LITR 3731: Creative Writing 2006
Student Poetry Submission
Heidi Gerke
Distant Apparitions
Even the glancing touch
Leaves a fingerprint.
A residue that draws upon
The slate of memory
A question remaining,
Withstanding the test of time.
Brushing soft caresses
Shy of true contact on
A broken heart, fractured.
Shattered in one moment
When crushing solitude turns
Real and achingly suffocates.
So perniciously beautiful
Is the memory that clings.
Built without reason,
No face, but it’s still real.
A surreal lack of feeling
When there is no touch to
Draw these feelings upon.
Not with these apparitions
That dominate the mind.
Formed from emotions
With merely a name to breathe.
There’s nothing to hold
These ghosts at fingertips
Have imprinted on my heart…
Revision Account
When I wrote this poem, I was taking into consideration the things we’d read in class. I actually prefer to write in form rather than free-verse. But for this assignment, I decided to try something new. I like taking on challenges in my writing, that is why this poem is written in free-verse. The topic of the poem is actually the relationships formed online with people over instant messengers and chatrooms. Most people don’t think highly of these situations, but in truth, it is highly popular among almost all age groups that know the computer and internet world.
The original draft was as follows:
Distant Apparitions
Even the glancing touch
Leaves a fingerprint.
A residue that draws upon
The slate of memory
A question remaining on
Withstanding the test of time.
Brushing soft caress
Shy of true contact upon
A broken heart, fractured.
Shattered in one moment
When crushing solitude turns
Real and achingly suffocates.
So perniciously beautiful
Is the memory that clings.
There is no necessity,
No face, but it’s still real.
A surreal lack of feeling
When there is no touch to
Draw these feelings upon.
Not with these apparitions
That dominate the mind.
Drawn upon feelings with
Lack of sensory projection.
There’s nothing to hold on to
These ghosts at fingertips but
They have stolen my heart…
Each line has a hidden significance to my subject. I played on the idea that no matter the act, people leave marks on one another in many ways. This is no less true with friends and people we meet over the internet. Just because we can’t see them or touch them, doesn’t mean they aren’t real. It’s a melancholic attachment that is strained and hopeful all at once. Yet, with this in mind, I also wanted it to be taken in other ways than my original intent. It’s very cryptic and this was intended. I like to compact meaning into short lines and ideas. I also played with enjambment and punctuation to give effect. I wanted the imagery to be pretty explicit, while at the same time be very vague. It was intended to leave the feeling of ‘ghosts’ or ‘apparitions’ on the reader.
I was pretty happy with the results, but after
getting critiques from both Melissa and Neelam, I noticed things I’d not
thought of before. It is interesting to me, that both seemed to pick up on my
intent. I had not mentioned what was the drive behind my poem. They were both
supportive and helpful in their feedback. One thing I noticed was that I
didn’t truly break away from form. I arranged the poem in 2 six-line stanzas,
2 four-line stanzas, 2 two-line stanzas, and ended it with two solitaire lines.
It was odd how it just came out that way as I wrote. But Melissa pointed out
something that seemed to explain my thoughts even better for this action. “I
love that your stanzas get smaller and smaller until, in the end, you only have
2 one-line stanzas. Visually it looks as though the actual poem is fading
and becoming an apparition in the distance”. Where I didn’t plan this, it
fits perfectly with what I wanted the reader to feel.
Both Melissa and Neelam seemed drawn
to my opening stanza. Neelam stated the first two lines as “such a great
intro” where Melissa counted it as her favorite in the poem. I only made a few
changes here in my final draft to help flow as suggested by Neelam in her
critique. The second stanza though, even I struggled with formulating. I liked
the last three lines much as Neelam did, but the start was a bit rocky. Melissa
and Neelam both suggested ‘caress’ be changed to ‘caresses’. After
reading it through this way, I agree. But where I could give up on ‘upon’, I
had to leave ‘on’ in order to point the line to the next line. Neelam said
‘upon’ couldn’t be “read… with the beat”. I liked her suggestions.
Nearly everything she suggested I took into consideration.
I especially put a great deal of
thought into her suggestions in changes toward the end. It seemed as though she
knew my meaning better than I did. In the third stanza I say “no necessity”,
but it really isn’t the right thought. Neelam points this out, just as she
points out that “sensory projection” isn’t the right phrase to use in the
sixth stanza. In studying these I also found a few redundancies in the use of
“lack” and “draw” which I attended to. I don’t like to repeat my word
usage within a poem. Especially when it is in a poem as compact as this one.
One thing I missed completely on my own was something Neelam also pointed out to me about the last line. “This phrase sounds a bit cliché perhaps because the rest of your work is so fresh, so unique, so new—It just makes me want just such a fresh ending”. This led me to using the line “Have imprinted on my heart” because it repeats the idea from the first stanza bringing the poem full circle. I am truly happier with the end result now that I have listen to my critique readers and revised my work. I think it brings my intent out in a clearer method giving it a stronger intended appeal.
I hope that my
intentions came across in one way or another and that the final draft is better
than the first. I thank both of my readers, and want to point out that Melissa
saw my intent with my title well. “The title is perfect and puts the reader in
the right frame of mind for reading the poem”. I hope though, that other
readers will see my intent just as clearly, even though I left it open purposely
for interpretation.
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