LITR 3731: Creative Writing 2008
Student Poetry Submission
Rachel Barton
Chaotic Clarity
Can aesthetics
be translated into tangible?
Can emotions
be conveyed to the sight?
Can a feeling
form the physical
on a canvas
empty and white?
A moment in time
entangles cognition
with thoughts and possibilities of what could be--defined.
The ambiguity--
what the future holds,
births anxiety
brushing the surface, vacant and cold.
Can dreams
change to reality?
Can new life
be obtained?
Can true love
Prevail against odds
of resistance and pain?
Inspiration
frees captive ambition--
allows the artist to find clarity in what lies within--the mind
The necessity
of limning this enigmatic dream
frees the heart to embrace the unknown
and fill the void with a new scene
The fear of chaos
is won by the same:
paint is bespattered;
pigment is sprayed.
Colors crash and flow
some mingle, some stray
the cadent rhythm of liquid on cloth:
creation of a bright new day.
To live anew
essential risks must be taken
in this chaotic masterpiece, my life--
an artistic creation.
(original poem without revisions)
Chaotic Clarity
Can aesthetics
be translated into tangible?
Can emotions
be conveyed to the sight?
Can a feeling
be formed into the physical...
on a canvas
empty and white?
A moment in time
entangles cognition
with thoughts and possibilities of what could be
--defined.
The ambiguity
of what the future holds
contributes to anxiety
of brushing the surface: vacant and cold
Can dreams
be transformed into reality?
Can true love
be actually obtained?
Can fear of the unknown
be conquered
against the odds of resistance and pain?
A moment in time
frees captive ambition--
allows the artist to find clarity in what lies within
--the mind
The necessity
of limning this mind's enigmatic dream
frees the heart to venture into the unknown
and fill the formless void with a new scene
The strong fear of chaos
is overcome by the same:
paint is bespattered
pigment is sprayed
Colors crash and flow
some mingle, some stand alone
the cadent rhythm of liquid on cloth
the creation of a new world's glow
For new life to be found
An essential risk must be taken
In this chaotic masterpiece
In experiencing life as an artistic creation
The Revision Account
When first given the assignment to write my own poetry piece, I was quite unsure of how to begin. I have never actually written poetry prior to this class and was impressed by the poetry written presented in class by the other students. As uncertain as I was about what to write--but being an artist--it occurred to me to concentrate on how painting a work of art is kind of like my life. My inspiration for the poem was found when I had recently been commissioned to paint a large mural for a neighbor’s bedroom wall. Staring at this huge, white wall, I found that I was immediately presented with the daunting task of how to bring to life the scene my neighbor wanted. Since I had never painted such a large wall in full detail before, I was faced with thoughts of where to begin and feared that I would make an irreversible mistake in my painting. However, after I took some chances, splattered some paint, and discounted the idea that the completed project would be less than desirable, it all started to come together quite nicely to the patron’s delight. The whole process reminded me of how life starts off as a blank slate and is “painted” with experiences that one must sometimes take chances to obtain.
For this poem, I received my feedback from a draft exchange. Since this was my first poem that I had ever attempted, I was surprised at the positive feed back and was delighted by the constructive comments expressed by my readers. My first critique came from I also received advice from my close friend Harpreet Kaur, a fellow honors student from Lee College in Baytown, the college I graduated from. Since Harpreet loves to read, I found her to be trustworthy source.
Actually starting with the third line of stanza 4, Harpreet advised:
“Can you use “births anxiety” instead of “contributes to” because it is more concise?”
For this, I definitely agreed and took her advice.
For the first line of stanza 9, Harpreet made a very helpful suggestion:
“You could eliminate ‘strong’ since fear, any kind of fear is strong…and your poem illustrates that this fear is strong.”
I found that eliminating the word “strong” was a good idea.
Bethany Roachell, a friend and classmate who has had lots of experience in writing poetry. The major change that she suggested was in the punctuation of the poem. She suggested that I should take out the ellipsis within the first two stanzas because they really didn't add anything extra to the poem's rythym or meaning. For example:
Can aesthetics
be translated into tangible?
Can emotions
be conveyed to the sight?
Can a feeling
be formed into the physical
on a canvas
empty and white?
Next, Bethany suggested that I merge the fourth lines of the third and seventh stanzas into the third lines instead of having four lines for these stanzas. For example:
A moment in time
entangles cognition
with thoughts and possibilities of what could be--defined.
and
A moment in time
frees captive ambition (she told me to take out the double dashes at the end of this line)
allows the artist to find clarity in what lies within--the mind
Another minor change in punctuation was in the tenth stanza. She said that I should add a semicolon to the end of the second line of the stanza and end the sentence of "Colors crash and flow; some mingle, some stand alone" with a period. She also told me that I should add a colon to the end of the third line. To complete the sentence, it then seemed logical to add the word "in" to "the cadent rythym of liquid on cloth" and end the sentence in the fourth line. Overall, I learned through Bethany's comments that since I was working with punctuation, I should consider making it consistent.
Colors crash and flow;
some mingle, some stand alone
in the cadent rhythm of liquid on cloth:
the creation of a new world's glow.
