LITR 3731: Creative Writing 2008
Student Poetry Submission
Mallory Rogers
For You, Brother
I am sitting here in front of you
but in reality you’re really far from me.
A black and white picture on your tombstone,
Fake sunflowers, a silver Dr. Pepper, and January 21, 2003…
They’re all too busy getting in the way so I can’t see.
Do you think that somebody could explain to this family
Why this is the way that things have to be?
Why am I under this tree?
I miss you, Brother
Because now there are only us three.
I remember when we would go to Taqueria
And We’d drink our morning tea.
Sometimes we would talk about you, sometimes about me.
But instead of there, I’m here, at your grave.
And what I see, four years later, is still hard to believe.
“Want me to take care of him” you’d ask.
“No, that’s okay. I can take care of me.”
What I never got to tell you is Thank You.
You gave me the tools that I need.
Even though we had different last names you were still a part of me.
I’ll never forget the times you told me, “Be mean!”
“Suck it up and deal with it!”
“You can’t be in love when you’re a teen.”
So I wrote this, actually, for Chris to see.
To say I love you, just in case the same thing ever happens to me.
Mallory Rogers
March 2, 2008
Poem and Revision Accounts
Whenever I first heard that we were going to be writing a poem I wasn’t all that excited about it. Although it isn’t hard for me to talk about my feelings and thoughts; it’s a whole other story to write about them. So, I sat down and really gave thought to what mattered, what was left unfinished. I came to remember this poem as the first and last idea I stumbled upon.
Although this piece is a few years old, I left it untouched and sort of tucked away as to hope that no one would find it and read it, or at least I’m assuming that’s why! As a result, I wanted to share it with my peers and I also anticipated their honest feedback. I wanted the poem to be better, and more precise. I wanted it to read out as exactly the way I feel now, with nothing left out and the best expressions for the emotions I pictured.
The first editor is a fellow peer at UHCL, Donna Shotwell. Because the poem is a personal account, I felt good about sharing it with someone that I considered to be not only a classmate, but a friend as well. She said that the poem “captured emotion” and “real-time.” The first thing that she mentioned though was the “can see” in the first stanza. She thought it should be “can’t” and I thought that made more sense than the “can.” She also suggested to drop the helper words; for instance “so” in the second line and again in the third stanzas. Donna also suggested that I play with the stanzas to make the lines shorter. While it looked better on paper, breaking it up made the poem as a whole slow and drawn out, I felt. Yes, it’s about pain and sorrow, but it’s also about life and how quick everything happens at the same time. In addition to the minor changes, she thought that I could appeal to a larger audience if I left out the sentence “even though we have last names…” Although that would be a suggestion I would take into consideration if I indeed wanted to appeal to an audience, I would, but I chose to leave it in. Although I’d really love for groups of people to be able to relate and appreciate what I’m saying in the poem, I really wrote this poem about myself and my particular situation. In a nutshell, I wrote the poem for me. Finally, she asked why the quotes in the fourth stanza and I wasn’t sure, so I took them out. The whole poem was sort of what I wanted to say, not just the “thank you” part.
Moving on to the next creative writing peer editor, Bryan McDonald’s comments, they were also reiterations of the first editor’s comments. He felt that the poem is “extremely powerful” and also provided an “in-depth look” into the situation. He questioned whether the teasing was playful but he got the idea overall. He did ask that I change the “because” in the next to last line to “So I wrote…” and I really liked that better than the because. He said his mother used to tell him how important it was to express your feelings and that he thought this poem was a good example of his mother’s saying. I have to say that when I read that I felt proud and accomplished. I wanted people to use my situation of an example of what not to do, and he understood the meaning perfectly.
With these few changes I believe that this poem is a better version of the poem I had originally wrote. I am grateful to the two editors that have already offered suggestions and I also look forward to hearing your suggestions as well. I like the way it is now, but the more I tweak it, the more I appreciate it. Like I said before, I want this poem to be the best that it can be. The more that read it the better.
FIRST DRAFT:
For You, Brother
I am sitting here in front of you
but in reality you’re really so far from me.
A black and white picture on your tombstone,
Fake sunflowers, a silver Dr. Pepper, and January 21, 2003…
They’re all too busy getting in the way so I can see.
Do you think that somebody could explain to this family
Why this is the way that things have to be?
Why am I under this tree?
I miss you, Brother
Because now there are only us three.
I remember when we would go to Taqueria
And We’d drink our morning tea.
Sometimes we would talk about you, sometimes about me.
But instead of there, I’m here, at your grave.
And what I see, even four years later, is still so hard to believe.
“Want me to take care of him” you’d ask.
“No, that’s okay. I can take care of me.”
What I never got to tell you is Thank You.
You gave me the tools that I need.
Even though we had different last names you were still a part of me.
I’ll never forget the times you told me, “Be mean!”
“Suck it up and deal with it!”
“You can’t be in love when you’re a teen.”
Because I never told you anything—I wrote this, actually, for Chris to see.
To say I love you, just in case the same thing ever happens to me.
SECOND DRAFT, WITH SOME OF DONNA’S SUGGESTIONS:
For You, Brother
I am sitting here in front of you
but in reality you’re really far from me.
A black and white picture on your tombstone,
Fake sunflowers, a silver Dr. Pepper, and January 21, 2003…
They’re all too busy getting in the way so I can’t see.
Do you think that somebody could explain to this family
Why this is the way that things have to be?
Why am I under this tree?
I miss you, Brother
Because now there are only us three.
I remember when we would go to Taqueria
And We’d drink our morning tea.
Sometimes we would talk about you, sometimes about me.
But instead of there, I’m here, at your grave.
And what I see, four years later, is still hard to believe.
“Want me to take care of him” you’d ask.
“No, that’s okay. I can take care of me.”
What I never got to tell you is Thank You.
You gave me the tools that I need.
Even though we had different last names you were still a part of me.
I’ll never forget the times you told me, “Be mean!”
“Suck it up and deal with it!”
“You can’t be in love when you’re a teen.”
Because I never told you anything—I wrote this, actually, for Chris to see.
To say I love you, just in case the same thing ever happens to me.
FINAL DRAFT WITH DONNA AND BRYAN’S REVISIONS:
For You, Brother
I am sitting here in front of you
but in reality you’re really far from me.
A black and white picture on your tombstone,
Fake sunflowers, a silver Dr. Pepper, and January 21, 2003…
They’re all too busy getting in the way so I can’t see.
Do you think that somebody could explain to this family
Why this is the way that things have to be?
Why am I under this tree?
I miss you, Brother
Because now there are only us three.
I remember when we would go to Taqueria
And We’d drink our morning tea.
Sometimes we would talk about you, sometimes about me.
But instead of there, I’m here, at your grave.
And what I see, four years later, is still hard to believe.
“Want me to take care of him” you’d ask.
“No, that’s okay. I can take care of me.”
What I never got to tell you is Thank You.
You gave me the tools that I need.
Even though we had different last names you were still a part of me.
I’ll never forget the times you told me, “Be mean!”
“Suck it up and deal with it!”
“You can’t be in love when you’re a teen.”
So I wrote this, actually, for Chris to see.
To say I love you, just in case the same thing ever happens to me.
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