation with him. Though Edward is long gone, Tirzah continues to think about him and is still very much in love with him, even as much as five years later. He is the Great Love of the thirty years she kept the diary. She never mentions the father of her first child, and she references her first child twice; presumably, he has already gone to live in the Children’s House. Noyes later tells Tirzah that “Edward was a wicked man before I was acquainted with him” (138). Later, she forms a special relationship with a much younger Henry Hunter. At this breakup, he too left the community.

            Through the entire diary, Tirzah records an action or word of John Noyes in most of her journal entries. Even though he was her uncle, she was an sexual favorite of his, and he took a strong liking to her. Noyes is sometimes the overbearing, dominating figure history makes him out to be, but other times he is a peacemaker and a few times, gives Tirzah good advice on her situations. One very much understands that sex and babies were a community decision at Oneida. Parents were arranged from lists and either picked by Noyes or voted upon by the community in the public meetings. The society is so close-knit and concerned with one another’s business, it reminds me of high school, with John Noyes as the ring-leader. Tirzah even writes that “it is a fact that this second generation has thus far had its attention more on its social relations than on salvation. The Community will die if this continues” (80). This community is often beneficial, but the community produces a negative side, too; later on the same page, Tirzah notes of a committee called to criticize Edward behind his back. Even though Tirzah has a steady job as the editor of the community paper during this time, less than ten of her entries are about work—most of her life revolved around the society and the instances of the day. Theodore Noyes tells Tirzah that, to find her a mate for her next child, “he must go all over the men in the Community, and select the best scientific combination” (116). She later says that she “told Mr. Noyes this evening that I had made up my mind to be thoroughly scientific” (117). Having a child was anything but a personal decision—the choices were lined up by the community, although some preference was allowed to be given.

            The answer to my question is that family dynamics in the Oneidas were a completely social thing—everyone was involved in the business of everyone else. If one was not intimately knowledgeable with the person causing the latest social ruckus, the community-wide criticisms made sure you were up to speed. At the helm of it all was John Noyes, who I think really made people believe he was indispensible, but to me, seems like the biggest gossip queen of them all. Tirzah was willing to endure the expulsion of two “special lovers” and giving up her relationship with her son for the community. She believed that, in the end and for the sake of the community, it was worth it. While she still felt that giving up her relationships with her husband and child felt wrong, the leadership and support by the community was effective enough for her to accept the challenges as something that had to be done.  The Oneida community was unwilling to bend their beliefs for a community member’s feelings—this practice of no special treatment, I believe, held the Community together longer. Toward the end, however, a careful reader sees this equality breaking down: Theodore Noyes, the leader’s son, and Ann Hobart seem to become a “special love” that appears to go uncriticized during the later part of Tirzah’s entries. The title to Fogarty’s book is an accurate depiction: Tirzah is constantly torn between the man she loves and the Community in which she lives.

Hillebrand, Randall. “The Shakers/Oneida Community, Part Two.”  New York History Net. http://www.nyhistory.com/central/oneida.htm.

Fogarty, Robert S. Duty and Desire at Oneida: Tirzah Miller’s Intimate Memoir. Bloomington, IN: Indiana UP, 2000. Print.        

http://www.laurahatch.com/Oneida%20Community%20Web/wc02/wc02_442.htm --a website that gives “family cards” of the Oneida; one can look a member up by surname, see all of their “spouses” and children, and learn date and location of deaths. A great help for finding more concrete facts of the people Tirzah only knew as “Aunt-So-and-So.”

http://library.syr.edu/digital/guides/o/OneidaCommunityCollection/