So, this is what I had at the end of Bethany's critiques:
Chaotic Clarity
Can aesthetics
be translated into tangible?
Can emotions
be conveyed to the sight?
Can a feeling
be formed into the physical
on a canvas
empty and white?
A moment in time
entangles cognition
with thoughts and possibilities of what could be--defined.
The ambiguity
of what the future holds
births anxiety
of brushing the surface: vacant and cold.
Can dreams
be transformed into reality?
Can true love
be actually obtained?
Can fear of the unknown
be conquered
against the odds of resistance and pain?
A moment in time
frees captive ambition--
allows the artist to find clarity in what lies within--the mind
The necessity
of limning this mind's enigmatic dream
frees the heart to venture into the unknown
and fill the formless void with a new scene
The fear of chaos
is overcome by the same:
paint is bespattered
pigment is sprayed
Colors crash and flow
some mingle, some stand alone
the cadent rhythm of liquid on cloth
the creation of a new world's glow
For new life to be found
An essential risk must be taken
In this chaotic masterpiece
In experiencing life as an artistic creation
Overall, Harpreet’s and Bethany's comments were helpful; however, the content was still a bit wordy and heavy. We played with a few ideas, but they did not seem to work and we kept coming back to the original wording. My instruction concerning content largely came from Professor White. Since the poem was very heavy in the wording, Dr. White suggested that I use more concrete, Germanic words to make the work read more smoothly. For instance, he proposed that the second stanza “Can a feeling be formed into the physical” be changed to “Can a feeling form the physical” which I agreed completely with.
Can a feeling
form the physical
on a canvas
empty and white?
For the fourth stanza, he helped me shorten it up by inserting pauses and taking out useless words and syllables.
He and I changed the fourth stanza from this …
The ambiguity
of what the future holds
births anxiety
of brushing the surface: vacant and cold.
To this…
The ambiguity--
what the future holds,
births anxiety
brushing the surface, vacant and cold.
These changes made this stanza read more easily.
On the fifth stanza, Dr. White commented that the use of multi-syllabic words also made the stanza hard to read. Therefore, I changed “Can dreams be ‘transformed into’ reality” to a shorter phrase: “Can dreams change to reality.” Also, I felt that together the words “actually obtained” in the fourth line were not needed and I found that they sounded better as “be obtained.” Looking at the fifth and sixth stanzas together, I moved the idea of “love” from the fifth to the sixth and replaced “true love” in stanza 5, line 3 with “new life.” I then moved “love” down to the sixth stanza. After Dr. White mentioned the word “prevail” to go in place of “be conquered” in the sixth stanza, I knew I had to do something with such a word.
Can dreams
Change to reality?
Can new life
be obtained?
Can love
Prevail against odds
of resistance and pain?
Next, for the seventh stanzy, Dr. White commented that I should rethink the first line and develop it more. Instead of using “a moment in time,” I decided to simply use the word “inspiration” to make the line more direct and I found that it worked nicely:
Inspiration
frees captive ambition--
allows the artist to find clarity in what lies within--the mind
Among other minor changes, Dr. White suggested the Germanic word “won” to relace “overcome” in stanza 9, line 2. I really liked this change; sometimes direct, single-syllable words can make a huge difference in improving the sound of a line:
The fear of chaos
is won by the same:
paint is bespattered;
pigment is sprayed.
I also decided to change the tenth and final stanzas to the following because I thought they sounded better if they were simpler; I definitely liked to use the word “stray” in the second line of the tenth stanza. For the ryhme scheme, I changed the fourth line accordingly:
Colors crash and flow
some mingle, some stray
the cadent rhythm of liquid on cloth:
creation of a bright new day.
To live life anew
essential risks must be taken
in this chaotic masterpiec, my life--
an artistic creation.
The Completely Revised Poem
Chaotic Clarity
Can aesthetics
be translated into tangible?
Can emotions
be conveyed to the sight?
Can a feeling
form the physical
on a canvas
empty and white?
A moment in time
entangles cognition
with thoughts and possibilities of what could be--defined.
The ambiguity--
what the future holds,
births anxiety
brushing the surface, vacant and cold.
Can dreams
change to reality?
Can new life
be obtained?
Can true love
Prevail against odds
of resistance and pain?
Inspiration
frees captive ambition--
allows the artist to find clarity in what lies within--the mind
The necessity
of limning this enigmatic dream
frees the heart to embrace the unknown
and fill the void with a new scene
The fear of chaos
is won by the same:
paint is bespattered;
pigment is sprayed.
Colors crash and flow
some mingle, some stray
the cadent rhythm of liquid on cloth:
creation of a bright new day.
To live anew
essential risks must be taken
in this chaotic masterpiec, my life--
an artistic creation.
Final Thoughts
In my opinion, the current status of my revised manuscript is much stronger than the first draft. I like the wording better, and I think it flows together better overall than it once did. As far as further development, any other comments would be greatly appreciated. I am always open to further revisions. I will be sending the recent revisions to the people who initially helped me rework it, as well as others. If others think it is good, I might post it to a poetry website. I really am pleased with the developments and intend to continue to write poetry and experiment with new ideas.
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